Andrew Tolve tries to propose to his girlfriend. He fails spectacularly.
Looking back it seems almost comical, like we were unwitting actors in a Hollywood spoof. Cue the flock of sheep breaking free of their fence by the creek, then the kids on the 4×4 with the pellet guns, then the amnesia and speech loss.
In the moment, though, as I bent down on one knee to propose to the love of my life, it seemed like anything but slapstick comedy. In fact, it was devastating. I felt nauseous. And I was embarrassed—for myself, and for Ali, my girlfriend of more than five years.
The ring in my hand was a blue sapphire haloed in diamonds that I’d been trying to give her for weeks. First, I arranged a picnic in a local park only to decide at the critical moment the setting was too casual.
The next weekend I reserved a table at the nicest restaurant in Atlanta but again failed to pull the ring from my pocket, this time because the moment felt overly manufactured.
I began to look into exotic alternatives (a get-away to the Caribbean, a vacation to Napa) as Ali grew increasingly suspicious. Who could blame her? I was throwing away bank statements and changing passwords on Mint.com. I wouldn’t let her touch my laundry (the ring was hidden in the back of my dresser) or use my phone (it contained texts from her girlfriends who had helped design the ring).
With panic setting in, I booked a trip to north Georgia’s wine country, which only heightened her suspicions. I never planned our trips or picked out our restaurants, so why was I suddenly so eager to get involved?
She knew. I knew she knew. She knew I knew she knew.
We went anyway, both trying to act like it was spontaneous and exciting when really it felt like we were back on our first date, awkwardly avoiding our main purpose.
The first winery we visited was celebrating a Malbec release with a live bluegrass band, sausages on the grill, and lots of Malbec—great for a party, bad for a proposal. We tried to have fun, but I was distant and Ali was anxious.
The second vineyard was more intimate. Dogwoods and wild flowers painted the hills, and a lovely creek split the valley floor. Unfortunately, our “private” tour included eight middle-aged winos who, though harmless, weren’t the ideal backdrop for a proposal.
After the tour I led Ali over to the barn hoping for some privacy. As I took her hand, a few hungry sheep broke free of their pen. One lamb got stuck in the electric fence. “You have to get someone,” Ali said. “Hurry!”
I ran over to the barn and told a young farmer working on his truck about the situation. “I’ll be right over,” he said.
Back in the car, my head was spinning. Our next destination was a local creamery, and after that the inn for dinner, and after that bed, and if I didn’t propose then, when was I going to do it?
“Where are you going?” Ali asked me.
“Just to this bridge,” I said.
“Why?”
“Will you just follow me?”
She had a sick look on her face. I parked and led her down to the creek’s edge. “Ali, you know that I love you,” I said. “I really… ”
The rumble of a diesel engine interrupted. The vintner’s twin boys, who we’d learned had a fondness for 4x4s and pellet guns, were headed straight for us. “Oh dear god,” Ali groaned.
The boys cruised by, carrying on wildly. Once they were gone I tried again. “I really love you,” I mumbled. My eloquence had been reduced to that: I really love you. Her face was blanched. Mine was quivering as I began to fumble in my pocket and get down on one knee.
Again the twins came barreling through the field. This time they stopped on the bridge overhead and asked suspiciously, “Whatchya doin’?”
Ali said something but I heard nothing. I knew it was over. “Let’s get back in the car,” I said once they were gone.
“What were you going to ask me?” she said.
“Nothing.”
“Andrew, what?”
“Nothing!”
“Fine!”
We drove back to the inn as if we were on our way to a funeral. She knew what had happened, and I knew what had happened, and we were both devastated that what was supposed to feel so right and exciting had instead felt so weird and wrong. Can a good marriage begin with a bad proposal? And could she ever accept the ring after this? Maybe it was a sign we shouldn’t get married at all?
That state of mind would thankfully pass. In the days that followed, I was reminded of how strong our love is. Ali and I had been dating for more than five years and had lived on three continents. We’d shared homes, parasites, bank accounts, aspirations, and setbacks. If we could survive all of that, we could certainly survive a hapless marriage proposal by a creek.
I also realized that I hadn’t really thought about why I was proposing in the first place. We had been so committed for so long, it was unclear what it meant to change our relationship status. Was engagement merely something we were supposed to do? If so, for whom? And why? Those are questions I’m still grappling with and that I intend to explore in this column.
What does it mean for a man to propose? How does it challenge him to be a better person, a better man? And, ultimately, how does he get it right, both the responsibilities behind the proposal and the act of doing it? I’m eager to hear your stories (the good, the bad, the indescribably ugly), as well as to share some of mine.
Fortunately, my second stab at it went better than my first. The Monday after we returned from the mountains, I filled our apartment with Tulips and candles and prepared champagne on ice, a filet mignon dinner in the works, and a five-page letter on the doorstep.
Inside I explained how, in searching for the perfect proposal, I had realized that no one moment could encapsulate all my feelings for Ali. Thus I planned to propose every day over the course of the coming year, to remind her why I loved her and wanted her to be my wife.
That, too, will be a part of this column, chronicling my 365 proposals and the lessons learned from them. For now, suffice it to say she accepted my first.
—Andrew Tolve
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Andrew, this post makes me appreciate so much the spontaneous engagement between me and my fiance. I can totally understand the pressure you felt. Guys should know, going with your gut and romantic intuition will get the job done just the same. A quick story of my engagement: We were on a trip to Paris. He hadn’t planned to propose at all (both of us thought it would be several more months as we were still living in different countries and planning on moving in together in the coming months). But we were having the most perfectly romantic day. We… Read more »
Andrew welcome back from New Mexico. I hope that you had some luck with your ‘flies’ and that you were able to catch some fish. You were ‘fly fishing’, correct? I know that Ali and Lula missed you a whole bunch. So, I hope that you brought home some treats and that you rubbed Ali’s feet and Lula behind the ears. After 8 days away, I guess, you’ll need to propose all over again… Best of Luck with that….We all love you up here in the Vinelands’ of New Jersey… Bill
Great story and nicely told. Love isn’t perfect, so proposals shouldn’t have to be either. Looking forward to the next one.
Excellent column! Thanks for the perspective on how hard it really it to propose! I also planned for a restaurant proposal during a trip to Kittery, Maine. I was forced to follow my partner into a jewelry shop where I immediately started pointing to the ugliest rings I could find and proclaiming how beautiful I thought they were. This did not endear me to intended, but I was sick already with the ring in the back seat of the car outside. Brought it later into the restaurant at dinner and decided, as you did, that it was too rote (“overly… Read more »
Thanks everyone for the nice comments. It’s exciting to have positive feedback coming in. Fred, I love this proposal story because it seems so indicative of what every guy experiences—a master plan that goes awry (by varying degrees) for one reason or another. It’s so damn nerve-wracking! If you’re out there reading this and feel our pain, I’d love to hear your story too. I’m hoping to cobble together a bunch of these into future posts. Thanks!!
Andrew — Brilliant idea on the column, and I love your storytelling style. Can’t wait to read your 365 proposals!
AT – great stuff. I liked finally hearing your side of this story… My proposal to Emily was as fraught with despair and worry as was most men’s. We were on a basically undeveloped island in the Bahamas (save the restaurant we were at) on New Year’s Eve. I had grand plans to make the big ask, but the large Caribbean bartender has other plans that involved tequila. I eventually had to physically remove her from the situation before either of us woke up the next morning wondering why she was wearing an engagement ring. Other than the “can you… Read more »
Andrew…
I have been following you today via googling. Love your work, sweet thang. Hugs and hello’s to Ali.
Congratulations on your engagement.
P.
Andrew, I am very impressed but not at all suprised at your gift of writing. This is the first article of yours I have read and look forward to reading many more. It made me laugh and cry and laugh and cry. It was beautiful. You are a truly gifted artist and you and Ali are two of the most loving and giving people I have ever known! Your love for each other is so evident as is your love of life and people. If Ali ever wants to know why she always gets upgraded to first class, it’s because… Read more »
andrew, so funny and great! i’m so truly happy for you guys, and plan on following your column… tell ali to keep posting them on her FB page. if i ever pop through atlanta, i’ll be sure to holla. cheers, marissa (ali’s american friend from SP).
There is no perfect way to propose. Too much pressure. There is a lot to be said for just asking when you’re ready to hear the word “yes”.