Erik Proulx’s father died of a heroin overdose. Twenty-five years later, Erik wonders if his own addiction to technology might just be a slower kind of death.
When my father wasn’t escaping to the land of injected bliss, he liked to jump in his beater car for unplanned trips to Florida—to put those miles between him and whatever the fuck he was running away from.
My grandfather’s escape was more sedentary. He would sit on his recliner for weeks on end, watching endless hours of daytime television through a magnifying glass. Next to him was a mini-fridge full of Budweiser cans that my grandmother dutifully kept stocked and loaded.
My father’s death by heroin when I was 12 was all I needed to avoid trying pot until I was 37.
And somehow, I managed to skirt the booze habit that covered my grandfather’s nose in gin blossoms.
But I’m an addict. Just like them. I may not be destroying my liver the way my ancestors destroyed theirs, but it’s still an addiction.
My junk of choice? Twitter. Facebook. Text messages. Email. Any electronic stimulation that gets my mind off the current state of chaos in my life. Like my father before me and his father before him, my addiction is rooted in escapism. I make a bee-line for altered consciousness the second I feel tension mounting.
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Like any parent, I have kids that don’t eat or sit or play without yelling every single fucking word. There are mounting bills and debt I can’t seem to wrangle. Spousal conflict stemming from all of the above.
And try taking a shit in peace. It can’t be done. I don’t know why our bathroom even has a door.
When the going gets tough, I get on my iPhone. Nothing provides a dose of temporary euphoria like the long drag of Twitter. It’s exactly like the new Windows phone commercial, where all this life is happening and no one is paying attention. For us addicts who can’t seem to peel our eyes away from our palms, it hits home. (Though I’m not sure another phone is the answer. It’s like an alcoholic saying he’ll just drink beer from now on.)
Not to mention, my habit can cause eerily similar feelings of abandonment to those around me. “Where’s Daddy?” is something I said a lot as a 4-year-old. And it’s something my own 4-year-old says too often now.
I’m actually going through something called “mindfulness training,” which basically means I’m paying someone to teach me to be where I am and do what I’m doing. Little things, like leaving my phone in my bag instead of my pocket. And looking at people and trees instead of texts and tweets.
No, I’m not injecting a needle into my eye. Nor am I drowning myself under the weight of aluminum beer cans. But who’s to say that my addiction can’t be just as harmful? Like many techno-addicts, I’ve combined texting and driving more times than I care to admit.
Now that it’s against the law in Massachusetts, maybe I’ll be scared straight before fatally overdosing on escapism.
Just like the two generations of Proulx before me.
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This is a great blogpost… I really appreciate this.. Thanks so much!
Great article! I am also a technoaddict, in addition to being an alcoholic. Although I haven’t had a drink in nearly 5 years, I refuse to prepend ‘recovering’ to the label: either you drink, or you don’t. I agree with Leatha about taking responsibility, and holding yourself accountable, for your own actions. Right on!
Hi, Erik, What you said sure resonated with me. Some professionals would call what you described: adult ADD, and it takes one to know one! Sure “computerism” is a great escape from harsh day-to-day realities, especially those involving relationships with kids or spouses no matter how much we love them and they love us (“missing you, Dad”). But if you’re like me you hyper-focus on pretty much anything you set your mind on, which is both a great strength and weakness. On one hand it helps keep you going on vital projects that require your utmost creativity. On the other… Read more »
Ed,
You’re observation is spot on. I was diagnosed 3 years ago. I’m a card-carrying, Ritalin-taking, Hallowell disciple.
Another great essay, Erik.
I can’t tell you how disappointing it is to be out enjoying a dinner with friends, and have them take a call in the middle of it. YOU’RE WITH A FRIEND! ENJOYING FOOD! What could be better than that?
And if a date does that? Forget it.
Here’s hoping you miss my next status update 🙂
Natalie
I wish I could say I’ve never done that. But I’m doing it less now.
*applause* When I go out into the world, I see people’s entire focus on their phone. They don’t pay attention driving, or to the person next to them or even to the glorious yellow leaves we’ve been blessed with in Denver this year. They miss this moment… and the next… and the one after that… in order to read what someone said on the Internet, to watch a movie they’ve seen 5 billion times or to… My goal in this life is to work to become more present, not less. Give it up Erik. Get your life back. You deserve… Read more »
Thank you, Claudia. I’m learning.
I love this..and totally agree. The first step with any addiction is admittance.
This world seems to run on denial of our own responsibility and accountability, Good for you!
Excellent article, Erik. (Of course, I found it while popping a Facebook.) I have found myself thinking the exact same thing quite often recently.
Great read Erik, and a really eye-opening thought about technology and the role it plays in our lives. Well said.
Thanks, Keith. Technology is a business (and often personal) blessing. The curse is when it interrupts the joy of face time. I’m trying to learn balance without quitting cold turkey.