Chris Brown and The Sounds of Young Men in Free Fall


Jeff Perera takes a look at the troubled singer and wonders how we can keep young men on the right path.

I was raised in the Jane & Finch area, a storied neighborhood in the city of Toronto infamous for violence and poverty, but also home to some amazing people. I grew up alongside people of African, Caribbean, Latin, Asian and South Asian descent. For the most part, I grew up not considering myself the type of male which women in the neighborhood found…attractive.

If his status ain’t hood/I ain’t checkin’ for him/Betta be street if he looking at me/I need a soldier/That ain’t scared to stand up for me/Gotta know to get dough/And he betta be street
– Destiny’s Child ‘Soldier’

I was never the tough, dangerous or rebellious type, rather the funny, nice, nerdy guy that could cry at movies, carry a conversation. I liked Tori Amos, Depeche Mode, Madonna and rock music as well as hip hop.  I ended up having romantic or sexual relations mostly with white women, as they seemed to be more attracted to me. Power and privilege in society allowed the ‘Masculinity Guidelines’ for white men some room for experimentation around their performance of gender. Examples of this range from David Bowie to 80’ metal bands doused in permed hair, tight leather and lipstick to numerous ‘sensitive’ leading male actors. Prince was the only black man we saw on TV truly bending strict gender rules, and he was the punching bag in every joke in the neighborhood. He was a ‘fag’ despite his public image as being extremely sexually active with women.
I recently realized there was another young heterosexual male of colour who struggled with not embracing the rude, aggressive bad boy as their persona, image and identity.

The young man seen in this video is a 17 year old boy, a young man on the edge.

The man Tupac became was a man of violence. He didn’t just rap about guns and gangs; he lived that life on and off record. He disrespected women on wax and was charged with sexual assault in real life.  This video highlights the true tragedy around his death…having lived a life which led directly to a very early death.

I will submit to you that the footage that you just watched…was shot just before Tupac’s death. Yes, this footage is in fact from when he was 17 and he was killed at 25. I say to you, however, that you just saw images of a young man moments before his death.

Say you are standing on the edge of a cliff.

                                   Below is the bottom which is beyond sight.
                                                         Say you are pushed, or fall off this cliff, free falling to your death.

One could say you didn’t actually die until you travelled the seemingly eternal trip down and hit the ground. One could also say you died the moment you stepped or fell off the edge, and that your free-fall decent was just a ‘slow-motion’ sight to an onlooker of a person dying… their eyes already mourning you as they follow your body along the long journey down.

Shortly after this video was the moment where this young man stepped back and reflected on how things were unfolding for him as ‘the Nice Guy’. Some people watched this video and commented on how he appears so ‘gay’. This is rooted in a devaluation of women that denies men permission to express their so-called ‘feminine’ side, which is a part of their true self, their humanity.
The Tupac in this video was not permitted to stay surfaced, by a system, by a society, by himself.
How many young men are standing at the edge, about to fall over?  This is an issue when it comes to boys all across the globe, regardless of race, but becomes an intensified for racialized men who lack privilege and power in society. How many young boys are afraid to be ‘stranded too many times in the ‘friend-zone’, get caught up in the struggle facing young men and become tired of just being ‘somebody’ and wanting to ‘Be Somebody’?

This side of Tupac was buried long before the rest of his mortal shell at 25 years of age.

This side of many men is forever stuffed into a box and stored in the basement of their heart. We all must consider how we can impact a shift to save this side of a man’s humanity and self from an internal extinction. I feel an overwhelming sense of urgency, at every moment, to stop cycles of abuse, to help catch men and boys lost in free fall. Many boys and men worldwide are in a downward decent of pain and suffering that is inflicted upon not only themselves, but anyone they love, anyone who loves them, or anyone in their way.


I think of another famous young man currently spiraling in a cycle of violence, a young man who has become the very same storm that once rained upon him as a child. He reached a higher level of fame when he attacked and almost killed a famous woman, an act which thrust him into the world’s spotlight


I also think back to a young man I came across in 2009 shortly after this incident happened.

“Especially for young people, we are bombarded with this one sided, monolithic image of what it means to be black and male…images of black men are not reaffirming and not positive. There are institutions who are committed and invested in perpetuating that negative image. This is especially true for a young man who may not have access to a variety of expressions of black masculinity.” – Shantrelle P. Lewis


In 2009, I was invited to attend a session by a group who use art as an engagement tool for creating discussion spaces among young women of colour. It was a circle of 20 or so West Indian and African young ladies gathering when I quietly joined them in the old rec room of an apartment building in the Jane & Finch area.  My arrival into the space took the young security guard half sitting/half hiding in an opposing room off his guard. The split-second ‘what are you doing here’ double-take on his face mirrored the same expression on my face. We then exchanged awkward nods, acknowledging one another as special guests in a special space.

The circle begins as the young women went around the room sharing their responses to the classic ice breaker: ‘What do you like or not like about being a woman?’ When they came to me, I shared my usual response to this question: “As a man, I like that I can pee standing up. What I don’t like is that, we as men, can’t gather and talk like this unless if it’s about sports or cars.”

We later broke from conversation to pick out items for making buttons; I pulled out 2 small photos of my partner’s daughters to make into buttons as a gift for her. When I explained the photos in my wallet to a curious girl from the circle, she replied “Oh…I thought you were…gay.” Clearly some of these young women were not used to a heterosexual man actually wanting to sit and hear what women had to say.

When we return back to the circle, one of the facilitators sparks a new discussion by bringing up the recent news about Chris Brown assaulting his girlfriend, Rihanna. One by one, the girls start tossing around a cooled disgust towards Chris doused in a warmer curiosity over what Rihanna ‘must have done’ to cause the attack.  Cutting through the multiple voices, one of the young women becomes animated as she reveals that no one would believe what her girl was saying about this very topic earlier. She directed attention to the young lady sitting on the couch, hiding in a shadow of silence up until now, holding her infant son.

“SHE was BUGGIN the other day yo. You don’t even know. Goin’ on AND ON about how hot Chris is and how she’d be with him!!

The attempt to get her friend’s buried opinion to surface instead ignites the room in a fire fueled by disapproval. Shouts of “WHAT?!!?” and declarations like “Girl, you are CRAZY!!” circled and rained down upon her.  Now defending herself, the young mom casually dismissed the criticism, simply stating that she found ‘the New Chris’ sexier versus the recently departed, innocent public image Chris held. “What if your baby son saw a man treat you like that, would you want him seeing that??” one girl questions with aggression. Likely having found interest in the conversation, our previously-hidden security guard surfaced, walked up to the circle and joined in.

“What she’s trying to say is…before Chris seemed SOFT and now…you know…he’s all…”

The young man vibrates with raw energy as he spreads his arms wide, puffs out his chest, and displays a menacing figure competing with the widening smile on his face.

“he’s…you know?? ”

Chest swollen. Arms spread out. Back straight. Shoulders square.

“NOW he’s…”

“…a man” I finish under my breath.

Moments later, holding her baby to one side like a football player bracing for impact, the girl jumps up off the couch to finish the swirling attack on her moral system.

YO, I don’t give A FUCK WHAT you all think, I think Chris Brown is HOTTER AFTER WHAT he DID!”

The conversation ends

and I am spinning. 

“The ignominy of boyhood; the distress. Of boyhood changing into man; the unfinished man and his pain” – William Butler Yeats ‘A Dialogue of Self and Soul’


In 1989, Christopher Brown was born to Joyce Hawkins, a former day care centre director and Clinton Brown, a corrections officer. Growing up in Virginia, Chris taught himself to sing and dance like Michael Jackson, soon appearing on stage at church and talent shows.  His parents had divorced, after which a seemingly nice, charming man named Donnelle Hawkins entered the stage. From seven to thirteen years of age Chris soon found himself living in a state of terror from which he wished to gracefully float away riding his hero’s Moonwalk.

Dance around the pain, dance around the sorrow

Donnelle physically abused Joyce, Chris remembers living in fear, hiding in his room and once even seeing his mother’s nose bloodied after an argument about another woman. At one point Donnelle became blind after shooting himself in the head during an argument with Joyce.

Chris wanted to discover power and handle violence in the way many young men are taught to: with more violence. He had vowed that by the time he was 15, he would kill Donnelle.

In an early interview on the Tyra Banks show, Chris spoke candidly about the past and living in a state of fear. “I treat women differently; I’d never want to put a woman through the same things that THAT person put my mom through…”

“I got older, I realized how to overcome stuff and become… like showing off on stage…but I was scared and timid when I was young”

Person gives way to Personna.

powerless medicated with Power.

Women in the audience beamed and cheered over this charming young rising entertainer, able to share his personal torment of being in a state of fear, living in a home of abuse, experiences which many of his female fans could relate to. To this day, Donnelle denies ever hurting Chris’ mom, saying once he ‘accidentally slipped’ and head butt Joyce during an argument as well as claiming to have ‘accidentally’ shot himself .

Dance around the truth, dance around accountability

When Tyra asks if he tried talking to his mom, Chris replies “You know…when a women is in love…”


This heightened experience of being powerless in a childhood shadowed in abuse, multiplies the average desires of any young person to establish an identity and be someone. Respected, feared, someone in control, someone with power. At the turning point of going from a boy to becoming a young man, he became Somebody when on stage, and soon discovered the power of the public stage at an early age.

By 13 years of age, his living in a state of fear ended, he was discovered and 3 years later, the world discovered him.

At the age of 16, he had a huge hit single with ‘Run It’ and people started falling in love with this new babyface R & B artist with the smooth moves.  In the song, Chris sings Girl I can set you off/Don’t believe my age is gonna slow us down/I can definitely show you things/To have you saying I can’t be 16/Once I get in you won’t wanna go”.  The song also features rapper Juelz Santana who makes reference to the infamous Ying Yang Twins song ‘Wait ( The Whisper Song)’ and its classic lines Wait you see my dick/Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick/Imma beat dat pussy up /Like BAM BAM BAM BAM/Beat da pussy up, Beat da pussy up, Beat da pussy up”.

Chris gracefully danced that silent line between being an innocent, nice teen heartthrob and the pressure to fit into the strong, ‘masculine’ & macho black male R & B artist, all while growing up under an equally growing spotlight.  As the fame & power grew, Chris still needed to ensure and asserted his manliness lest anyone question his manhood, being a pretty young black male dancing and smiling and all. Chris explained, for example, how his dancing is masculine and not ‘voguing’ (aka not ‘gay’).

In fact, Chris has gotten into numerous quarrels & taken to proving his heterosexuality and manliness numerous times in public and via social media by mocking & questioning others sexuality, implying he is more manly. Situations where he is tested or needs to show maturity, he gets angry and reacts by giving into anger, calling others ‘bitch’, ‘gay’ or ‘faggots’.

This has happened numerous times …

like this incident 

and this incident 

and this incident 

and this incident

and he has apologized

like this apology 

and this apology 

and this apology.

Homophobia is violence against women.

Understand that when someone is targeted for this particular kind of physical or verbal violence, they are being attacked for not conforming to traditional ideas of gender roles (i.e. as a male you express emotions and are called a ‘faggot’ or as a female you don’t act or dress a certain way, and are called a ‘lesbian’). Homophobia is rooted in the de-valuation of women, the message sent and enforced is ‘this is not how a man acts’ or ‘know your lesser role and act like a woman’. The way we teach men to build-your-own-power-and-identity, is at the cost of women’s value and worth. The double-edged sword also ends up denying men their own humanity as a result.

When you de-value something, you don’t value it. When you don’t value something, you can discard it, disrespect it, and destroy it.

By now, most folks know what happened that night just before the 2009 Grammy’s, on the night before the biggest day in the music industry, between Chris Brown and his girlfriend Rihanna … or do you know?

Some people have a ‘de-sensitized’ association when they hear that a woman has been beaten. The mind may connect to an image of a woman being backhanded across the face as seen on dramatic television shows. The result is some will trivialize or downplay an incident and display of violence.

While Chris has repeatedly refused to talk publicly about what happened that night specifically, folks can read the actual police report online to really understand what we are talking about here. (*trigger warning* The report is naturally very graphic in detail, giving a full account of the incident)

 Click to read the report

At the time when the story came to light, some pointed to this day as the moment Chris Brown’s career could possibly come to an end. It is not an exaggeration to say that Rihanna’s Life could have ended that night.

In this interview with Larry King on CNN, with his mom and lawyer by his side, Chris discussed how he felt he could do more than just whatever the justice system decided in order to atone and change. “I feel like , with what I’m capable of as far as influencing people, influencing kids, the youth, I can do a lot more to help out the community…I know I can do a lot more which I intend to do…” Chris during this interview, and since, has refused to discuss the incident.

Dance around the truth, dance around accountability

On August 25, 2009 Chris Brown was sentenced to five years of probation, one year of domestic violence counseling, and six months of community service; he delivered a public apology and performed community service required of him.

Imagine someone at a company was found to have viciously assaulted a beloved co-worker he was seeing. Imagine how long it would take before other co-workers would forgive and feel safe with him returning to the space on any level, never mind returning to his old job. Imagine him then returning to quickly to his old job, then receiving a large raise and promoted to a larger position.

He released an album late 2009 called ‘Graffiti’ as he started the journey to salvage his career. Critics panned it citing “plodding melodies draw attention to Brown’s unpleasantly macho style and unapologetic sentiments”. Chris started to use Twitter as a vehicle to help rehabilitate his image, communicating with fans and obsessively speaking about positivity’ and staying ‘positive’. It was a feverish message he constantly shared, it seems more for himself than anyone else. ‘Positivity’ seemed to mean forget, rather than deal with and move forward. Pushing it, reinforcing it…all the while dancing around addressing real truths, real change.


More important than rehabilitating his public image or sending the right messages to the justice system, was the need for him truly make changes for himself and the people in his real, private life. He had to face old demons, show accountability…address his anger.

“Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds” – Bob Marley, Redemption Song


In 2011, Chris released his 4th album, F.A.M.E The title was an acronym meaning ‘Forgiving All My Enemies’.

The album had numerous hit singles like ‘Look at Me Now” which has been viewed 150 million times on YouTube with lyrics like “I’m killing every nigga that come try to be on my shit/Better cuff your chick if you with her, I can get her/And she accidentally slip and fall on my dick/Oops I said on my dick/I ain’t really mean to say on my dick/But since we talking about my dick/All of you haters say hi to it”

Look At Me Now.

Chris ascended into the most intense spotlight of his life, one which left no shadows to hide under. During promotion for the highly anticipated new album, Chris made a promo stop on ABC’s Good Morning America to speak briefly with Robin Roberts and then perform some songs. The interview was to solely be about the new album, as Chris and his team requested for everyone to pretend what happened two years ago was no longer a topic to discuss. Positivity.

Dance around the truth, dance around accountability

We are equipped with an ‘Emotion Toolbox’ to handle life’s twists and turns. This toolbox, for many men, has only one emotion-tool which our upbringing & society has equipped them in order to handle problems: anger and aggression. When faced on live television with ‘surprise’ questions regarding the violence he acted out upon Rihanna, he reached into that toolbox and used the only tool he had to deal with the situation.  After the interview and performance, during the commercial break he was heard screaming in his dressing room, smashed a window overlooking NYC’s Times Square with a chair, raining glass down onto the street, got in a producer’s face and left the studio without a shirt on…

Look At Me Now.

Craig-James Baxter is the founder & owner of Understanding Body Language. Liars, Cheats and Happy Feet. He is an expert in reading someone’s expressions, movements and gestures so you really know how their feeling. Below is his analysis of Chris Brown’s Body language and gestures during the GMA interview moments before he explodes in anger off the air.

After the appearance, Chris goes to Twitter to declare “I’m so over people bringing up this past shit up!!!” Chris continues to this day to go to Twitter to battle with others and express himself without filter (he is constantly deleting comments, and once ended up deleting his entire history of tweets save for 10 at one point).

3 years after missing the Grammys for threatening to kill one of the most famous women in the pop-culture world and sending her to hospital the night before they were to perform, he returned to that stage. Criticism was loud and strong on Twitter regarding his appearance and toward the Grammy Awards themselves for having him perform twice as well as receive an award. After hearing Grammy Awards executive producer Ken Ehrlich go on record as explaining that it has “taken us a while to kind of get over the fact that we were the victim of what happened”, one can see the set of priorities for the music industry.

Chris Brown himself addressed criticism with the same technique and tact he has always shown when facing moments calling for character, strong behaviour and discipline…he took to Twitter and, like in his song Look At Me Now, had a message for all the haters…


However that night it wasn’t Chris Brown’s tweets that caught the world’s attention so much as the tweets of 25 women. Women took to Twitter to declare their affection of Chris Brown by stating that he could “beat me up any day” or “anytime”. Society was faced with the same ‘wake up call’ moment I had back in 2009 in that rec room. Comments exploded across international airwaves, print and social media of outrage and disgust over the numerous statements. People did not understand how these women could want such a thing.

So I decided to ask them.

I took to Twitter to try and speak with one of the 25 women. Many of them have since deleted their accounts, no doubt due to the attention and reaction to their comments. I got one of them to respond.  She was a young woman from the UK and referred to the dark British sense of humour when she made the tweet ‘in a tongue in cheek way’ referring to a desire to have rough sex with someone she found purely attractive physically (she is neither a fan nor a follower of his career).

I showed her the Tupac clip from when he was 17 and not afraid to appear vulnerable. What was her reaction? “My first reaction was “wow” and I can honestly say I fell in love a little” she said. “Would I date that guy? Hell yes.” She then went onto speak about a variety of factors, sharing “I think there is pressure on a guy to be an alpha male…where I’m from I know there is pressure for a guy not to be under the thumb. They must look in control of their relationships”

What is most concerning is her telling me “Since the tweet went viral I’ve received hundreds of messages of abuse from all my networking sites…most have threatened me with violence and rape.”


We live in a worldwide culture were violence seems to be the antidote to violence. How many times have any of us heard a man express violence as a choice for how they’d deal with a man who was violent towards women? Macho behaviour as a response to Macho behaviour.

Instead we need young men like the MC’s from Austin rap group ‘Public Offenders’ to speak out, offering advice and insight around issues of manhood, responsibility and violence against women.


Their 2nd album came out in 2009, but you likely won’t be seeing them perform on the Grammys, meanwhile Chris Brown’s anger issues and career skyrockets.

Chris Brown  is adamant on being a role model. And because of his position, he is whether he likes it or not, young men are watching…and learning.

As I finished writing this piece, another news item came out about re: Chris Brown losing control of his anger. This time he flips out when a woman takes a picture of him late one night, grabbing the phone through the car window, declaring: “Bitch, you ain’t going to put that on no website.” and then driving off with it.

For this young man, the free fall decent continues live for the world to see…as it does for countless young men outside of the spotlight worldwide…what are we doing to stop the cycle of violence?

What are you doing?

A surprising moment recently had someone from the Hip Hop/R & B universe step up and show accountability after a big mistake. It shows that catching someone in freefall, the wake-up moment, can happen at any point. It’s never too late to start a change and consider making a positive impact.

Too Short is a Bay area rap icon, the 45 yr old has portrayed himself as a pimp and told countless ‘pimp stories’ for decades. He recently appeared in a video on the popular XXL hip-hop magazine’s website giving what he called ‘fatherly advice’ to boys on winning girls over.

“I’m gonna tell you a couple tricks. This is what you do, man. A lot of the boys are going to be running around trying to get kisses from the girls, we’re going way past that. I’m taking you to the hole.

There’s a general area down there, a little spot that girls have that feels really good to them. Don’t kiss them down there yet, that’s later in life. But this is what you do. You push her up against the wall or pull her up against you while you lean on the wall and you take your finger and put a little spit on it and you stick your finger in her underwear and you rub it on there and watch what happens. It’s like magic. You gotta find her spot, they all have a different one, but it’s somewhere in there. Just go for it.”

This caused a huge uproar for which Too Short, like Chris Brown, issued a general apology. The response to the apology was disgust, with folks asking for more accountability, lead by Ebony magazine.

Then something happened… Too Short listened…and reflected.

Too Short later sat down with Ebony writer dream hampton and opened up:

“You have to be accountable for what you do…I don’t expect you to waste your time and energy trying to hear me out. I just want to get involved in something that does not (simply) say “Hey, forgive me!” I understand that I made a big mistake…I’m not going to lie to you…my eyes are opening just from reading the comments, the stuff that is coming from people. They say stuff like, “Does he get it?” I’m reading it and I am starting to get it…society is ok with the images of aggressive male and female sexuality. I’m just reading this and I’m reading that, and I’m like I am so much a part of that whole “man” thing.”

From actions to reactions, recognizing responsibility and then taking actions to address those actions is showing true remorse. Not just a reading an apology, reading reactions of those impacted and reflecting on what he did.

Society focuses on what is going through a woman’s mind when she is in an abusive relationship, or wonders what she did to provoke a violence response…we need to shift the attention to how we are raising young men, the messages we are sending them and reinforcing impossible ideals of manhood. We need redefine gender roles & ideas of manhood which devalue the feminine and lead to violence against women, violence between men, and the culture of violence that affects us all.

When redefine masculinity, redefine worldwide, teach society to value the feminine, create the Freedom To Be Who We Are…the rest will sort itself out.

Each one Teach One.

It starts with men talking to other men. Groups like us at the White Ribbon Campaignhelping men to recognize and accept the role we all have in shaping the lives of other young men and boys. We are working to help give men the tools to be a better role model to the kids, neighbors, students and loved ones in your life. It Starts With You, It Stays With Him.

It starts with men like Brandon Hay of the Black Daddies Club in Toronto, Canada helping young black men embrace being a father and a role model.

It starts with men like Carlos Andrés Gómez, a spoken word artist touring the world to share a message to young men of any race and every culture: let’s truly ‘Man Up’ and give ourselves permission to be the best version of ourselves.

Many of our sisters will tell you, whether its heterosexual women dealing with the challenges of dating men, or our LGBT2S sisters who strive for relationships with fathers, brothers and other loved ones and friends, that you alone cannot change a man.

An individual themselves must first be ready for change, real change.

A woman in an abusive relationship must be supported to find the courage to leave and find safety, and not cling to hope he will change.  Our society must stop focusing on the reactive and become proactiveI don’t believe it is ever too late for a man to want to change his life, at any age and any stage.

Shouldn’t we start helping males at an early age, yes, that doesn’t mean we as men can’t impact and reach out to those already in free fall. It Starts With You, It Stays With Him.


Originally appeared at Higher Unlearning.

—Photo  joeltelling/Flickr


About Jeff Perera

Jeff is a facilitator for the White Ribbon Campaign, the world’s largest effort to engage men in ending violence against women, and founded a chapter at Ryerson University in Toronto, Canada to further a gender-inclusive environment. Jeff is also co-director and curator of the annual discussion-focused ‘What Makes a Man’ White Ribbon Conference having organized, facilitated and spoken at numerous events from Toronto to Taiwan. In 2010 he delivered the TEDx talk ‘Words Speak Louder Than Actions’ discussing gender roles, the power of words and the impact we all can make.


  1. Interesting article. I also suspect there’s a biological factor. The male of almost every species is the “protector” or defender of the female. This is why male physical strength (e.g. big muscles), power and aggression are sexually attractive traits to women. It’s hardwired into their DNA and has been for millions of years. Add a society that rewards rebelliousness, violence and people with the ability to get what they want by whatever means necessary, ESPECIALLY in historically oppressed communities, and it’s no wonder that men like Chris Brown get girls no matter how many they beat. It’s tragic. The system runs deep. There’s no easy answers.

    As for Tupac….

    That man was the world’s biggest narcissist. Tupac was an egomaniacal, vain chameleon who would do or say anything to increase his fame and keep himself at the center of attention. He was a complex individual who was an incredible artist. He may have been the best rapper ever. But, the more you know about Tupac, the more you realize that basically, homeboy was FULL OF SHIT.

  2. This has less to do with women being attracted to jerks and more to do with the collective low self-esteem of women, and feeling that is all we deserve. I have been objectified, devalued, and cat-called since I was 12. Statistics show girls self esteem plummit in their adolescent years. It takes a lot of unlearning to finally feel deserving of the nice guy. Please direct your frustrations elsewhere and not at women, again.

    • Zé Mané says:

      The elephant in the room however, is that women not only tolerate, but reward, bad behavior. And as such, encourage it. Until you collectively exercise your free will and make it apparent that you will not tolerate sociopaths of Mr. Brown’s ilk, we will continue to produce them.

  3. Richard Aubrey says:

    Jasmine. What you like is not the point. The point is the lesson to be drawn from the fact that some women are turned on by Brown’s misbehavior. The point is the contradiction between that lesson and the other lessons out there.
    The point is the cocky, careless sometimes abusive butthead who seemed to get the girls’ attention starting in, maybe, junior high, and continuing right up until some guy’s present when he sees the same thing at age twenty or thirty.
    Not “all” women, but sufficient to make you wonder about the other things guys are supposed to be, which we are told by the best authorities.
    Personally, I can’t stand guys like Brown and women who do like that sort of thing–I’ve met a few–give me a bad feeling. Not the point, either.
    If what we’ve been told endlessly here and in a million other places is true, no woman, or only a couple of outliers who ought to be institutionalized, would have a good word to say for Brown and others like him.

  4. And that in order to be perceived as a worthy man, one must have looks, power, status or $. Lacking that, a man must become a sociopath in the mold of Chris Brown in order to not be perceived by women as gay or worse, as their kid brother.

    Do we live in a f****ed up world, or what?

  5. The lessons that men learn first hand from women is that nice, polite, and caring doesn’t turn them on. It is good for friends, but not for a boyfriend. No one wants a “nice guy.” They want a “man.”

    • Jasmine says:

      That’s rather a generalization. I happen to love polite, respectful men. Abusive men, men who mistreat women, misogynist men do not interest me in the slightest (other than perhaps to elicit my interest in bringing their attention to the inappropriateness of certain behaviours). And it isn’t just women who reinforce these ‘masculine’ behaviours. Gender is greatly policed by other males, as well.

      I think it’s really dangerous to perpetuate the notion that women don’t want ‘nice guys’ or that ‘nice guys finish last’, because it reinforces the idea that relationships with women require ‘not niceness”. If we continue to have discussions about the gender binary and the manners in which constructions of masculinity and femininity are restrictive or oppressive, if we continue to resist hegemonic masculinity perhaps we may obtain cultural acceptance of men who are nice, polite, and caring. But, rest assured, there are women out there who already appreciate such qualities.

    • Julie Gillis says:

      Except that that’s 100% true 100% of the time. This is what drives men batty. If I say I like my nice man, whom I’ve been with for 18 years now, who was nice, polite, funny, charming, cute, geeky and so forth, it’s either that I”m lying or I guess I’m just not alpha enough to snag a “man.” I’ve seen these “men” of which you (and others) speak and they don’t seem very appealing. They seem to cheat, treat people at best casually, and place an inordinate amount of emphasis on the physical rather than the whole picture.
      So..either there are outlier women who really enjoy the kind men we’ve found (sought!) or we are all lying/ugly?

      Unless there is something that the “nice guys” you reference are doing that is offputting in such a way that the women aren’t attracted? I’ve met many an otherwise attractive man in my day who was bitter and unpleasant to be around.

      Or maybe the nice men you speak of are looking for women that are similar to those alphas above and are only interested in money or looks (in a superficial way)? I’ve never lived in cities like LA or NY, and I’ve been in the arts/academic communities. I’ve really never seen people have a hard time finding mates. Maybe it’s the kind of cities/groups of people too?

      • Julie,

        I remember reading a great piece (I thought it was on here, but I can’t seem to find it now) where a woman argued that part of the great misunderstanding between the sexes dealt with how impressionable most people are during their formative years.

        The gist of her point was that women in their twenties are still living off the experiences of their teens. So when a woman in her twenties expects a man to be insensitive, thoughtless, and to cheat on her, this says more about her experience with her high school boyfriends/crushes than it does about the men in the dating pool she is actually facing. We make our decisions based on personal experiences, not objective survey data.

        To borrow that idea, you have to think about what is going on in the minds of men in their late teens and through their twenties. You get rejected. A lot. And many of the girls will think it’s funny you tried at all. Some will laugh openly. They will then all pine after the quarterback. They are not doing this because they are inherently terrible, they’re just young. And you went through this for years. It starts to moderate in college, but you don’t notice because the change is gradual and your opinion has already been built up over years of personal observations.

        By the time a man is 25, most women in his age bracket probably do behave exactly as you describe. But they’ve been behaving this way for perhaps 3-4 years, which were immediately preceded by 5-6 years of wanting to date guys because they played football, had received a car from their parents, or knew how to get beer.

        You want to do the right thing, but it’s become ingrained. You know you should given women the benefit of the doubt, but the memories really are fresh.

  6. Richard Aubrey says:

    Chris Brown is one thing. The reaction of some, perhaps many, women is more troubling. We can all say Brown’s a butthead, whatever excuses his upbringing provides. What can we say about the women? And what can we say about men who hear those women and wonder which of the lessons they’re supposed to learn are valid?

    • I thought the author did a good job discussing how the issues that plague both genders come together to foster and reward a culture of violence. I agree it is certainly worth critically talking about why women feel deserving of and tolerate that type of abuse from men (sexually, physically, or emotionally). However, you seemed to dismiss a large part of that equation. “Chris Brown is one thing. The reaction of some, perhaps many, women is more troubling”
      The fact that there are men who turn to violence first against woman or against other men, is just as troubling as the reaction of some woman. I wonder if the reason so little ground has been made on some of these issues is because we often isolate one problem from the other and treat it as a woman’s issue or a man’s issue, when they should be looked at together as well.


  1. […] In the meantime, join us as we continue the discussions at Higher Unlearning, a new online blogspace features discussions of men and masculinity! Some of Jeff Perera’s older pieces are up including his latest ‘Chris Brown and The Sounds Of Young Men in Free Fall’ (This article is also up in the Good Men Project magazine) […]

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