Some Halloween costumes are funny. Some are sexy. Some are neither. And some destroy the concepts of humor and sex appeal just by existing.
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It’s a holiday tradition: every year around this time, feminists and cultural critics write scathingly critical articles about how 80% of the pre-made costumes marketed to women are “Sexy [noun]” like some kind of Mad Libs of creepy objectification, consisting of a vague nod in the direction of their subject, accompanied by as much skin as possible. There is frequently a sidebar noting that scaled-down version of these banal stripper outfits are available in kids’ sizes, because that’s not creepy at all. And lord knows all that’s true, but as we like to point out around here, that’s only half the story.
Men’s costumes tend to be less skin-baring, meaning that if we buy a Batman outfit we will look roughly like Batman, not Batman if he got half his outfit stolen by mischievous elves. This is because there isn’t the same cultural pressure on men to be sexy. Indeed, there is usually the opposite assumption, that sexiness is women’s job and men have exactly one thing about them that’s sexually attractive. And here’s ten “sexy” Halloween costumes to tell us exactly what that thing is. Fair warning: everything from here on in is crassly sexualized in the worst possible taste, and may be NSFW.
10. Fireman With Big Hose
This is at the bottom of the list because at least firemen are sort of considered sexy in the world outside the godawful, nightmarish assumptions of commercial costume designers.
Hint to creepy costumers: this is not why firemen are considered sexy. You just made firemen less sexy by associating them with this costume. There’s some hard-working guy in a fire department now who’s not going to get laid because when he mentions his job, the lady he’s talking to will remember this costume and her libido will pull the covers over its head and cry itself to sleep. On behalf of that guy and firemen everywhere, thanks for nothing.
9. Drill Master
Look at this model. I can’t be mad at this guy. He looks at us and shrugs apologetically. “I know this isn’t a costume,” he seems to say. “I’m just wearing a strap-on foam power tool over the clothes I had on already. I can barely get through doors with this thing on. If I wore it at a party, I’d knock people’s drinks over every time I turned around.
“I came to L.A. because everyone said I was handsome and talented. And you know what, I still think they were right. Sometimes I watch that tape my mom made of my high school production of Guys and Dolls, usually when I’m drunk and alone, and I can still feel the edges of that dream I had, that I’d be a star. I can still feel like it might come true.
“But in the meantime, I’m standing here wearing this bullshit excuse for a Halloween costume because I need to make rent, okay? You know and I know that this costume’s garbage, so just cut me a little slack, could you?
“Luck be a lady tonight … luck if you’ve ever been a lady to begin with … oh god, this is my life.”
8. Department of Erections and Happy Priest (tie)
These are two of the tackiest entries in the depressingly popular subgenre “standard boring costume (plus boner).” These are only sold in adult sizes, which is probably good, but also undercuts their market, because the only people who could conceivably find this hilarious are in junior high school.
The prison costume made the list because it will be used mainly for prison-rape jokes by people you would jump out a window to avoid talking to.
The priest costume made the list because it will be used mainly for pedophilia jokes by people the guy in the prison-rape costume would jump out a window to avoid talking to.
7. Nasty Banana
Subtle. Classy. Covered in rapeface. This is for all the people who looked at the other available giant-banana costumes and said “Ah, I dunno. I mean, it’s a penis joke, but … it’s awfully subtle. My friends aren’t the most sophisticated, it might go over their heads. But I REALLY want to make a banana-penis joke. That’s too good a core concept to abandon. If only they had a costume that was way more overt about the penis thing and also had a face painted on it that will haunt the nightmares of any living creature with a soul … oh, hey, they do!”
6. Snake Charmer
See, it’s a snake, but it’s in the same place as his penis would be, so it’s like … y’know, if you have to explain it, it’s not funny. Or, in this case, if you don’t have to. The comedy here is just not salvageable. This is such a comedy disaster that just by existing it cancels out the career of Dave Chappelle.
The worst thing about this is that the flute is connected to the snake head, so you can move the snake around. This means that the snake will inevitably and invariably be used to lift the skirt of any woman in a skirt who turns her back on the guy wearing this. It also means that either this guy has his hands full all evening, or he’s got a fake flute dangling from a penis-snake by a bit of fishing line, dragging on the floor and taking this costume from “grimly unfunny” to “actively depressing”.
5. Longuini’s Sausage & Meatballs
First off, that is not how you carry a plate of food. No waiter in the history of the food service industry has ever carried a plate that way. So this joke is dead in the water before it gets started. And then once it does get started, the entire joke consists of “Uh … penis.” In other words, they’ve fucked up a joke with no moving parts, a joke consisting of a single word. Six-year-olds who’ve just learned dirty words can land a dick joke more successfully than this.
Second, that plate’s attached to the apron. Meaning that, not unlike the previous entry, if the poor guy wearing this wants to do anything with his hands all night, he’s just got this bizarre non-plate thing hanging off the front of his apron, its pointlessly unfunny phallus now deprived of whatever context it might once have enjoyed.
4. Hung Like A Horse
“Hey guys, look. Look, guys. Guys. Guys, no seriously, look. Hey, c’mon, look. Guys. Guys. Look, guys. Look. Check it out, guys. See? I’m HUNG LIKE A HORSE. See? It’s a visual pun.”
No. No it is not. It is to a visual pun as a flattened, sun-dried, crow-picked remnant of roadkill is to a living animal.
The sense of shame you are feeling right now, Hung Like A Horse dude, is entirely appropriate and warranted. In your old age, surrounded by your grandchildren, you will suddenly and unwillingly remember that once you thought it was a good idea to pay money for this non-costume and wear it where other people could see it. You will feel disgusted by yourself and undeserving of any happiness that may have brightened your life in the intervening decades, and you will be right to feel that way.
Visual pun … my god, man. Have some self-respect.
Next: Baseball Nut, Breathalyzer (complete with ‘Blow Here’) and more.
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I hope a new Hitler arises and burns the Jew that wrote this stupid article. There are 2 genders, hail hydra
Sorry Noah, I didn’t realize this was a 4 year old article that was reprinted
Wow you’re quite the journalist.
Translation : I have no sense of humor, and I don’t want adults to have fun at adult parties.
Noah! Nice seeing you again. Hope all is well with you?
Vulgar and stupid.
I think a lot of men would love to dress in revealing Halloween costumes if they thought women would actually find it sexy. That’s why you only see sexy male costumes in gay culture.
You’re gay
I don’t think these costumes are sexist.
The models are white guys. The costumes are fallace centered. Is there some connection? Why don’t African American guys wear “Big Penis” costumes? Then it occurred that white entertainment could have a penis facination if not a sex facination:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqlOAX-3r18. “The Ambiguosly Gay Duo” the care is a phallus? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4eYSpIz2FjU “Family Guy” Where the dog’s nose is a phallus? Is there a new sexual insecurity among white males? Terms such as “Great Equalizer” (Handgun) find resonance with guys who wear and are consumed with phallic symbols to such a degree. All Hallows Eve is still a cool night for the kids… Read more »
No one read your argument. No one cares how you feel about anything
Offense is in the eye of the beholder. Why the hell can’t people wear cartoonish costumes? You who else would agree with you, Noah? My grandmother and every other “good Christian” who would find these suggestive costumes sinful in their representation of a man’s unspeakables. I know you’re coming at it from another angle, but it’s the same nonsense, really. Let people have their fun and lighten up.
These costumes are sexist and they’re not sexy. They’re stupid. I guess male sexuality in Halloween is like a lot of male nudity in film. It’s treated as a joke. At least the sexist women’s Halloween costumes are actually sexy.
Yes. It’s really great that every year Halloween roles around, women AND young girls are expected to conform yet again to ideals of their attractivess and sexiness being the only thing of worth about them. It’s a great message to send all those little girls and young teenage girls isn’t it? It’s fantastic that you can now see 13 year olds dressed up in these outfits like little wanna-be strippers. It’s great that Alice in Wonderland, a inquistive child’s character has turned into a man’s porno dream. Because really, that’s all women are in our culture today. It’s a great… Read more »
When I was younger, it always bothered me more when I was called a derogatory name for a Chinese person than when I was referred to by a derogatory word for a Filipino, which I am. If someone is going to be racist at least be racist right. That’s where I’m coming from with the Halloween costumes. If you’re going to create sexist costumes at least create costumes that are actually sexy. I agree that sexist costumes are wrong regardless of whom they’re targeted at. The at least comment is more a personal pet peeve than a social commentary. I… Read more »
These costumes are meant to be sexy? I thought they were just a joke?
I think it’s absolutely stupid that they take costumes such as armored characters, such as ironman, and make them into silly “sexy” dresses for women. And sexy clothing for children is disturbing as hell fullstop.
There is a place for sexy outfits such as the sinners ball we have in the city here (18+ event where people dress up in all kinds of sexualized outfits) but I don’t think it should be the majority of all costumes.
The truth is that men are not allowed to be sexy and women are not allowed to be anything BUT sexy. Each one of us lives in his or her half of that rotten, discriminating situation, sometimes wishing to be able to do what the other side is allowed (or forced) to do. That’s the way I read John’s statement, and I think it is humanly natural to feel his way. How about we fight TOGETHER to tear down ALL those rules, so everybody can be as sexy or unsexy as they please? The first step would be to never… Read more »
I’ve seen a worse version of “priest with boner” before. It was “priest with plush altar boy attached to groin”. They can in fact get worse.
Don’t underestimate the power of drugs or alcohol to make a bad idea seem like a brilliant idea.
“Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American people.” — H.L. Mencken
That quote was from a long time ago, and I doubt Mencken had ever seen anything like this, but the idea still holds.
Sorry, should say “American public” not “American people.”
sexiness is a womans job and men have exactly one thing about them that’s sexually attractive
And what , pray tell is that?
These costumes ARE stupid.
On the other hand, you might even be able to take the walking phallus costume and make it into some kind of pro-male poltical statement- I’m just not sure what that statement would be. Or the walking penis could really be just plain ol silly. If it’s good enough for Aristophanes, it’s good enough for me.
“sexiness is a womans job and men have exactly one thing about them that’s sexually attractive.” How ironic is it that at the bottom of every costume pictured is an add for the ‘Sausagefest’ movie Magic Mike. Did you plan that Noah?
I was in my local Halloween store a few weeks ago and they literally had an entire wall of these penis costumes. But men don’t face pressures when it chez to sex though….
Aren’t these just breath-takingly shit rather than sexist?
My thoughts exactly.
I think it’s both and that’s one of the things that bothers me.
My usual take is that if something can be construed as being sexist against men AND women at the same time (which is certainly true for the last 3 images), then it is neither really, but just goddamnedly stupid. So yeah, I agree.
I’ve got to dress up as a vagina this Halloween then. With all of these dicks walking around, one has got to combat it somehow. Perhaps I’ll liven it up with some sequins and be a vajazzled vagina. SEXY
I’m sorry but I have to admit I think these are wildly hilarious. Yes yes men are beautiful and there’s no need to laugh at the male form and so on and so forth… But what if I just love penis jokes?
*facepalm*
Oh God. Kill me now.
LOL!
Wow. Hard ons. Hilarious. But, I’m surprised at how little they’ve been able to do with erectile disfunction Halloween costumes.
You should see the costumes at the NYC Village Halloween Parade!
So what you’re really saying is what we have here is cultural gender appropriation.
…Butt do they come in LARGE sizes ?????