Imagine you have a life rowboat with room for about 6 other guys – You need 6 guys who you can count on. Who is in your rowboat?
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After 10 years and more than 150 mens’ workshops, I’ve found that there’s one thing that most men have in common. At some point most of us have felt like we’ve gone through this world isolated.
It’s easy to do. It’s easy to think, “Maybe I can do all of this by myself?” The movies tell us we can. And you know maybe we can do it all by ourselves, but it sure as hell isn’t as much fun. There’s the old idiom of drinking alone is somehow automatically sad.
How many six-dollar beers have you wasted hanging out with guys who don’t really matter in your life?
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That analogy actually extends even further. How many six-dollar beers have you wasted hanging out with guys who don’t really matter in your life? There have been moments early in my self-awareness that I was surrounded by people and never felt more alone.
That all changed when I began looking for ALLIES instead of just drinking buddies. Now, my idea of friends are the kind of guys who can get into the trenches with me. Those guys understand the true value of the victories… and so they celebrate better.
Imagine you have a rowboat with room for about 6 other guys – because that’s about the limit of our intimate capacity as humans.
You need 6 other guys who you can count on. Who is in your rowboat?
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Most of us have three problems when developing our rowboats…
One. We don’t know how to be real with the positive guys in our lives.
Two. We don’t know how to cut the dead weight from our lives.
Three. We don’t know how to be mentors or recruit mentors.
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So if you want to build real allies into your life and get un-isolated, the three steps you need to take to build a solid rowboat are:
1. Get real and start connecting with the strong rowers in your boat. This can be as simple as calling up the guy who you respect most and saying the simple words, “Hello brother, I respect you and your friendship means a lot to me.”
2. Identify the weak links in your boat, invite them to step up with you or cut them loose and let new guys step into the empty spots. Who is holding you back? We all have this guy in our life. It’s someone who just doesn’t go beyond the surface. So you’re going to give them an opportunity to step up to the plate, or you’re going to move on. You might have to break up with a friend – that’s just part of this game. As you evolve and you grow, your friends are going to need to evolve and grow with you.
3. Recruit meaningful mentors and become a mentor yourself. Establish what you’re looking for in a mentorship, pay attention to the opportunity to ask for a mentor, and then ask!
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About the Featured Image:
UW Olympics Gold Crew of 1936, Berlin
50th Reunion at team dock.
Space unoccupied by their late teammate Charles Day.
Photo by Alan Berner for The Seattle Times©.
Dated 1 August 1986.
Original from photo collection of the S. P. H. S.
The fact that you believe that the people in the rowboat need to be of your own gender is interesting. As if there is no female friend that could ever fit the bill of the things you require. As if all women were in the ‘dead wood’ category.
I understand this is ‘The Good Men” project, but when it comes to the six in my rowboat, I don’t limit myself to my own gender.
You make a good point, one which I didn’t clarify in this post very well but which I do address in person frequently. Thank you for pointing it out. When I work with men, I highlight women as profound allies in our personal growth. In fact, I believe there is nobody in my life who more consistently challenges and expects me to live up to my purpose and ideal. If men allow it, their relationships with women can inspire incredible momentum and empowerment along their life journeys. In my experience, nearly all men crave real friendships and a team with… Read more »
Yes, I understand that. And in cultures where male role-models are sorely lacking, However, I’m challenging the fundamental premise of ‘brotherhood’. All humans crave real friendships. Everyone benefits from a deep association with purposeful people. But I’d like to suggest that your model of how to achieve that underscores separateness. It underscores an us and them mentality. It perpetuates the idea that there are experiences unique to genders. I’d say there are experiences that are unique to individuals. You don’t need someone who knows what you’re going through. You need someone who has the empathy and imagination to understand it.… Read more »