Meow: The Incredible True Story of America’s Fattest Cat

meow the cat

Oh, to be someone else.  The Old Long Johnson cat, maybe.  He got his fifteen minutes of fame and wasn’t borne to the ground by the crushing weight of his hideous, inexplicable adipose tissue in the process.  Have you seen how I walk?  How I play?  I can’t even ascend the stairs, for crying out loud. I’m [...]

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American Reunion

Ok, SPOILER ALERT! I just got to see a sneak preview the new American Reunion film and it was everything you’d expect from that hilarious crew of aging “teen” actors. If you’ve been surviving off the direct-to-video Band Camp films like me, then AR has arrived just in the (Saint) nick (IS IT ALREADY CHRISTMAS? [...]

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Hardgaining 101: In pursuit of the ripped 220

batemansex16

With the advent of springtime, you guys should put down those video game controllers and Toblerones so that you can start working on the summer bod of your dreams. You’ve got only a few weeks to reach that long-coveted goal of a ripped 220-pound physique, which means you’ll have to “hardgain” the necessary weight and [...]

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An ode to bulging biceps

Biceps

Hey dude, are you using that preacher bench? How many sets of curls do you have left? Three, huh? Hey, why don’t we call it one, and then you can go join that girl who has been reading Glamour magazine on the elliptical trainer for the last six hours. How does that sound? Look, I’m [...]

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Susie Meister: Fame, dolphin tats, and the rules of the road

Pittsburgh — the little city that almost did and still might — has served as the launching pad for the careers of former Extreme Championship Wrestling World Heavyweight Champion Shane Douglas, comic book publisher Jim Shooter, retired federal judge Robert Bork, and the jam band Rusted Root. Susie Meister, a Pittsburgh native and multiple-time winner [...]

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The Match.com Bachelor

Dear you, The reason I have carefully chosen to randomly message you is because I am hoping to interest you in an exciting competition that I will be hosting in the near future.  This competition, which is based on the hit television show “The Bachelor,” will consist of the 12 to 15 of you showing [...]

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Madonna discusses her impending Super Bowl halftime show

Here’s my big chance to get back in the good graces of the people who matter: the kids, the hipsters, the scenesters, the gutterpunks.  What could be more hip, now, or “with it” than a Super Bowl halftime show, right?  Subversive.  Underground.  These things have launched careers.  The Rolling Stones, Paul McCartney, Tom Petty, “the [...]

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The Puppy Bowl

This would be Old Dan’s last Puppy Bowl.  He had been a Redbone Coonhound at a time when most of the pups were still English Bulldogs, but the game had changed.  In other words, it wasn’t the same as it had once been. “What’s most notable about this Puppy Bowl is how it’s different from [...]

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Kindest Regards

Dear friend, As you well know, these are fraught economic times, particularly for cash-strapped graduate students like myself. This was why I took to the Internet five weeks ago in an attempt to sell my beloved Xbox 360 and five excellent games (including Maddens 2010-2012) for a mere $150. I placed my advertisement on the [...]

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Eddy Curry: To Serve Fans

Legendary baller Eddy “Massaman” Curry returned to action for the first time in two years, scoring six points and grabbing three boards in six minutes of action for Miami’s version of whatever “Dream Team” is all the rage these days.  It seems that Curry–perhaps to not be such a black hole on the court, perhaps to [...]

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Ted Arcidi: The Ultimate Musclebear?

Ted Arcidi:  I remember you, albeit dimly.  Big brawny mid-carder. One of the few Wrestling Superstars action figures I didn’t have. “Mr. 705 bench press” (and a legitimate lift at that, Dino Bravo).  You wrestled entire matches that consisted of nothing more than bear hugs and tests of strength.  Putting aside the completely untalented Jeep [...]

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Our Weekly Glen “Big Baby” Davis Feature, Part 1: The Secret Sharer

Glen “Big Baby” Davis:  6’9″ (in heels) and 289 pounds (at least) of endomorphic adequacy.  Draws charges, can’t defend the rim, uses his enormous posterior to muscle for rebounding position on the offensive glass, takes a bunch of bad shots, uses way too many of his team’s possessions when he’s on the floor.  He’s at [...]

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The Primary

You walk out the door of your efficiency apartment, as ready as you’ll ever be to vote in the primary election.  There’s so much at stake:  job creation, the War on Terror, taxes, illegal immigration, 420-friendliness, gay marriage.  How could anyone possibly understand all of this?  But somehow these eight or nine candidates do.  Each [...]

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A letter about that new Three Stooges movie

poledancingdoll

Dear Emily, I know it has been a long time since we last corresponded, but I finally feel like I have something worthwhile to say:  a new Three Stooges will premiere in the spring.  This film, which combines the directing talents of the Farrelly Brothers with the ham acting of Sean Hayes and Will Sasso, is [...]

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Kim Kardashian, my new girlfriend

BoobMan

Hello, Mom and Dad!  I’m really glad to be home for the holidays.  Yes, okay, I know I live here, but still–this is a time of the year where it’s super important that families come together.  That’s why I want to introduce you to Kim Kardashian, my new girlfriend. Now stop right there.  I know [...]

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Newt Gingrich’s Dissertation

kidstasseltee81709slw

  Newt Gingrich’s dissertation here.  As you might have guessed, I’ve taken on a life of my own.  These things tend to happen more than you think, especially around the holidays when everybody’s so crazy busy.  I know I’m supposed to be about Belgian education policy in the Congo, but I refuse to let labels [...]

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