The Shining — The Good Men Project

The Choicest Maryland Blue Crabs

February 17, 2011 by Christie Chapman Leave a Comment

A man walks into a restaurant and asks the maître d’, “Excuse me, but do you serve crabs here?” The maître d’ replies, “Yes, sir, the choicest Maryland blue crabs, flown in fresh.” A man walks into a restaurant and asks the maître d’, “Excuse me, but do you serve crabs here?” The maître d’ replies, “No, [...]

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Filed Under: moustacheclubofamerica, The Shining Tagged With: A man walks into a bar and the bartender says "What'll you have?" So the guy asks for a beer and then later he pays his tab and goes home without incident., Excuse me garçon but what is this? It's bean soup sir. But I ordered a salad!, How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One., Please don't take my wife. I love her

So funny I forgot to laugh

January 10, 2011 by Christie Chapman 1 Comment

Not funny ha-ha The clown chose me because my family was in the front row. He honked his obnoxious horn and stuck a suspicious-looking flower in my face. It squirted water, and the audience laughed at my humiliation and I cried for the darkness of the human soul. Cry, Baby The baby [...]

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Filed Under: moustacheclubofamerica, The Shining Tagged With: he kept thinking he was riding a hot streak but really it was just one favorable random occurrence after another, you couldn't write stories that are nastier than the things that are happening today but don't think for a moment we'll stop trying

Some Christmas Stories: I’m-a call you my shawty

December 31, 2010 by Christie Chapman Leave a Comment

1. Country Song She had been reduced to a faint twang drowned in radio static on the road through Arkansas where nobody lived and nobody listened. It was her worst fear. 2. Dream I wake and tell you about my dream, as if it’s an urgent news dispatch from another realm, and [...]

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Filed Under: moustacheclubofamerica, The Shining Tagged With: 30 days 30 great people: #4--anyone who is really passionate about fantasy football

Some Christmas Stories: Laurette

December 29, 2010 by Christie Chapman Leave a Comment

1. Golden Retriever “Come here,” said the lady, who was Asian-American and in her fifties at least. “OK,” said the guy, who was in his 20s and as blonde and blue-eyed as apple pie. He was eager to please; a friend had told him that his “spirit animal” was a golden retriever. She kissed him [...]

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Filed Under: moustacheclubofamerica, The Shining Tagged With: 30 days 30 great people: #7--emily twiggs (wherever you are!)

Some Christmas Stories: We Wear Short Shorts!

December 28, 2010 by Christie Chapman Leave a Comment

1. Whatever Happened I saw this kid in the cemetery down in Punta Arenas, Chile. I did the tourist thing of going to the cemetery there because it was printed in bold in the guidebook. I stalked the perimeter for a moment, not sure it was open or how to get in. This reminded me [...]

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Filed Under: moustacheclubofamerica, The Shining Tagged With: 30 days 30 great people: #9--any joker who spends most of college quoting lines from his favorite college comedy

Some Christmas Stories: Who Wears Short Shorts?

December 23, 2010 by Christie Chapman Leave a Comment

1. Even better than the real thing The library book of stories from around the world is from 1925 and has things underlined in pencil and decades-old mustard spots on the pages. There’s a story from Nicaragua about a deaf satyr. A story from Nicaragua about a deaf satyr. It’s enough for me to just [...]

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Filed Under: moustacheclubofamerica, The Shining Tagged With: 30 days 30 great people: #10--people who make a point of telling you about how they only watch television on dvd

Moons

October 7, 2010 by Christie Chapman Leave a Comment

I am unable to tell you this, but I think of you every time I see the moon. Every time — that’s a lot of times. I think about how you’re mystical and gave me that onyx pendant to help absorb and deflect all the negativity in my life. I’m not mystical, so I don’t really [...]

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Filed Under: moustacheclubofamerica, The Shining Tagged With: i wish lon chaney were alive so that he could my dad in the phantom of the opera and did i mention my dad was the real phantom of the opera?, if you had to name one person that you'd like to spend the rest of your life with i'm sure you and most of your friends would say brad the bachelor, larry was my best friend back then because he was willing to overlook faults of mine such as hogging the bicycle seat, my big problem with the germ theory of disease is that it doesn't explain why i keep catching the rockin' pneumonia, the body and soul are separated by six feet of pink panther-endorsed insulation, there were so many reasons to buy that car but i'm waiting for santa claus to stuff it down the chimney, we need more television shows where people are given outside assistance with their cat problems

You are so beautiful don’t be afraid I love you more than you can know

September 16, 2010 by Christie Chapman Leave a Comment

Once upon a time I ate a muffin. It had like infinity calories in it. And also it had like infinity grams of saturated fat in it, too. I ate it up and it was so good. It’s like Madonna says: “Absolutely no regrets.” I got all fat. I got fatter than my car, fatter [...]

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Filed Under: moustacheclubofamerica, The Shining Tagged With: 100 questions about sex answered!, did you know that toothpaste is really erotic?, if you can't describe to your boyfriend how you pleasure yourself you should just go ahead and show him, if you want him to dominate you you should tie him up first and then ask him to return the favor, if you want to really surprise him you should crochet a lambskin condom for him, it's perfectly okay if your housecat watches because we can guarantee you that he or she has no idea what is going on, it's perfectly safe as long as you go slow and use lots of lube, miso soup is probably the sexiest soup, news flash guys--if you want to get kissed get wild and get over it buy her a personal pan pizza with your book it certificate, one of the most seductive things a woman can do for her man is to wash and wax his car, there is nothing more sensual than watching showtime at the apollo together, yes he can break it--if he's not careful!, you can't get pregnant from standing next to a man who is really well endowed despite what you may have seen in movies

Pilgrims…in Vegas!

August 30, 2010 by Christie Chapman Leave a Comment

John Goodefellow sat in a red velvet zebra-striped armchair and heaved a sigh of deepest despair. He surveyed the wreckage around him in the hotel room. This was not goode. Prudence Marie and Virtue Anne were passed-out drunk, draped over the slumbering form of Nathaniel Temperance, who wore naught but his buckled shoes. There were [...]

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Filed Under: moustacheclubofamerica, The Shining Tagged With: certs is the longest-lasting mint on the market said nine out of ten studies conducted by the company that manufactured certs, i heard or maybe read somewhere that the kardashians are feuding with one another and that's a shame because they're such wonderful people, i wish diane lane would do some more movies about women having midlife crises cause i can relate to that, is it wrong to feel this way about something as simple as hemorrhoids?, it's called eat pray love and those are three things that women really love, oh goodness i'm so tired, there are a lot of reasons to read this story but because i said so isn't one of them

Vitamin D for my goth daughter

August 25, 2010 by Christie Chapman Leave a Comment

There’s a country song, “Live Like Yer Dyin’.” I forget who sings it. Maybe Boogie Crackerjack. But that’s something else. That song’s about how life is precious and how it can slip away from you — it’s really about livin’. “Carpe diem” and all that horseshit. Well, it’s horseshit I agree with. I think you [...]

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Filed Under: moustacheclubofamerica, The Shining Tagged With: a heart broke somewhere in iowa and i think that's pretty sad even though it's iowa we're talking about, babies are nature's little reminders that you're going to get replaced so hey you better start writing that hot college comedy before it's too late!, could you spare a dime? no? i understand man times are tough all over and we're no exceptions to the rule, don't you just hate web 2.0?, hate it? i don't even know what it is, what it is is a collection of the most idiotic shit imaginable so of course people love it

Non-Profit Nazis…in Space

July 28, 2010 by Christie Chapman Leave a Comment

Hansel sighed and looked at his space-watch. Three more hours left in the workday. Ugh. He had been hard at work on his e-newsletter blurbs all day. The e-newsletter would be sent to the inboxes of folks who had donated to the non-profit organization that Hansel worked for. It was a Nazi non-profit organization, and [...]

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Filed Under: moustacheclubofamerica, The Shining Tagged With: are you tired of all those diets that promise results but don't deliver them? this diet delivers results (and everything else) because it's the united parcel service, ever wonder how indie folk-rockers stay so thin? we do too, i ate nothing but the internet for three weeks and now i'm here on the red carpet!, i know you're big boned so that's why i'm proposing this radical bone removal surgery, lose ten thousand pounds in less than three seconds using our amazing new diet, my patented water diet will drain all the water from your body and replace it with nothing, say what you want about anorexia but it's kinda nice never having to go to the bathroom, this new diet will make you thinner just because that's what a serious meth addiction does, unwanted pounds? a few inches in all the wrong places? call us because we still love you, west virginia is now the official diet state of the united states because so many people are starving there

The Greatest Show on Earth!

July 20, 2010 by Christie Chapman Leave a Comment

Some folks run away and join the circus. Not me, pal. I commute to the circus! I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who does that. I set an alarm clock that goes off by my bed in my house. I grumble and make coffee. I pack up my clown make-up and whimsical honking horn [...]

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Filed Under: moustacheclubofamerica, The Shining Tagged With: 116 visualization tricks to make that big fat slob seem like the man of your dreams, 211 arts and crafts ideas that will keep you from realizing how bad things are, 29 reasons to bear up against the unbearable, 3259 cosmetics secrets that THEY don't want you to discover, 33 excuses that are sure to make your parents forgive you for being such a disappointment, 68 sex secrets your dad doesn't know anything about, 8008 hot hints from the catholic version of the kama sutra, 86 ways to come out to your family without actually telling them you're gay, five ways to make him love you forever and ever!, the 542 best techniques for enjoying your empty awful marriage

It’s really not that difficult

May 20, 2010 by Christie Chapman Leave a Comment

He sent a document from his computer to the printer, and then he went to the printer to wait for it. He waited and nothing happened. He looked at the printer screen: “Out of paper in Tray 4. Please put paper in Tray 4.” He was taken aback and very uncomfortable. He did not like [...]

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Filed Under: moustacheclubofamerica, The Shining Tagged With: oh larry you know i can't do that, oh look it's just a spot it'll come out in the wash, oh lord lord please have mercy on me, oh lordy lordy ruth is turning forty, oh please don't come at me with the sweetheart this and sweetheart that stuff you know it won't work, oh why am i always dating the wrong people? i mean it's not like i'm pursuing them or anything so it can't be me it just can't not at all nossireebob

Nobody gets hurt

May 6, 2010 by Christie Chapman Leave a Comment

Victor tipped back in his rolly swivel chair and surveyed his words on the glowing computer screen in his dark bachelor-pad apartment. His name was Victor, but he was no such thing. He was a loser. It was Thursday night, and he’d had all week to complete his work assignment, which was to come up [...]

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Filed Under: moustacheclubofamerica, The Shining Tagged With: it's been a good year for MBAs, oh you know jim can't handle this vintage, so you're in accounting too?, these are just a handful of the wonderful punchlines that have graced New Yorker cartoons over the past three decades, you can always recognize a yale man

You’d be “barking mad” to not love this show

March 6, 2010 by Christie Chapman Leave a Comment

Boogie Crackerjack is a sought-after actress, even though she’s retarded. I’m not saying she shouldn’t be a sought-after actress because she’s retarded — I am merely paying tribute to the special challenges she has overcome. Anyway, she gets lots of scripts. Here’s a synopsis of one of them. It’s for a TV show called “Windows [...]

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Filed Under: moustacheclubofamerica, The Shining Tagged With: <3, (: wrong way lol, asl pls, but maybe this is what it all reduces to, dude wtf?, if this makes them happy and this makes them hot and this touches their soul then that's that and it's every bit as valid as my stories, isn't it funny that people communicate this way?, khtx :) :), maybe this is the baseline or heart filament or whatever, nm u?, rofl u got that rite, so who am i to judge you know?, sup, ttfn, u got pix trade

Motive

March 3, 2010 by Christie Chapman Leave a Comment

“I’ll have a cinnamon-chip scone,” the middle-aged woman chirped, and then she rocked up onto the tips of her pink cowgirl boots in self-satisfaction, and I wanted to kill her. Because I felt I could see into her mind as though her skull were made of clear plastic. As if she were a Mrs. Potato [...]

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Filed Under: moustacheclubofamerica, The Shining Tagged With: "get with the program!" yelled the saucy and independent chat show host at the top of her lungs, good for you but there isn't enough wood in the world to rebuild the city where my heart lived, i fell in love with the wrong person because that person wasn't a person at all she was a mannequin they made a movie out of it, i like how facebook always tells me when some famous person has died and i am usually surprised by how much he or she was loved, larry bird had a textbook jump shot and i should know because i authored that textbook which is now on its fifth edition, rub your television set like a genie's bottle and maybe you'll get that hot new infomercial product you've always wanted, we have our own homegrown timber industry and we're darn proud of it

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Facing the Reality of Men Who’ve Been Raped By Women

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Courtnay Midkiff is Walking Cross Country to Raise Awarness of a Rare and Deadly Disease

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Pregnant Boys: Chicago’s Teen Pregnancy Campaign Sparks Conversation

Chicago is shocking the world with its 2013 teen pregnancy prevention campaign, which features pregnant teenage boys.

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Supreme Court Rules Proof of Citizenship Not Required for Voter Registration

The Supreme Court has ruled against an Arizona law that requires voters to provide proof of citizenship in addition to a driver’s license before they can register to vote.

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When Bad Men Do Good Things

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Business Travel with Dad

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Ernie’s Auto-Erotic Wallpaper

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Male sexual performance supplements are largely unregulated, yet may contain dangerous drugs not listed on the label.

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