“A long list of dealbreakers means you aren’t really looking for an actual human being to date.”


wellokaythen says that if your list of dealbreakers has more than a few items on it, you probably have unrealistic expectations.

This is a comment by wellokaythen on the post “Your Dealbreakers Are Getting in Your Way“.

wellokaythen said:

My totally amateurish theory on the subject — the long list of dealbreakers tends to appear when people do one or both of the following:

1. They are not really looking for a human being to date but are basically looking for something else. What they are looking for is not really a fully-fledged person, someone who’s complicated, flawed, and has an independent existence as an individual. Instead, they are looking for something that a real-life person can’t really do for them: completion of me as a person, an accessory who does exactly what I want, a thing to fill out a void in my life, a way to transcend my childhood, a therapeutic tool, etc.

If you’re looking for someone who’s not a human being, then you have definitely set yourself up for failure, because, dang it, every person you meet will turn out to be a human being.

2. They are not all that clear with themselves about the kind of *relationship* they want. They don’t really have a concrete idea what they’re looking for in an intimate relationship but are hoping to find a good candidate first and then watch the whole thing just magically come together. You can’t figure out a good match until you know what the job description is. It’s useless to figure out what you want in another person when you haven’t even figured out what you want in a relationship. That requires much more homework than a list of bad qualities in another person.

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