This is a comment byJames on the post “Do Guys Fight For Their Friendships? (Hint: NYT says “No”; I say “Hell, Yes”!)“.
“Thanks for the article Tom. I understand what you are saying about this concept of masculinity and the way that men can often work things out physically and sometimes quickly move on without ever really talking about the emotions/feelings that were touched. However, this way of communicating and building relationships is clearly not working for all boys and men in our society. Boys are taught that toughness, violence, winning and being at the top is the most important aspect of proving their masculinity creating much isolation, hurt, shame and violence.
“In my view boys and men need to develop emotional intelligence that goes beyond toughness—where they can grow in intimacy, learn to listen to their bodies and communicate a full range of feelings including vulnerable emotions. Why? Because men are getting hurt physically by other men, they are hurting themselves through self-harm and suicide, they are hurting their relationships through avoidance and inability to communicate, they are hurting.
“I like your story about your friend and while and I have friends like that—however there are many men who have had life long friends who they have never been able to share what they really feel and even say, when not drunk … ‘I really like being with you’ — and so many men really don’t know, they are left guessing that can lead to isolation.”
Photo credit: Flickr / Rennett Stowe
I welcome men becoming more emotionally intelligent. It makes for deeper, more interesting, more honest relationships. We are evolving as an animal and becoming more human. That humanity requires us to be more honest and loving. I think that is a wonderful thing.
Leia, manonmar is right, besides, why is anybody sticking with a guy like you just described? We are treated by others, including our husbands, the way we let them treat us. Believe me, if my husband did any of those things or anything which I thought to be offensive and disrespectful even once, he would hear an ear full from me. If he continued, he would be a divorced man in a hurry. Don’t blame men for treating you like crap, you let them. Have enough self-respect to not allow anybody, not even your husband to walk all over you.… Read more »
Leia, sorry but that guy is just a dick…stop confusing all men with one man
What is emotional intelligence? It’s reading other people’s emotions, including your own, and acting accordingly (hopefully, in a helpful and appropriate way)…. For example, if your 8 month pregnant wife is uncomfortable and lying on your friend’s sofa, you go to her and hold her hand or get her a pillow or maybe walk around with her….(i.e.., you acknowledge her feelings of discomfort and pay attention to her even though you know she will still feel crampy and crappy no matter what you do because you really love her)… NOT sitting with your male buddies drinking beers and telling ribald… Read more »
Leia, I am sorry to hear that your man is not treating you right. Perhaps you can be candid in your own vulnerabilities and discuss your upset with him rather than voicing it on an online blog. You have the right to a respectful, loving, kind husband. Sadly, we can’t be the ones to help you, he can (or you can!)
That’s true, guys are usually so scared to talk about their feelings and emotions, and many of them do not know how to handle them properly, especially in a relationship. What makes a real man is not only how many other men he can beat up, out run, our ride, out golf etc.but also his capacity for introspection and self-reflection. Too often guys can’t say they’re sorry even though they know they’re wrong. Then again, if they were able to do all of this, they would be perfect, and we would call them women….lol
This is crap. Wtf is emotional iintelligence? Guys can be sensitive but mot obvious abiut it.