This is a comment by Lesli Doares on the post “Are Men Lazy?“
“I appreciate this thread very much. It reminds of a couple I counseled where the woman had two antagonistic expectations: she believed the man should be the primary breadwinner; and she believed she was entitled to a certain lifestyle. The main problem was that she married a teacher. She resented having to work at a high level job to maintain their standard of living. Her solution was for him to change careers. I see some form of this argument all the time.
“We keep trying to run away from our biological, evolutionary underpinnings and spend an incredible amount of time blaming each other instead of finding a workable solution. Our culture’s unrelenting focus on acquiring stuff drives a lot of it. I mean, do we really need to spend two days in line waiting to spend $600 for a phone so we can spend more time avoiding being in relationships with the people in the same room? Do we really need ever bigger homes so we don’t even have to be in the same room with the people we live with?
“Couples need to honor and respect the contributions each partner makes. We are designed to work together but somehow have really lost sight of that.”
Photo credit: Flickr / Hortlander
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Lesli,
Great comment. This is really the crux of the problem. Many people PRETEND to marry for love…..
However, it is really about lifestyle, $$$, and everything else except love and affection. The institution of marriage in America has become a complete farce. Relatively high divorce stats simply confirm such. You cannot call anything with a failure rate of nearly 50% a successful endeavor.
We live in an increasingly narcissistic and material society in America. The primary motivation for many people getting married is financial. If they want to be financial partners, then you cannot mask it with marriage.
My advice to men would be to simply marry a woman who has the assets and income that he possesses. This will solve many of the problem. Today’s modern well educated single woman fully understands this fact. Men need to do the same to avoid predatory behavior by SOME women.
Maybe not a successful endeavor, but a complete farce? That seems a bit extreme and discounts the 50% (or whatever percent it actually is – people throw that 50% around like it’s gospel) of marriages that turn out alright.
I’d also say few people “pretend” to get married for love. That implies willful deceit. People do get married because they love each other. I think some people just don’t understand, at least not at the outset, that it takes more than love. Compatibility on all the other issues – lifestyle, income, spending habits, children, even down to hybrid vs. gasoline-fueld car – are really important, and I think some marriages fail because of a lack of compatibility on everything BUT love.
I also think some people go into marriage believing that it’s a culmination of their relationship, not a continuing work-in-progress. Marriage doesn’t solve problems that were there before the vows were spoken. Marriage doesn’t guarantee a lifetime of happiness with your partner. It takes constant work, constant attention, and constant adjustment. Those who aren’t prepared for it, or are unwilling to handle it – yeah, their marriages are more likely to fail. Same as someone who wants to lose weight but is unprepared to make sacrifices and step up to the physical challenge of exercise will probably fail as well.
I don’t think your advice for men to only marry women who can match their assets is realistic. A couple with an imbalance of assets can still work just fine as long as they are realistic and make compromises (like I said above, they have to be willing to work at it). Balanced assets certainly make it easier, but there’s no guarantee they’ll ever STAY balanced, is there? One person loses a job, the other person’s car is totaled, one person has to dip into their IRA to cover a major unexpected expense, the other person winds up having to default on their student loans.
Balanced GOALS are even more important, though, than assets. Does one partner want to work their way up to life in a McMansion with a boat and a luxury sedan and a swimming pool, while the other could contentedly live out their days in a townhouse apartment? Does one person love shiny new cars while the other always buys used? Does one person stock up on the latest fashions every season while the other makes their current clothes work until they’re no longer wearable? All of these are situations that can be worked around, with two willing partners (and maybe outside help from a counselor or financial advisor) but for some people, any of the above could be a dealbreaker. If you ask me, materialistic reasons are stupid dealbreaker, but hey, to each his/her own.