This is a comment by James on the post “F***ing and Making Love: What’s the Difference, Men?“.
James said:
“The word ‘fuck’ is often used in a violent way: ‘Fuck you,’ ‘Fuck off,’ ‘Go fuck yourself,’ ‘Motherfucker,’ and so on. That language appears to be a defensive and a way to attack/hurt the other person disguising our original hurt. In terms of sexual engagement it could be seen as an individualistic and selfish act—something I want to do to the other—‘I want to fuck you.’
“Making love appears to me to be much more consensual, something that two people do together, something that is creative, equal and loving.”
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Or it simply means fuck me baby, fuck me hard, it’s dirty talk….maybe aggressive consenting sex, it doesn’t mean rape and anyone trying to suggest so really pisses me off. Hardcore aggressive sex can be very loving, not everyone has vanilla sex in love, missionary isn’t the best position for everyone whilst the lights out. Sometimes lovers just wanna fuck hard n fuck long.
Sometimes this distinction between love making and fucking is used to shame men who want casual sex. I think we need to watch out for the double bind men are placed in sexually where they are shamed because of the power element that is associated with sex, which means that men must monitor their behavior around women, but are also shamed for not living up to masculine archetypes suggested by “50 shades of grey” billionaires- which ironically perpetuates the idea that sex and power are interconnected.
Aggression may not be only about power, it may be a way of expressing desire for a person. Thus even the fantasy of reducing a person to an “object” may be a way of saying I wish to possess you completely and furthermore so completely that one transgresses the simple categories of “good” and goes “beyond” the rational constraints of civilized society. So lovemaking and fucking are not always dichotomous within our culture. The “50 shades of grey” billionaire archetype is a societal expression of the idea that intimacy is achieved through aggression but it also teaches men that without that raw power and insensitivity that they are less sexually adequate.
Sexuality involves being willing to give and take. While aggression tends to focus on the idea of men taking -but making the woman the center of attention- and women giving, a great deal of pleasure in sexuality is sacrificed when men only focus on being in control. A man must be willing to receive and be responsive to sexuality and that means ceding control. I don’t think that men are selfish by taking up this role. In many ways they are responding to the social pressures that are handed to them by society and also the idea that they can not take a responsive role in sexuality. The passive role glamorized by “50 shades of grey” can be as equally selfish since it puts women at the center of sexual desire.
Fuck is transitive; “making love” is intransitive. All the nasty sexual words are transitive, whereas the nice ones are intransitive. Stephen Pinker talks about this in the stuff of thought.