“How do I put myself in her shoes in the heat of the moment when I’m experiencing my own emotions?”

This is a comment by Atalwin on the post “How to Deal with a Psycho Bitch from Hell“.

Mark Goode asked:

Are you asking for us to put ourselves in her shoes at the heat of the moment? Because its hard to do when we are experiencing our own reactions to her “temporary state” of psychoness! If we put ourselves in her shoes after all is said and done, how can we approach it with the same passion and or conviction that would allow us to examine what just happened on the same level? The question is given our differences could we realistically even do that? I’m not trying to be a smart ass about this, I would really like to know. Any ideas or suggestions?

Atalwin said:

Hey Mark, yes, you can. And yes, it is difficult and gets more difficult if you really love the girl. And you will make mistakes. Sometimes I still fall flat on my face but it happens less and less and I see my ignorance it faster and faster.

If this is a real thing in your life you are part of a destructive pattern. You want to break the pattern. I did this in 2004 be starting to learn about meditation, zen, the ego, all that stuff. I started because I wanted to learn to be always ‘zen’. I started because I wanted to suppress my anger since I had a girl who would (violently) accuse me and my anger of being the source of all evil. I believed it. I thought that if I would be calm she would not leave me. By learning to meditate I became aware of my thought patterns, fears (of abandonment) and reactions. Step by step I became less and less a slave of them. When my own ego was not blurring the moment I could ‘see’ her. It was not personal anymore. I could also see it was not my fault, my weakness or my anger.

Presence is disarming. It doesn’t work just with girls but also with aggression in life. I am a guy that can stop violence because i am (or can be) threatening if I want. But I very clearly remember the firs time that my presence was de-escalating instead of intimidating. A guy was looking for trouble and instead of kicking him out (normal response) I asked him what was going on, if he was okay. He looked first confused, then broke out smiling and the next moment we are hugging. Guess he just had a shitty night and wanted to fight but a bit of genuine interest was an even better medicine.

Thank you for your question! I hope this gives you an idea. I realize my answer is not complete. If you have more questions you are welcome.

Take care,

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  1. When does she put herself into my shoes in the middle of a disagreement? That’s a problem I’ve had for 30 years, including quite a fair amount of abuse as HER therapist stated it……at the time she claimed that was just how women were supposed to act. Guys live in fear of that disagreement that leads to loss of your kids, many women know this and use it for control. BPD like issues was what one therapist said before she found another more pliable one. Women are not any better than men, nor are they less likely to abuse another person, they do tend to use methods that are somewhat different than abusive men would.

  2. Here’s the problem I have with “putting myself in her shoes in the heat of the moment”.

    Sometimes, putting yourself in her shoes is a BAD idea when the lashing is at its pique levels. Especially if she decides to grab the nearest blunt object and make her point further. By then, the call to introduce rationality into the confrontation goes out the window and it’s all about survival and protecting ones ‘self from harm.

  3. A woman abused you and your response was to go about eliminated the emotions that you felt were the cause of the abuse. May i ask how is this any different than an abuser telling the person they abused that they were the cause of it ?

  4. wellokaythen says:

    Extra points for difficulty if you can be present and actively listening while Mrs. Bobbitt cuts off your penis. To really put yourself in her shoes and transcend your judgmental voice in that moment is to really elevate one’s consciousness into a larger awareness of your place in that relationship. Like all things, pain is impermanent. Blood does not flow forever.

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