This is a comment by Archy on the post “Why Do Married Men Watch Porn?“
No one has the right to control another person’s fantasies, the core of my message isn’t to say which side is right or wrong, it’s that each individual couple/relationship has to work out it’s own boundaries. I try not to judge people, I try hard not to judge people and accept them for who they are, I try not to care if they are 40 and date 20, why should I care?
If a 40 year old is looking at porn of a 20 year old whilst dating a 40 year old woman, yeah I can see how that can affect the woman, I’m not saying he is right or wrong in doing that, it’s up to them to work it out.
Do you think men don’t have insecurities of their own? I’ve seen plenty of women with romance novels of men that their husbands could never be, tales of action and intrigue, perfectly chiseled muscles adorning the cover image where the husband looks nothing like them. Do you also think that material is bad too or is it just porn?
Did you read the comments on this website of men who were left with very little sex, who’s needs weren’t met and pretty much have to masturbate to feel any intimacy? Do you think these men feel loved when their partners don’t even feel like having sex with them that they have to make love with their hand instead just to feel something? I don’t think you care, I’m not sure how many women actually care.
But what we all need to do is ask whether the messages we take from such mediums is actually correct. Is your partner looking at porn because that actress is more beautiful, or was it just the first thing he found? Is it because she’s 20, or is it because it’s a certain role play? Some of us actually like to think back to our past, a way to relive our youth, I fantasize over missed opportunities in highschool as a way to wonder what it would have been like if I was dating back then. Doesn’t at all mean I want to date someone young now, but it’s just a way to remember the past in a better way than the highly negative way I remember it. To think of old crushes, n desires.
I’m not trying to dismiss your experiences, I am ASKING you (and everyone else) to think and see if there was anything you missed, asking you to talk to your partner and find out WHY he wants to look at it.
I don’t mind if you don’t like porn, I don’t want you to like it if you don’t want to, I don’t want you to feel shame over it. What I object to though is your major generalizations of the entire genre, your comments have a tone that treats most men as watching highly degrading and even violent pornography whilst plenty of comments here prove you wrong. When I say I want you to open your eyes, I mean I want you to notice the people here talkin about the porn they look at, I want you to realize that yes there is bad porn but there is also a lot of good porn that isn’t violent or degrading and that many of us just want to see sex in a form that both the man and woman both benefit, both enjoy, both feel pleasure.
“You care about not only shaming women for not liking porn, but actaully shaming them for being bothered by the messages men indirectly send to women about their interest in women vs what a real woman may be, age and changes to the body and all.”
Why do you say “real woman” as if the women in porn are not real? I have had female friends who’ve sexted me, they’re real, I care a lot about what they think. Do you care about what men think? You have a very anti-porn stance which takes a portion of the porn which is highly negative and then try to assert it is representative of the genre 9 out of 10 times. I feel as if you are actively trying to shame me and others who look at porn because of your own experiences, as if we do not care about women and do not respect them. But I’m sorry to say but what you think I and other men think and do, and what we really think and do are probably worlds apart.
Why is it only certain women feel this shame and others are fine with their partners watching porn? Why do only certain women get these messages? Which women’s experience is correct and to be held as a standard? Some women get a negative experience, others get a positive experience, and whilst I do feel for those who have a negative experience with porn, what right do they have to assert porn is negative in a generalized sense when others find it ok? This is why I ask people to focus on which parts are bad, not all is good, and not all is bad. You’re generalizing men based on what exactly? That some like to look at younger women? You’re treating men and women as monoliths, men wanting younger women with better bodies, and the women as old hens that just have to accept it. Don’t you see how absolutely offensive that is to men? It’s pretty much saying I don’t respect my partners and just want younger women with better bodies. How do you know what I want? Or what all men want?
Photo credit: Flickr / Lara Mercer Photography
A very good and thoughtful comment, Archy. Thank you.
I would like to add that “control freaks” are often somehow mentally disturbed people.
No healthy person feels the urgent and desperate need to control the world’s behaviour.
Instead of projecting their discomfort outside, they’d better investigate their own inner issues, fear, suffering. 😕
But, alas, blaming is so MUCH easier and gratifying…
I don’t mind when people say how porn makes them feel, if it’s insecure etc, but when they start going into the mass generalizations to paint the entire medium as negative, bad, degrading etc it tends to annoy me. I think both sides have valid complaints and thus they need to discuss it with each other, but at the end of the day neither has the right to control the other in what they view. If the other doesn’t like it, then they need to somehow get past it, figure out a compromise, or maybe find someone more compatible with… Read more »
It’s late spring/early summer and on a warm day like yesterday the young women are out in droves in shorts and summer dresses. Or at the beach, in bikinis. And they are all a sight to behold. What I wouldn’t give to be that age again and pursue them? It would be rude to look too much when I’m walking with my wife. So I don’t. It would be rude to leer, so I don’t. But one must admit most men’s eyes are more drawn to youth and beauty. And women’s too, no doubt? If it’s ok on the street,… Read more »
You masturbate going uphill?
Spose that is one way to deal with the pain:P
Why do men, married or otherwise watch porn? For the same reason we climb mountains.