“I have had several close non-sexual non-romantic relationships with women. How could you just rule out half the population?”

This is a comment by Bob on the post “Is Gender a Curse on Platonic Friendship?“.

We all have different opinions on the “When Harry Met Sally” debate. Have you had platonic relationships with women throughout your life? Are we all destined to be attracted to each other? Or is there true friendship available that we’ve all ignored?

I have had several close non-sexual non-romantic relationships with women, a few that are whole life long, as deep as any friendship I’ve ever had. Only rarely has sexual chemistry gotten in the way, and it has never ended anything. If it happens, you just acknowledge it in yourself and move on. Focus on what is real and what you share, not your fantasies. But most of the time it is just not an issue.

As far as the “she’s dating someone new” aspect goes or the “she’s married so now it’s different part” goes, I have found it in most if not all cases easier to make new friendships with women who are attached or married (especially when I was married) because it takes the whole issue of competition right off the table. I am not going to fuck up a good friend’s marriage or relationship! Or my own! This makes platonic intimacy easier to come by, not harder.

For the life of me I can’t understand how one could rule out for friendship half the people you meet in life. What purpose does that serve?

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Comments

  1. I agree 100%

  2. I too agree with you 100% but in my case I have platonic, close relationships with some of my male friends and a few have been part of my life for over 15 years now…

  3. I am a married male, married 8 years, my wife has a number of single male friends. In fact most of her friends are male. I am ok with her having male friends. But it makes me uncomfortable when she spends time with them without me. And most of her male friends are her friends which I am not a part of. I trust her, and love her deeply. But I have seen these friends make comments towards her that make me uncomfortable with this. Am I being overly jealous? I have my kids every other weekend and I go through this every time because she does her thing on the weekend when I have the children.

    • Nick, mostly says:

      I suppose it depends on what the comments are. Something like, “why are you still with that loser? Let’s go back to my place and bang” would be reasonable cause for concern. Not necessarily jealousy though, more questioning your wife’s judgement about who she counts among her friends.

  4. I find the idea that we can only have real friendships with people of our own gender tired and silly. I simply do not see the problem. My wife has plenty of male friends – so what? I have female friends – so? These are friends, not lovers. If your partner having a friends of the same gender as you is such a big deal, maybe you do not have the right partner? If there such a low level of trust, something must be amiss.

  5. Paul: It seems to me that if one is in a mongamous relationship,especially a marriage, one has right to expect transprancy from one’s partner.The primary relationship must be the most important and all others revolve more or less around the marriage. It would cause me problems if I was at home on the weekends taking care of the kids while my wife was out with singlemen. This would be even more true, if I wasn’t allowed to be a part of the relationships she was having with these men.Are you allowed the same privilege?

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