“I WILL change my masculine frame for ME because it is who I want to be.”


This is a comment by Steve Horsmon on the post “How Do Men Think About Sex?

Steve Horsmon said:

Yes, I agree. FEAR is the #1 reason that men refuse or resist the process of changing themselves to be the man they are meant to be.

They are afraid of her reaction, afraid of an unknown future, afraid of never having sex again, afraid of their own uncertainty about who they are and where they stand. A man MUST resolve these fear issues by getting absolute CLARITY on who he WILL become no matter what she chooses to do. He needs to understand that once he get this, his good IS coming regardless of her reactions.

Sexual “incompatibility” is very often disguised as an incompatibility of a man’s actions with his desired masculinity. Wives can be more sexual when he changes this. This was true in my marriage and dozens of men I work with. We have to understand and admit that most of us need to improve our masculine attractiveness to change her perception of our sexual value. Make NO MISTAKE – she IS sexual and does fantasize! It is YOU who has not figured out how she wants to get there with you. No time now to go into all that.

I don’t know if Dan Savage talks about this, but a man has a lot of work to do if he is to OWN the romance department and lead his wife there. He can’t simply say, “oh, she doesn’t want sex so I will have to leave” esp. when the issue has mostly to do with HIM.

I agree on the myth buster comment. However, it is much more useful for men to talk about the TRUTHs about sexuality and their expectations when trying to figure out our role and our values.

For example:

  1. Marriage IS a sexual and intimate relationship
  2. My wife IS a sexual person
  3. I am a sexual person
  4. I WILL have a fulfilling sexual life
  5. I CAN be a better, more attractive man to my wife
  6. I AM responsible for much of how my wife REACTS to me
  7. I WILL change my masculine frame for ME because it is who I want to be
  8. I WILL NOT take my current weaknesses as a man and husband into another relationship
  9. My wife needs and deserves more from me than I have been giving
  10. I can change for ME first and then her. I deserve a happier, more respectful, and more passionate marriage 

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  1. “…especially when the issue has to do with HIM….”

    Brilliant statement…! There were several times and various approaches I would try to get my husband’s attention on an important matter… And I would get blown off or ignored or dismissed… Even worse his drunken friend was always there in between us and dissing me, too….recently, my husband finally apologized and admitted how self-absorbed and wrong he was…he kept claiming that he didn’t know (and I was pointing out what he and his friend were doing all the time…) …I guess he feels remorseful because I am about to go in for a procedure… I suppose several years too late is better than never….

    • Hi Leia,
      Thanks. This is exactly the point where you can “make or break” his desire to change. I know it’s hard, but YOU have to step up now and accept each and every effort he makes. Testing, waiting, judging him is not helpful. Yes, he’s late. Aren’t we all. Good luck. Love him and let him love you. And call him out if it goes backwards.

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