This comment was by Julie Gillis on the post Men and Their Inner Goat, in response to Mike L.
I’ll speak idealistically here, but if men and women both could see the sex drive as similar in its dynamic as a hunger drive, perhaps we’d not be so hard on each other. Some people eat a lot. Some people don’t have a big appetite. But the ones who aren’t hungry would never say to the spouse, “You can’t eat, I”m not hungry, I won’t cook for you, I won’t dine out with you.”
I understand of course that food is quite different, both physically and culturally, but my point is this, why damn each other for our innate drives? I would never ask my husband only to eat my cooking, and if he read Saveur longing for French recipes, then I’d leave him.
Nor do I become angry if I know he has desires for images or fantasies. Our sex drives have waxed and waned over the years. I suspect that will continue. But we do seek the best for each other, and sex is a part of that.
For me, it’s the respect and communication that make the difference between a shut down or a “sex life” that spans decades and involves negotiation, discussions, feelings and understanding that each person in the couple is a singular person with differing desires.
And of course, how this winds up pragmatically is not as easy as it is to say.
Public domain image of Jack Sprat through PeriodPaper.com