This comment was by Julie Gillis on the post Men and Their Inner Goat, in response to Mike L.
I’ll speak idealistically here, but if men and women both could see the sex drive as similar in its dynamic as a hunger drive, perhaps we’d not be so hard on each other. Some people eat a lot. Some people don’t have a big appetite. But the ones who aren’t hungry would never say to the spouse, “You can’t eat, I”m not hungry, I won’t cook for you, I won’t dine out with you.”
I understand of course that food is quite different, both physically and culturally, but my point is this, why damn each other for our innate drives? I would never ask my husband only to eat my cooking, and if he read Saveur longing for French recipes, then I’d leave him.
Nor do I become angry if I know he has desires for images or fantasies. Our sex drives have waxed and waned over the years. I suspect that will continue. But we do seek the best for each other, and sex is a part of that.
For me, it’s the respect and communication that make the difference between a shut down or a “sex life” that spans decades and involves negotiation, discussions, feelings and understanding that each person in the couple is a singular person with differing desires.
And of course, how this winds up pragmatically is not as easy as it is to say.
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Public domain image of Jack Sprat through PeriodPaper.com
A lack of sex may not kill in the same way that a lack of food does, but it is an equally strong urge. The fact that the urge is not as “justified” is an entirely arbitrary distinction in the first place. And in the moment-to-moment crush and press of life, it’s not a very meaningful distinction either. By the way, I sure hope those who are dismissing the need for sex as less important than the need for food don’t eat more than the absolute minimum calories required to sustain their bodily function That would be hypocrisy. I assume… Read more »
I’m curious why you read an obligation into the idea of your partner deserving sex. Do you make a distinction between your partner deserving sex and your partner deserving sex from you? Even then, that question seems to me a bit odd, like asking if someone deserves cake in their relationship. Who even needs cake? I can think of a few ways to reframe the question that makes it less certain. Does your partner deserve to have a happy sex life? Does your partner deserve to not have a frustrated sex life? Does your partner deserve to be sexually dissatisfied?… Read more »
That comment was in response to Devon – not sure why it didn’t link up properly.
I’m not sure I buy the analogy between hunger and sex drive, if only because one of those two things necessarily involves the participation of another person. I would never deny a spouse the right to masturbate, but just because we’re married, doesn’t mean that my spouse gets automatic and unquestioned access to my body. I have a very low sex drive, and, for me, it’s not simply a matter of “giving my partner what he wants.” Having sex when I am not mentally or emotionally desiring it can be a very damaging experience for me. Has this lead to… Read more »
@ Devon, then it should be excepted if he finds a little action else where.
A wise elderly lady married for over 60 years once said:
“If you can’t offer your husband 6 minutes a few times a week, you shouldn’t be married”
“If you can’t offer your husband 6 minutes a few times a week, you shouldn’t be married”
How wise! 😯
(it’s true with gender reversed as well, of course)
I wonder how many people live marriage thinking only about what they’re getting, and not what they’re giving… 😕
To you Mydaed : ” A wise man once said “If you can’t give your woman 5 minutes of foreplay or 5 minutes a day, of chat time, then you should not be married.”
5 minutes of foreplay? Sounds easy. Some make it sound like you need 2 hours of foreplay, the stars to align, the weather perfect and the right time just to have fun with a woman. 😛
I know many women who follow a similiar mindset when married. Some gritted and beared it, some just laid there, some said hurry up and get it over with. They made sure to do their offer, obligation, or duty. They are no longer married because their husbands despised their offer. Seems many guys dislike when women treat sex as a duty they dislike despite believing sex is a duty that shouldn’t be denied without good reason (implying consent/desire isn’t a good reason). I guess whether she genuinely wants sex doesn’t matter only that she doesn’t show her dislike during. I’m… Read more »
Jean, Yes, and if only it lasted minutes. These days, all we hear on TV/internet ads are those darn ‘would you like to last longer in bedroom?” ads. Not all women (or maybe men?) want it to last that long. And I’m 100% with Devon. I too have a low sex drive and see nothing particularly wrong with this. Not everyone has a raging urge to bonk and I’m a little sick of the idea that low libido is a ‘problem’. Before I get criticized, know that I’ve been happily married 18 years. He is adorable and we enjoy many… Read more »
I think a lot of the reason that so many women dismiss or disrespect the male sex drive is because very few women ever face actual scarcity. To use the food analogy, women are living in a grocery store; whenever the urge to snack hits, they can satisfy it immediately. High-quality, low-quality, the point is that they never have to worry about where to find food or how to get access to it.
Most men, meanwhile, are living under a bridge. When you’re hungry… too damn bad, get a job or go out and beg for awhile.
This is exactly right. Women, in general, can pick and choose from a variety of men, whereas men in general are made to present their cases to women.
I wonder if this fact was the reason some societies became polygamous? No idea, just throwing that out there.
That’s so wrong and such a typical sexist attitude toward women and their ability to find sexual partners. You are confusing “women, in general” with “attractive women.” This attitude completely ignores the women that you see as less-than-women, who are not desired in the same way and do not fit into your grocery store analogy. It seems that many men feel that they “deserve” the best, most attractive women to have sex with, but that women should settle for “good” or “average” men. What about the women who these men aren’t interested in “presenting their cases to?” Using the grocery… Read more »
@MP: “Men judge women by appearance as either sexually desirable or not” You seem forgetting that many (if not most) women do exactly the same about men: they judge looks. PLUS, women judge men for their money (or lack of it); something most men don’t care about women. So, who is the most judging? 😉 Truth is, “ugly” looking people have a hard time, regardless of their gender. 🙁 Having said that, a woman asking “Would like to have sex with me?” will likely hear a “Yes!” soon (even if she’s not pretty)… A (not gorgeous) man asking the same… Read more »
@Valter, you’re right, women do judge on appearance as well. However, research has shown that women tend to be much less harsh when judging physical appearance. (I don’t have the exact sources to cite but a quick google search should do the trick if you want to read up on it) You make a very good point though about “ugly” people in general having a harder time; but, it is easy to forget that “ugly” women face rejection and are having a hard time, just as “ugly” men are. Your last point, however, also fails to address the social pressures… Read more »
@MP: “research has shown that women tend to be much less harsh when judging physical appearance” I wonder if that’s what they SAY, or what they DO. 🙄 In fact, women – on average – are quite harsh when judging themselves and other women; so I don’t think they are much softer when it’s about men. They would SAY they are softer, of course (nobody likes to appear cruel). @MP: “women are not as sexually free and perpetually satiated as you suggest” I never said that. I said that, on average, they have more chances to “score” then men. Who… Read more »
You know, looks only count for so much. I can’t speak for the men, but I do know that for alot of women (at least those I know in my specific geographic location and age group and country-specific cultural values) attractiveness of our male counterparts in a combination of looks and personality. In all my years, I never got the bad-boy thing, nor have I really been big on men who had money. I’m not going to B.S. you and say looks have no relation to attraction, but give men a man who is kind, has humility and who is… Read more »
You know why men’s sexuality is getting more shame……. because, men have a stronger sex drive than women, whether you all will agree or not, it’s true. And…. men try to make women feel guilty because women’s desire for sex is not the same as the man’s. Women get tired of hearing the word sex all the time. It is overkill and over-rated for us. You know how you all dislike sharing feelings, right? You know how you all hate it when you say we nag you about something we want you to do around the house, that is important… Read more »
Noting that there is a lot of generalizing in this comment. Please try to focus on specifics or use qualifiers.
Is there not generalizations flying all day long about women, that we allow?Let me know if I am not correct. It seems as long as the males make generalizations about women, it is okay.
We note when threads are reaching those points on all sides, Jean. But if you keep generalizing, you’ll be moderated. Just like anyone else coming in disparaging women, or men, or trans, or gay, or bi, or race related issues.
It’s not ok when anyone uses them heavily. Your comment comes across as misandrist which is probably not what you intended.
Pardon me, but I make some kick-ass brownies. All the same, I don’t forbid my partner from eating someone else’s brownies, just as I don’t forbid her from anything else she might want. By the way, just in case you weren’t aware, you don’t speak for all women. At first I thought there was a slim possibility that you had been elected spokesperson for the double-x set, but no, in fact, that position doesn’t exist. As such, I presume you are speaking from personal experience and not as the collective voice of women. If you’re feeling harangued to have sex… Read more »
“You know why men’s sexuality is getting more shame……. because, men have a stronger sex drive than women, whether you all will agree or not, it’s true.” It’s certainly true, in a general sense but I’m not sure why that’s a valid reason for men’s sexuality to be “getting more shame.” Should the sky “get shame” for being blue? Should water be ashamed of being wet? “And…. men try to make women feel guilty because women’s desire for sex is not the same as the man’s.” You don’t say! You know, “women” (as in a vaguely unidentifiable quantity) make “men”… Read more »
The fact that you introduce other considerations like societal reaction, reputation, and self-worth is itself proof that women fundamentally don’t have to worry about access to sex. They have the luxury of including other factors when weighing their choices, because sex will always be there whenever they want it.
Men, as a rule, do not have that same privilege.
“There are more factors involved than simply sexual willingness of the opposite sex.”
Yes, and calorie-counting and nutrition and freshness are considerations when it comes to food–but not when you’re starving to death.
Men dream and despair over the simple willingness of the opposite sex; women take it for granted and move on to more elite choices.
Why persist with this gender binary? There are women who despair as well. And there are women you wouldn’t touch. What MP points out is simply this. Taking your grocery store analogy, only attractive women are allowed into the grocery store, where they can pick ad choose among the men on offer. (As for the unattractive women and unsuccessful men? Sorry, there’s a bodega 2 miles away, on the other side of the tracks. Be certain to wear sturdy shoes.) Only before the attractive women are allowed into the store, they’re given a 2 hour lecture on how if they… Read more »
Precisely, Nick. There ARE women who despair, women who cannot have their sexual needs/wants willingly met.
Right on with the extension of the grocery store metaphor. There are few women who can have anyone they want. Even the very attractive ones have faced rejection at some point.
Ugly women can’t get the guys they want; ugly men can’t get anyone, period. You’re still skipping over the difference. Women are still living in the store. Sure, maybe only the lucky few enjoy the choicest meals; but the unattractive ones can still load up on junk food any time they feel like it. Bad sex is still not the same as NO sex. There’s an enormous gap between “I can’t get the ones I want” and “I can’t get anyone at ALL, EVER.” And the number of women who experience that deprivation is vanishingly small compared to the huge… Read more »
Not true, Copyleft…I’ve seen plenty of physically unsttractive men with women. The difference being the setlling that is done in those cases often surounds the string-age.
An ugly woman can still find someone to sleep with her, but has a hard time getting someone to stay with her. An ugly man can get sex, but usually has to fully engage in a relationship to get it.
@MP: A popular dating site (OK Cupid) published statistics a while back that showed that women using that site rated 80% of men as below average. Men were more lenient. Which suggest that at least in that context women judge men more harshly.
That study study showed that 2/3’s of men’s messages go to the top 1/3 of women aka the most attractive women.
While women have healthier message sending habits going to most ranges of attractiveness.
Women may be harsh on judging men but they still send messages to such guys while most guys only send messages to the most attractive women.
http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/your-looks-and-online-dating/
You didn’t read it very well huh? “As you can see from the gray line, women rate an incredible 80% of guys as worse-looking than medium. Very harsh. On the other hand, when it comes to actual messaging, women shift their expectations only just slightly ahead of the curve, which is a healthier pattern than guys’ pursuing the all-but-unattainable. But with the basic ratings so out-of-whack, the two curves together suggest some strange possibilities for the female thought process, the most salient of which is that the average-looking woman has convinced herself that the vast majority of males aren’t good… Read more »
Apparently you didn’t read it very well. Apparently you didn’t read what you quoted. “On the other hand, when it comes to actual messaging, women shift their expectations only just slightly ahead of the curve, which is a healthier pattern than guys’ pursuing the all-but-unattainable. ” What you quoted actually supports my statement that women have healthier message sending than men. Women may be harsh on judging men but they still send messages to such guys while most guys only send messages to the most attractive women. That study showed that 2/3′s of men’s messages go to the top 1/3… Read more »
Eh fair point, just wokeup and misread it, apologies. When they say about the message sending, do they mean the women initiated conversations first or does that also include replies?
Seems like you didn’t read it rather than you misread it as if you had read it you would have the answer to your question.
That answer being the women initated the conversations first.
Wonderful MP, well said!! This comment explains the confusion, that so many on this blog may have. You really told the truth. Men don’t want women to be picky, but they indeed are very picky, as we can often hear them say “Wow, she’s hot, I sure would like to get next to her.” If they would stop having these picky attitudes about women’s physical traits, then they could have all the sex they want. There are many decent, clean, ordinary looking women, who are not considered hotties, who say, “Why won’t he look my way?”
@Jean: “If they would stop having these picky attitudes about women’s physical traits, then they could have all the sex they want.”
Baloney. And this speak volumes about your scarce knowledge of your own gender.
Oftentimes, not-pretty girls are the ones going after the handsomest guys (for compensation of their own insecurities, maybe).
They are not waiting to be picked up by average men who “settle” for them…
unless they’re really desperate. 😉
There are no men who “could have all the sex they want”; even the handsomest and the richest face rejection.
Everything you said could be flipped between the genders. There are quite a few average girls and guys that have a hard time getting attention from the opposite sex. Do those women who say “why won’t he look my way” actually look his way and initiate, hit on the guys? Do they ask the guys out or do they expect the guys to do it all?
I have a very strong sex drive (as I think I posted in comments to the original article), but I should also note that I went through a period in my 30’s where I was celibate for quite a long time due to some personal issues. It is possible to adapt psychologically to a sexless lifestyle, although it’s lonely and not much fun.
I think the point being made is that everyone is different. Meaning everyone has different needs. For some people the level that they desire sex is as strong as if they are starving. I can’t say I’ve gotten to quite that point in desire, but I’ve gotten close. I don’t feel I have a generally high sex drive. Twice a week would be good for me. I just wonder if I can have such strong urges, others must be suffering much, much more. If men and women weren’t condemned for stepping out of the relationship once in a while, relationships… Read more »
A lot of people destroy themselves with food, and I think it a lot of people would agree that many out there should curb their appetite for food. However, when people compare food hunger and sex hunger, the gist I get is that this is the reason people should NOT temper their sex drives.
(No, I’m not saying that people shouldn’t have sex or enjoy sex, I know someone will interpret my comment like that.)
Sex is NOT a hierarchical need.
Women have suffered for hundreds and maybe thousands of years, when their man did not want to talk, share feelings, be cuddly, shop, etc. Women have needs and for a long time, we put our feelings aside. We would grin and bear it. We did not go out and find another man to meet those emotional needs needs, that our man ignored. Women would suffer in silence, bearing babies, cooking, cleaning, going through cramps, hot flashes, girdles :), and all the other stuff. Now all of a sudden in this modern era, we as human beings, seem to think it… Read more »
Um….I don’t see evilness in encouraging men and women to communicate to each other their romantic and sexual desires. I don’t see evilness in realizing that often, but not always, men and women may have varying levels of desire.
I’m not quite sure how to address the rest of your comment.
Julie,You may be a little confused.You read something that I did not say.
You responded to my comment and included in your comment was “DO YOU ALL SEE THE UNFAIRNESS, THE EVILNESS, IN WHAT WE ARE DOING TO WOMEN?” If that was not directed to me, please let me know.
Julie, how in the world did you perceive this comment as being only to you? The part of my comment that was in response to something you said was the part where I addressed sex as a need !! Then, once I made the sex need comment, I forgot about you, and went on to make my views known that have been on my mind long before I read your comment. My other writings were about my perception of this male-female situation, not addressed to you. Like I said, I forgot about you, since you are not the only one… Read more »
Simply because it was threaded in the list as responding to mine. Never mind then.
Ummmm, what? I see plenty of material both for and against your arguments. Material which wants men to open up more, men to close up more, women to desire more sex, women to desire less sex, it all depends who you listen to. Do you honestly think in all of history men have not put their needs aside for their partners ever? My friend and his partner had a child, no sex after birth for 6months and rarely after that, this is a guy that was VERY sexual. He put aside his “needs” because he knew she was going through… Read more »
I am 25 years old, a woman and single. Every month without fail. Say 2 or 3 days before my period I get HUNGRY for sex. If I get drunk on one of these days – I’ll try a booty call or on occasion, I’ve had a one night stand. Ive had a 4 year fairly healthy relationship and a 18 month train wreck, where my heart got broken. The 4 year I left by committing adultery, that was my way out, with the 18 month train wreck guy. Yuck. So over the last three years Ive been getting over… Read more »
Sounds like the hormones and sex drive are in overdrive to get you pregnant, which I am sure you’re aware of. There’s nothing wrong with having multiple partners but do remember to use protection since each additional partner is a new risk of STI’s, and of course contraceptives since I doubt you want a baby at the moment. 4 months is a good stretch, maybe invest in some sex toys and try the year of masturbation alone, that way you can still eat the breakfast menu without starving. Do you have a steady and trustworthy male friend whom you could… Read more »
Archy, that’s some mighty sound advice 🙂
Natty, most of us have been where you are, a lot of us will be where you are again. You need to figure out what you want. Don’t abstain because of social pressures (but do be aware that they exist), abstain if you decide it’s the best course of action to promote your well-being.
Thanks for the reply Archy. But….I find most of your reply patronising.Yes I use protection. Yes I own some dildos. Yes Ive been in therapy for 3 years now. I have had a few friends with benefits and the guy usually wants more after a while or I start to get confused…damn hormones. I didn’t ask for advice in those areas – enquired about the high level of my sex drive and I was also commenting that I could relate. I really DONT want anymore casual partners and would like a committed meaningful relationship now – but something seems to… Read more »
Natty, so where do you live and when is your next “time of the month?” I was thinking of swinging by 2-3 days before.
Sorry, I couldn’t resist. It’s just that sometimes I feel like I have those “times of the month” as well but never really thought of it that way.
Maybe men do have some kind of cycle – ? duno, interesting if they did.
I might just double check with my new therapist that all is ok and I’m not acting out some sexual prowness due to repressed sexual abuse…
My cycle is daily, latenight/early morning is when I am in heat. It’s quite annoying without a partner!
The sex drive can be a very powerful being!
“Was I wrong to try this? Shall I carry on? Any thoughts much appreciated…” They were my thoughts and I wasn’t trying to judge. I said the stuff about protection not to assume you don’t use it but simply to reinforce protection is good, and because this is an open site where others can view I posted advice for others who may be in that situation. I have no idea on your life so basically read the comment as a whole bunch of random advice that may or may not help you, or others that read it. If it read… Read more »
Hey Archy
The ‘was I wrong to try this’ was related to my attempt at celibacy. Ive now decided to stop this abstinence. Maybe another year. No worries, no need to apologise. I just find this subject very interesting and a little confusing right now. A meaningful relationship develops when yo least expect/the right time. Looking at comments about marriage, I am very scared that when I do finally settle down and have kids I’ll lose my sex drive that I am getting slightly frustrated with at the moment! my worse nightmare is a sexless marriage….please noooo
I have a feeling when love comes around it’ll stoke the fires n keep em burning for you. Sex is confusing for the best of us, my first few times left me so nervous that I panicked n withdrew from intimacy. It was like a major overload of human contact and my mind didn’t know how to take so much of it at the time, especially as it happened very quickly on meeting her and I was in my mid 20’s with very little human physical contact before that.
My marriage ended December, oh, he was a naughty boy! He was cheating all over at a time I was providing a sex feast catered to his requests. Unrepentant adultrery. So anyways I am surprised at my voracious appetite, with no ‘food’ supply I feel I am starving myself to insanity and beyond. I need sex, I am 31 it is crazy and unfair my ex killed our marriage and my sex life. I am dating again, I want to be remarried and have a child, I just deserve sex, too. I am a Christian on Christian Mingle, been celibate… Read more »
Where do you live approximately. I am sure there are many on here who are ready and willing. Or use plenty of fish. You will get 200 responses in 1 day if you post what you put above as your profile.
No one deserves sex. That is some disturbing logic. As for masturbation, by all means you are entitled to that because it involves no one else but you. But to say you deserve sex, no.
Please clarify your statement. Why on earth wouldn’t a person deserve to have a rich sexual life?
Bob-O, I think it’s clear from her earlier postings that Amber has some very strong feelings that are either poorly informed or poorly expressed.
As to Rachel’s statement I would offer this by way of clarification:
We all deserve to eat, but no one is obliged to feed us.
Why do many men say that a woman is either a man hater, angry at men, is poorly informed, or was hurt by a man, when they say sex is not important or not a need. why can’t men understand that many, many, women have other important needs, just as a man has a strong sexual needs. We must not scold women for not having strong sexual feelings all times of the day as men do. Women do enjoy sex, but sex to many, many, women is almost like “sharing feelings” is to men. You know hoaw a guy hates… Read more »
Why do many men say that a woman is either a man hater, angry at men, is poorly informed, or was hurt by a man, when they say sex is not important or not a need. Jean, first I would say that if a man were making a similar statement I would have leveled the exact same criticism. You might notice that Jamie is, by his account, a man and I have been just as critical of his statements as I was of Amber’s. Second, you are perpetuating the exact same gender-speak that I am most critical of. Men don’t… Read more »
I took her view as more along the lines of people shouldn’t just be entitled to a rich sexual life as you said. You don’t ‘deserve’ sex just because you exist. And if your actions have hurt people then you deserve sex less than others.
The parallel between need for sex and food is good, and pretty valid. As a matter of fact, the most basic needs are: air, food, sex, sleep (see Maslow’s pyramid of needs). Considering sex as “optional” is a monumental distortion created (mostly) by religions – and ignorance. Yet, this parallel cannot work, because humans attach heavy emotional baggage to sex. Truth is, in our society most people want to “possess their partner’s genitalia”: that’s what fidelity is about, in practical terms. Hence, even if a spouse is not interested in her/his partner’s genitalia (or body) anymore, he/she will likely freak… Read more »
Sex is not on his hierarchy of needs, or else this would be under physiological needs. I find the comparison to food a little troubling, as we absolutely NEED food to survive. Of course we need sex to continue our species, but as for physically surviving, sex is not a need by any stretch of the imagination. It is a want, a rather strong want/desire, but by no means a need. And I am not religious at all nor a prude. I’m just saying it is absolutely ridiculous to compare sex to food.
Plus, if sex were a need, those who are asexual would have died from not having sex. But if you don’t eat for years, yes, you’re going to die before even a month passes.
Personally, I think that the English language fails when it comes to discussing sex, and this is a perfect example. It isn’t just a want/desire for some people, because sexual frustration can cause all sorts of personal problems. It’s not just strictly a need in the sense you’re using the word, because as you say, people can physically survive without sex. Perhaps it’d be better to put a qualifier before the word ‘need.’ It could be described as a psychological need, or an emotional need…a need for intimacy. Also, a need that the majority of humans share but that some… Read more »
Well, I’m not comparing needs required for staying alive. I’m comparing hungers/drives and how our hungers and desires can vary. Like a metaphor, yes? It’s a way to look at the drive in a new way. But, I will say touch and companionship ARE required for humans to thrive. People go mad in solitary confinement. And touch is required for infants to survive, flat out. I think sex is a real need for human beings, as is play, touch and sensuality. To marry someone and then basically say, you never get to have sex again because I don’t feel like… Read more »
You are comparing hunger and sex. Some people see it as similar and some don’t. Sex isn’t a basic need for individual survival at all. It’s ridiculous to compare it. You weren’t talking about touch or anything you were talking about the sex drive. Some people go mad in solitary, but some thrive in it. Sex isn’t a need for individuals. Yes it is obviously a need for the race to survive but for the individual no. And touch being needed for an infant to survive has nothing to do with sex being needed for an adult to survive. Your… Read more »
I’m not comparing it as a apples to apples. Think metaphorically. Sex is a need. PErhaps a not life threatening need, but it is a strong and powerful drive. I know you disagree with me and you seem to have a very romantic view of love surpassing all, but sex can be a huge part of love. It can. I love love. I advocate for it. I also advocate for people being pragmatic about their needs. Humans bond and communicate through words, sex, touch, art and more. Imagine if you were with someone who was a great partner in every… Read more »
Pretty much it’s like saying we need our mobile phones to survive, or alcohol, or tv, or how a drug addict needs drugs to ‘survive’. Or since football is my passion, I need football to survive. But we don’t need any of these things to survive. Neither does an individual need sex like they need food.
Jamie, if sex wasn’t important and vital, then NO one would be worrying about it. And we wouldn’t have stories, poems, art, songs, conflicts about it since time began. It’s clearly waaaaaaaay more important than a cell phone.
You go on and don’t have sex, do have sex, it has no impact on me. You have my blessings to live your life the way you want, not that you need my blessings.
You seem entirely fixated on sex being completely unimportant, so why bother arguing with me?
I’m not saying it’s unimportant. I know it’s important. There’s a reason it’s important as well. But I’m saying comparing it to hunger is silly. Hunger represents a need for food and substinence which without we would be dead in a month. Yet there have been many people go without sex their whole lives and not had a problem. And yes I do believe love surpasses all, and those in sexless marriages when one of them has a very large sex drive while the other refuses to have sex have definitely married the wrong person. And It’s not that no… Read more »
“You could say she didn’t like me, but she was my best friend and talked to me every day, so I don’t see any reason other than her selfish sex life.” So first, I’m sorry you had such a bad experience. That being said, I think your analysis of what happened is a bit skewed. I mean I don’t know her, obviously, so yeah maybe she was being selfish. But I can talk about my own experiences…which is that I can be best friends with someone, and not want to sleep with them. Having a close friendship doesn’t mean you’re… Read more »
Why Would you assume I’d hurt someone?
This to me, ‘One of the reasons I have this view is because a girl I was hopelessly in love with decided she would rather sleep around than be with me, who at the time would have done literally anything for her. You could say she didn’t like me, but she was my best friend and talked to me every day, so I don’t see any reason other than her selfish sex life.” is the crux of the issue. You have had a heartbreaking experience and I can tell from your words that it has cut you deeply and in… Read more »
No sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I just said be careful not to, I don’t think you are the person that would. And HeatherN, i said that is one of the reasons I have that viewpoint. I understand she wasn’t attracted to me, but I don’t see the attraction of sleeping around rather than being with someone. I wouldn’t have been as upset if she liked someone else or got another boyfriend, it’s just she seemed to have no reason at the time and went back to her party lifestyle crap at uni and eventually got a boyfriend… Read more »
@Jamie P.: “I do think less of someone who might sleep around with people they don’t know when they have someone who loves them right there that they know well.” Jamie, the problem is that people do not behave rationally; they follow their drive and istincts, whatever it please them. Theoretically, it would be wiser mating with someone who love us, rather that someone who doesn’t. It also would be wiser eating healthy food rather that junk food; or reading a book instead of watching trash TV. Despite it being wiser, many people do not do that. 8) We (often)… Read more »
I didn’t think she did it to hurt me, I just really took it to heart. The things that really hurt is that she didn’t care that it hurt me. And then lying about it claiming she didn’t know.
Good point, though there do seem to be some people who choose talking on a cell phone to having sex. I don’t understand it myself, but I could maybe if the call is to a 900 number? (I guess no reason one can’t do both….)
ht tp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs “For the most part, physiological needs are obvious – they are the literal requirements for human survival. If these requirements are not met, the human body simply cannot continue to function. Air, water, and food are metabolic requirements for survival in all animals, including humans. Clothing and shelter provide necessary protection from the elements. The intensity of the human sexual instinct is shaped more by sexual competition than maintaining a birth rate adequate to survival of the species.” Sex is listed under physiological needs, it’s also a need for the race, not the individual. And I dunno about… Read more »
It’s so much fun when non-psychology types bring up Maslow. First, Amber, you are very much mistaken about sex not being among the drives. But really, the pyramid at Archy’s is an interpretation of Maslow. It’s important to realize that Maslow was not talking about what is needed to stay alive. When he categorized some of the needs as ‘physiological’ he was referring to a distinction between drives that originated in the body from those that were cognitive (and Maslow himself used the quotes around physiological). Maslow’s hierarchy is all about motivation. His paper, A Theory of Motivation, discussed organizing… Read more »
Thank you Nick, your words make Maslow theory much clearer and understandable.
And, at the same time, demonstrates even more it’s validity.
Then, anybody is free to deny it, but it’s beyond doubt that we are motivated by our needs, and some need take precedence onto others.
Nick says ” It’s so much fun when non-psychology types bring up Maslow” Gosh Nick, condescending much? Please tell me you are not a practicing clinical psychologist.