This is a comment by Julie Gillis on the post “Get the Sex You Want“.
Some who grew up in homes where sex was taboo or who are sky about expressing their sexual preference and desires publicly will turn to porn as an educational tool they can get to straight from their computers. Julie argues that porn is doing a poor job of actually educating people, though.
Julie Gillis said:
I think you’d be surprised at what happens in bedrooms. Very few people talk openly about what they experiment with. In my city alone there are several erotic shops and other groups that teach classes in all manner of things, including fisting, which if done properly can be a very mutually enjoyable (and even gentle and loving) experience for each partner. However, how fisting is shown in porn, is not what I’d call “done properly” unless the porn is lesbian porn about that very topic.
People feel extremely fearful of sharing their actual desires in public spaces. Some people desire the most vanilla of sex, one position etc. Others have different desires but unless you poll every woman you meet in a way designed to elicit a truthful response, you aren’t going to really know. They probably won’t tell you or they’ll say, “Oh hell no!” while knowing they aren’t being honest.
As I’ve said, my main issue (aside from the industrial model which is solely focused on making money) is that if modern porn is what is serving as erotic education, we are missing the mark in a big way. The difference between a fisting class and a fisting porn is 180 degrees. Or any porn and any class about how to do something more complicated. Porn doesn’t give instructions on safety and ethics because the producers currently think it would ruin the experience, porn is pure fantasy without all the complications.
But because there aren’t other resources to learn about safety (the “recipe” if you will), people just think porn is telling them how easy things should be. When really, it’s not easy at all.
Women might ask to be fisted if it looked on screen how it’s supposed to look. Or if they even knew about it and how it was supposed to look. Or if they had partners that could communicate as compassionately, playfully, and openly about sex as I wish the world could. Maybe they’d try it once and be like … eh … next! Or maybe it would be something they both liked.
You may not want these things in your life , but you make huge leaps about the rest of the world feels, or about the limits as to why people don’t ask or talk about what they might think about.
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Photo credit: Flickr / athomenetwork
As I’ve said, my main issue (aside from the industrial model which is solely focused on making money) is that if modern porn is what is serving as erotic education, we are missing the mark in a big way. The difference between a fisting class and a fisting porn is 180 degrees. Or any porn and any class about how to do something more complicated. Porn doesn’t give instructions on safety and ethics because the producers currently think it would ruin the experience, porn is pure fantasy without all the complications. Before remarking on good or ill of a job… Read more »
Couldn’t agree more
I guess I’d argue though that a cultures obsession with defining masculinity through sex or femininity through desirability helps lead to the problem. And combine that with lack of education and shame for both genders and there is a big problem.
True. Ultimately the problem is basing one’s manhood/womanhood on something like sex. Turn around and deny them education on that something (but punishing them for acting out of line or at worst rewarding bad behavior) and things go south real fast. Our gender identities are defined by sex but we are denied the necessary tools to fully understand sex. Let’s try that in other places. Cooks that are not taught how to use knives. Cops that are not taught how to use a gun. Candle makers that are not taught how to handle hot wax. Yeah that stuff would work… Read more »
I think there are a lot of people using porn for information by default. The vast majority of people watching porn understand on some level that it’s not meant to be realistic and that it’s make-believe. But, it may still be the only source of any information, and it’s hard to tell in isolation if something you see in porn is slightly unrealistic or totally unrealistic. Without any other sources of information, it’s hard to tell when it’s totally made-up and when it may be close to how people really behave. When you’re curious and there’s only one main source… Read more »
But IS porn being treated as education? or as entertainment?
I think it gets used as education by default. And it shouldn’t be because it’s supposed to be entertainment. Two totally different types of media.
Where the heck else does one get an education on sexing up one’s partner? It’s out there, but you have to look high and low for it. Parents won’t tell you. Schools won’t tell you. The church won’t tell you (imagine that!). No one else will tell you except for those sex positive hippies down in La la looney land and we don’t like or trust them. See the problem? So how do people learn? Porn. Why? Because it’s unashamedly about sex and it’s the most accessible thing that talks and shows something about sex. Personally, I think that parents… Read more »
“No one else will tell you except for those sex positive hippies down in La la looney land and we don’t like or trust them.”
Damn, that’s too bad. We’ve got a lot to teach.
Clearly a lot of people ARE listening to the la la loonies, if by that you are referring to Los Angeles. It’s the “L.A. loonies” deciding quite a bit about what you see on TV and in movies. Combine them with the “Manhattan madmen” and you’ve got a potent cultural force. The fact is that millions of Americans are already listening to them….