This is a comment by Collin on the post “Open Thread: What Would You Do If Your Son Were Being Bullied?“
“Well, as someone who was perpetually bullied from 1st grade to 8th grade, so much so that I would refuse to go to school, I have a unique and heavy handed perspective. I would tell my son to take the bully out. Bullies understand one thing. Force. If the bully is punching you, beat him over the head with a baseball bat. School administrators don’t do anything to prevent the bullying. They say, “Stop that, Shelby, you shouldn’t be punching him, shoving him, teasing and tormenting him. It isn’t very nice.” They don’t suspend or expel the child which is what they should be doing. First instant suspension second instance expulsion.
“It doesn’t matter what age. I would say escalate force to a considerably higher level. You only really need to do it once to make a point. If you get punched and poked and kicked and shoved every day but you throw the other kid into the wall and give them a concussion, they won’t mess with you again. Never would I let a child of mine suffer through the years and years and years of torment that I endured.”
Photo credit: Flickr / AngryJulieMonday
I’d be a bit wary with “escalation of force” as a blanket statement, since in my experience regarding bullies it more often than not goes both ways.
Esp since the bullier targeted you once probably means s/he is stronger/meaner/has less inhibitions (i.e. to foul fighting or using weapons) to begin with…
My dad was bullied, he punched the kid, he was never bothered by another kid. Heather, your sentiment is nice but as someone who has been bullied in the past 10 years and who the system failed utterly (I was blamed for the bulling because I as different) If the school has a zero tolerance policy like Druk said, then great end it that way. If focusing on the bully and his issues stops the bullying then great. (Tho in my experience bullies are either attention seekers who will revel in the attention or people trying to push themselves up… Read more »
It’s not just a ‘nice sentiment.’ For goodness sake people, I was bullied throughout the entirety of my adolescence (which was 10-15 years ago) and the school system totally and completely failed me too. Worse, I was ashamed so I hid it from my parents so they didn’t even know. I did a pretty good job hiding it too. I get it. Zero tolerance policies are a newer thing and they aren’t everywhere…but they are expanding and that should be the focus. And in places where there isn’t a zero tolerance policy, if you’re a parent, flipping fight for one.… Read more »
I don’t know how long you’ve been out of school, Colin, but Zero Tolerance policies are absolutely everywhere these days. If you make a complaint to the school as a parent, especially if you hint at a lawsuit, the bullying will end one way or another.
It is the only way to deal with a bully. You either make yourself look like a nice target or you make yourself someone that they don’t want to mess around with. It doesn’t matter if they need help or not; you are the one who is the victim of their actions. Might is right is the way it works in school. Unless we start expelling children for bullying, the only way to fix it is greater violence.
“It doesn’t matter if they need help or not; you are the one who is the victim of their actions.” It does matter, it just means the first priority is to make the bullying stop. Bullying isn’t a simple problem most of the time, like most social problems. It requires multiple steps to prevent and solve. The first is of course to stop whatever bullying is happening, and sometimes that means a school punishing a bully and sometimes that means expulsion, which is happening more and more now. But once that is done it’s important to follow up, to teach… Read more »
“So sorry you’re getting the snot kicked out of you, but we need to be worried about WHY the bully is beating you up.”
I most certainly did not say that…so to put that in quotes is really quite inaccurate. I also didn’t mean that in any way. I said the PRIORITY is to stop the bullying. That is the priority. Sometimes that means harsh punishments and expulsion for the bully. But even then, still gotta remember that a bully is a human being, and a child at that. So on top of stopping the bullying, it’s important to help bullies become better people, in only to prevent them from bullying again. Also, it’s a very narrow view of bullying that paints it as… Read more »
Collin, that’s not what she said. At all. 1) stop the bullying 2) attend to the bully-ee 3) attend to the child who is bullying and support a process that might help that kid move from growing up into a total asshole and also stop him from continuing bullying. Ideally? I’d make the parents come in for some counseling to see what’s going on in the family system that’s allowing their kid to harm others. I’m also, you may be surprised, of the victims fighting back if they aren’t getting support, but creating a situation where everyone in school is… Read more »
Supportive of victims fighting back……
I already commented on this in the original article, but I’d like to add that this sort of response totally fails to take into account the fact that the bully is actually just another child. Yeah sometimes they are just really mean people waiting to grow up. Sometimes, though, child bullies are suffering themselves and they’re acting out and need help.
Also, all this does is reinforce the idea that the stronger/meaner person is right. That’s not a good message to send to either child.