These are comments by Danny and John D on the post “The Dark Side of Women’s Requests of Progressive Men“.
Mark Greene originally said:
“Women have always had the role of being emotionally expressive but men have had the role of being the strong and stoic rock to cry on. Men are expected to be the ones who can bring order to a woman’s emotional chaos by tactfully guiding her to reflect on why she feels as she feels. Women are the emotionally expressive ones but men are the emotional nurturers.”
Danny said:
“I wonder if this could be a sign of some similar, ‘One side has been in this situation for so long now the other side is in it and it appears they don’t like it.’ Could it be that at least some women don’t want to be the strong and stoic rock to cry on?”
John D replied with:
“My wife essentially said this to me during my grieving period when my mother died. It wasn’t said out of meaness and was totally honest and she was just expressing a vulnerability. She said (something like) ‘I’m so tired of being the strong one, when I’m sad and need to cry too’ she said this in a plaintive voice as she broke into tears.
“I don’t begrudge her for saying it, and don’t think any worse of her. However, my mind can’t stop thinking about how dastardly I would appear to be if I said something similar during her grieving period for a parent.”
Photo credit: Flickr / West Point Public Affairs
About the Editors
Being open is a 2-way street. If you are open about your feelings, your partner may be open about their feelings too. There is no guarantee that they will like your feelings, or that you will like their feelings. If you are open and encourage openness in your partner, you have to be prepared for whatever feelings your sharing may bring up in each other. It is valid to seek support from your partner. It is also valid for your partner to feel upset, burdened and insecure as a result of what you are going through or what you disclosed. Hopefully you can both help each other.
The difference Sarah is being upset because of what exactly was said and being upset because something was said in the first place.
She doesn’t get to rag on me about not speaking up and then when I finally do she gets upset that I spoke up, regardless of what exactly was said.
It’s like this. If you ask someone a question and the answer they give you is something you don’t like there is a difference between.
“I’m upset about your answer.”
and
“I’m upset that you answered.”
It’s not even necessarily that I was talking about emotional back-and-forth or emotional nurturance necessarily, but the fact that we have different gender standards of acceptable behavior.
In many many instances, what is considered kind or appropriate behavior the bar is substantially lowered for women.
I also think that, when women call for “more emotional men”, what they really want is “more emotionally supportive men”, not men with their own emotional baggage which the women will have to address.
Many women seem to be getting really resentful at the explosive growth of men who refuse to be stoic and put demands upon women to be emotionally nurturing.
In this way, I think Danny totally nailed it. The expectation for men to be emotionally nurturing to women is mostly an *invisible* problem because it was a men’s issue.
Now that women are dealing with it too, we are beginning to hear about it.
I also think that, when women call for “more emotional men”, what they really want is “more emotionally supportive men”, not men with their own emotional baggage which the women will have to address.
Or in the event that they really mean they want men to be more emotionally open that request is under the strict condition that said openess is done on the terms of the women making these requests, while of course still wanting to have a totally open gate for their own emotionality.
In this way, I think Danny totally nailed it. The expectation for men to be emotionally nurturing to women is mostly an *invisible* problem because it was a men’s issue.
Pretty much.
I’m wondering if as long as men were expected to stay bottled up for the sake of women it was all okay but when men start opening up (regardless of what they are opening up about) it becomes inconvenient for women, thus now it’s a problem.
I’ve had several instances when the woman I was in a relationship with would encourage me to open up, then become angry, distant, etc. when I did. I understand that this is anecdotal, but what this has taught me is to keep an emotional distance in dating relationships.
It’s ironic, because I’m the man that others come to for counsel, support, etc. I’ve begun to feel that there is no support for me.
I’m now in a serious LTR, and I’m wrestling with the issue, “How much can I I open up to her?” I am working on it, but the verdict is still out.