These are comments by tgolden and James Nakamura on the post “The Man Behind the Mask“.
tgolden said:
“Excellent article and great poem. It is so important for people to realize the barrage of shame that men face. Women tend to overlook this since they, um, are not men and don’t face the same barrage. I do have a quibble with the article which said ‘As an adult, you choose who you want to be and how you want to live.’ I think it is very important to note that men continue to face this barrage as adults and breaking free from it is not a simple act and certainly not a simple choice. The powers that are holding men into an ‘independent at all costs’ stance are multi-causal and ever-present. Men deserve choice, but they first need to raise their awareness of the powers that are driving them into the mask.
“I think it is also worth noting that trying to force men into a feminine ‘emotional inquiry’ mode is often disrespectful of their nature and their unique skills in processing their emotions. Better for the therapist to learn more about men’s unique paths than to try and smash them into today’s feminine friendly theory about sharing emotions openly.”
James Nakamura added:
“Great stuff here. This is powerful truth that needs to be aired out. Shame is one of the most pervasive evils that suppresses men from fully integrating their feelings and thoughts. As you pointed out, it leaves us detached and lost inside. So many relationships could be saved if we would get out of this crappy mode of thinking that shame is the path to fixing us. It only brings out proper behavior without doing the proper inner healing that we so desperately need.”
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Very good points in this article.
Internal shame also expresses itself in what’s sometimes called “grandiosity,” which is when you puff yourself up and/or put others down as a way to make yourself one-up over someone else. It’s not necessarily about dominating someone else, but that can also part of it. Sometimes people respond to their own shame by trying to export it.
The evidence of deep shame is not just the obvious signs like being depressed, putting yourself down, or hiding away from the world. Shame is often there when a man seems to be arrogant on the surface, as if nothing could ever affect his ego whatsoever. That can be just a front for what is in reality deep shame underneath. Sometimes what we might call “shameless” behavior is actually a mask for someone who’s not shame LESS but shame FULL deep down.
Terry Real has written quite a bit about this in his books about male depression and marriage dynamics. (I think in his books he blames men a little too much and lets women off the hook a little too much, but I think he generally makes a lot of sense about where many men are coming from today.)
I have the impression that men on average give up talking about their feelings more easily than women do, on average. Even when men do begin to express their feelings, if they don’t get a receptive audience then they give up after a few tries. (“I tried it once, it didn’t work, she’s not listening, so I won’t even bother to try anymore.”)
Meanwhile, for whatever reason, when a woman tries to express her feelings and doesn’t get a good reception, she will keep trying again and again in a dozen different ways. (“What does it take to get through to him? I tried asking, I tried nagging, I tried yelling, I tried joking, I tried bargaining,….”) I don’t know if this means women tend to be braver or more desperate to share or more persistent or just handle rejection a little better or what.