This is a comment by Archy on the post “Can You Ever Really Make a Woman Feel Special?“
“So women are being raised to be entitled little princesses? That’s a great way to cause a huge amount of problems for them, and also the people that want to date them. How special do they have to be? I hope they realize the princess fairy tales usually involve her being extremely beautiful and rare as hell, and princesses are what, 0.0001% of the population or less? They’re fantasy.
“The fact he comes home to you every night and wants you should be special enough, if it isn’t then make it special together. Special to me is those men and women who sit by their partners side at the hospital freaking out hoping they’re okay, the ones that hurt because their partner is sad or injured, the ones that just wanna make life feel good for them, who work hard to try have a stable home, family, etc. Being the princess at a ball in a pretty dress isn’t special, if you want to feel special go dancing in a nice outfit with your partner. Our culture doesn’t really do the whole introduction to society stuff much anymore, or the ball/dance, hopefully women realize this and have adjusted their specialness meter.“
Photo credit: Flickr / Official U.S. Navy Imagery
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I should probably say I meant some women, not all in the first line.
Cinderella’s prince scoured the kingdom to find the woman whose foot fit the glass slipper.
Rapunzel’s prince saved her from a life of imprisonment.
Jasmine’s prince helped her escape a stifling life of royalty in captivity, showed her the world on a magic carpet, and saved her from drowning in sand.
Ariel’s prince fell in love with her even though she had no voice, and then killed the giant octopus-thing that was attacking her and her father with the bow of his ship.
Snow White’s prince brought her back from the dead.
The prevailing message behind all of this is not necessarily that these women were so special, but that a man in love will slay dragons, battle evil stepmothers and wicked sorcerers with annoying talking parrots, and otherwise risk everything to protect or rescue the woman he loves. No obstacle is too great for LOVE to overcome. (And we see this is non-princess stories, too – Braveheart – William Wallace and whatsherface? The Matrix – Neo and Trinity?)
The women who take such messages to heart – well, the “hopeless” in “hopeless romantic” really applies to them. Unconditional love is what a parent feels for a child, or what a dog feels for its master, but it’s so rare in actual romantic relationships. Everyone has conditions, and dealbreakers, and limits. A man who loves you will act to save your life if he can, but that doesn’t mean he’ll move mountains to suit your every mood and whim.
None of the princesses above were in long-term relationships with their men. Nearly all of them were love-at-first-sight scenarios. 10 years into a marriage and I can hear Eric say to an impatient Ariel, “I risked my life and destroyed my ship – my livelihood – to kill this monstrous octopus-woman who was threatening you and your father, WHAT THE HELL MORE DO YOU WANT?”
So I feel bad for women who hang onto the unconditional prince and princess ideals as models for a healthy long-term relationship, and for the men who wind up with these women who are being held to impossible Disney standards of male-in-love behaviors. I get really annoyed when I hear other language that pedestalizes women – “goddess” and “diva” for example – coming from women and from media oriented at women! That’s women setting each other up for unhappiness, loneliness, dissatisfaction and disaster. Believing in the princess paradigm when you’re an adult looking for an adult relationship is just as delusionally and pointlessly optimistic as believing in Santa Claus.
Don’t forget Pretty Woman!
In fact, I’d go so far as to say that women who want a literary model for how relationships work are better off paying attention to Shakespeare’s comedies, like Much Ado About Nothing and A Midsummer Night’s Dream, where things are sticky and complicated and people with romantic intentions are more often stepping on their own feet than progressing towards an ideal relationship. If you can look at stories like that and laugh, rather than look at princess stories and swoon, you’ll have a more realistic expectation for how things work in real relationships.
Yes, there is unconditional unwavering love. Watching a partner suffer, doing all you can to ease the pain, being there always, no matter how difficult, and always remembering the love and happiness they have brought into your life, grateful for the sharing—never questioning your love and loyalty- faithful till the end no matter how hard it is….and being their through it all never wavering….you are lucky if you have been honored enough to have this gift given you……