This is a comment by assman on the post “Into the Arms of My Lover … Sweet, Sweet Porn“.
“But if the porn is preferred over real sex (when there is a willing and sexual female/partner present) then really, that person has a very different sexual preference than what is the norm in a relationship.”
There aren’t men who prefer porn to a woman. Actually it makes me kind of angry to hear this. It would be like telling a poor person that they are poor because they just like the lifestyle. There are men who can’t get women. In that case porn is their only alternative. I know many men who consume porn and even prostitutes. All of them want a girlfriend. Porn is a incredibly bad substitute. You can’t hug or kiss porn.
And no man wants a fantasy relationship. I don’t know where this stuff comes from. Even the weird Japanese Otaku who have relationships with pillows only do it because they are so fed up with not having girlfriend that they don’t know what else to do. The porn, prostitutes, pillows, Real Dolls, Fleshlights, threats of Sex-Bots all come from men who are bitter, angry, lonely, depressed and have just given up. They feel like they have tried everything and they just don’t know what else to do. When your desires are strong and you have no way to fulfill them you become frustrated and this is what happens to you. I have been there before so I know exactly what they are thinking.
There is a way for women to understand this. Its basically identical to being well-qualified, applying repeatedly to jobs and never getting anything in large part because you have never been employed before. It can leave you angry, bitter, depressed and plain dejected. Many women can understand this situation.
Photo credit: Flickr / Andrew Currie
About the Editors
It’s pretty ridiculous to believe that men who aren’t in relationship can’t get them, but it’s not surprising since it’s the mindset that many people have.
There are men and woman who in fact don’t care for relationships.
Relationships aren’t the end all, be all.
There are men who aren’t in relationships who don’t want them, but this article isn’t surprising since it’s the mindset that many people have.
There are men and woman who in fact don’t care for relationships.
Relationships aren’t the end all, be all.
Hmmmm. I do agree with you that men who have been unsuccessful in getting women are more likely to prefer porn, prostitutes, etc.
I think we have to consider the facts. Nearly one-third of men are involuntarily celibate. They just can’t seem to get any. Why? Unattractive and unlikable by most women. So, there is room for improvement in this area. However, these men need to make themselves at least attractive (not just physically). Most women find only a FEW men likable and attractive.
But nothing beats the real thing!
Where does that statistic come from? 1/3 of men are involuntarily celibate? Wouldn’t that mean 1/3 of women are celibate as well?
It seems to me that this shifts the blame all over to women. If only we weren’t so selective and rejecting of good men, then men wouldn’t have problems with porn. Which, quite frankly, is bullshit. I’ve met men who have problems with porn AND a girlfriend (or a ex-girlfriend who left them because of this problem). To say that porn is a problem because men can’t find a woman to date them is like saying an alcoholic has problem with alcohol because they can’t find water.
Agreed. I think there are actually a lot of men who do prefer porn to a relationship. That doesn’t mean they don’t want a relationship, in fantasy, but they have problems connecting with real women — so many problems, that porn is simpler. so in that sense they may prefer porn over the hard work of finding a relationship and making it work with a real person. The female equivalent, maybe, is a woman who sits at home reading romance novels and fantasizing about being swept off her feet by a hunky, mysterious man, and she feels bitter than men never ask her out, but she never goes anywhere or does anything to try to attract the kind of men she’s attracted to, or change her criteria to something more realistic.
“so in that sense they may prefer porn over the hard work of finding a relationship and making it work with a real person”
Or they work a 90 hour week and don’t have time, or they have a debilitating mental illness which means they can barely support friendships, let alone relationships, or they’re horribly disfigured and can’t get any dates, or they earn next to no money in a dead end job and can’t afford to go on a date…
There’s all kinds of reasons someone would like to be in a relationship that have nothing to do with not being bothered. I also agree that this isn’t a gendered thing.
there are many men who want a relationship but are rejected by men. This is a fact. deal with it.
rejected by women! thought I know some gay guys rejected by men too. oy.
Is this article making the argument that all men (whether in relationships or not) who use sex toys, porn etc only do so because of some dissatisfaction? I think it’s kind of hard to make those sort of generalizations and it seems a little unfair to the men. Are all women who use sex toys in the same category? Are sex toys (porn etc.) necessarily a replacement for a traditional relationship or is it something else entirely–to be appreciated on its own terms? Again, I think it is hard to make generalizations about human sexuality but–for instance–there are individuals who love objects rather than people not because they necessarily can’t obtain human sex partners but because they are objectum sexuals. I think that the assumption that the standard monogamous relationship is the ideal for everyone is a bit of a fallacy.
I do however appreciate the article’s effort in trying to de-stigmatize men who engaged in what are perceived as deviant sexual practices. (I think a big part of the problem is regarding those practices as deviant, people who engage in such practices shouldn’t need defending, in my opinion.) Yet I feel that the oversimplification does a disservice to the very men that it seeks to address. I love to buy sex toys for my boyfriend, not because I see it as a replacement for having sex with me but because it’s a new and different sexual experience for him. I have heard that there is some disapproval of men who use sleeves but I think it’s pretty ridiculous, especially given the greater acceptance accorded to women who use dildos.
There are men who prefer porn to a woman, and here are but a few examples. (None of these are unique to men, but in keeping with the post I will only comment on men for the moment.)
1) Many gay men will prefer porn to a woman for the simple reason that they are not attracted to women. They might not prefer porn to a man, though.
2) There are asexual men, some of whom enjoy porn.
3) Men who view themselves negatively may prefer porn to being naked in front of another person.
4) Men who have suffered a psychological trauma may have flashbacks or anxiety attacks in a real sexual situation that they may not feel with porn.
Need I go on?
There are also, however, many men who would prefer a real relationship with a woman, but can’t find a partner for whatever reason (maybe they’re physically unattractive, maybe they’re living in an area of China where there are significantly more men than women, maybe they’re a member of a religious or racial minority in an area or culture where that severely restricts their options, or any number of other things) and use porn as a second choice.
There are also many men who use porn as a means of satisfying their sex drive when there is an imbalance between theirs and their partner’s. There are also many couples who use porn together and/or separately. There are men who use porn to indulge a fantasy which is impossible in the real world.
The biggest problem with porn is the fact that it is stigmatized.
I am the original poster (quoted at the top).
What this commenter has neglected to address is a key point in the selected quote: “when there is a willing and sexual female/partner present”
He states, “When your desires are strong and you have no way to fulfill them you become frustrated and this is what happens to you. I have been there before so I know exactly what they are thinking.”
Which doesn’t line up with my statement about a willing and sexual partner present. Meaning a partner who has *tried everything.* who has long been the initiator. Who has offered to dress up, do role play, watch porn herself, act out fantasies, wear wigs, don’t wear wigs, pretty much DO anything…
and her partner continues to choose late-night porn sessions in a significantly higher ratio than he’s choosing to have sex with her. (4x a week jerking off to porn. Sex once a month, and at the woman’s prompting)
My guess is this original poster will go further and make the assumption the woman must be a shrew. Nagging all the time. Or a complete bitch. That he doesn’t want to have sex with her because he doesn’t find her attractive in other ways.
MOD EDIT: Please avoid attacking other posters like this. If they make such an accusation, fair enough, but if they don’t it’s unreasonable to create unflattering strawmen.
ANd that would be the wrong assumption. He tells her loves her, adores her. They laugh every day. She does laundry and things without complaint. They share a life together, she tries her best to support him in all ways, to encourage his dreams, to let him be the man he wants to be.
But he doesn’t want her.
He prefers the fantasies.
Such men exist. I married one. And he’s been this way since day 1. (yes, even in the honeymoon/exciting period).
So, once again there’s really no problem for men. They can get relationships if they want. They just prefer not to. Another non-problem addressed. Nice work. Back to the people with real problems, women… Ironically their main problem is…wait for it…men.
I’m not convinced: I’m sure there are men out there who prefer sexual gratification through porn, just like many women prefer their own hand or sex toys or erotic lit (or porn). And there’s nothing wrong with any of that, but if it goes to the point where you’re denying your sexual partner sex then it’s a bit mean.