This is a comment by elementary_watson on the post “How Did I Miss This Article?“
“I guess the problem of boring sex is in a way analoguous to boredem at a rock concert: If the audience is bored, the band sucks; if the band is bored, the band sucks. Is it problematic to see the man as the performer and the woman as the ‘audience’ when it comes to heterosexual sex? Yeah, it sure is, but it is unfortunately quite a common view, among women and men.
“Back to porn: I’ve heard the complaint/observation that apparently, many young men are trying to reenact porn they’ve seen instead of trying to have sex driven by their and their partner’s authentic individual sexual desires. My guess is that in times long gone by, virginal men tended to be more clueless about the hows and whats and wheres of sex and female genitalia when having sex for the first time, while virginal men today mostly know all the mechanical ins and outs of sexual intercourse and can rattle off 3 dozen different positions.
“Both kinds of men will feel like they ought to be knowing what they’re doing when losing their virginity, and both of their situations have different advantages and disadvantages for both of the partners. One situation is like having someone who has never done or even seen impro theatre improvising on stage, the other situation is like having someone who has never acted reading out a monologue he never read before on the stage—both experiences will most likely be cringeworthy, for some reasons that are the same and for some reasons that differ wildly in both cases.
“Another thought about men focussing on their own pleasure: there is a huge expectation of men to orgasm when having sex (even here on NSWATM, you will find the assumption that of course, men orgasm at the end of sex). I know that I have been less considerate and caressing and caring about my partners pleasures, more focused on my own orgasm, when I sometimes felt that my penis was about to go too limp to continue and I should make an effort to orgasm soon (when knowing that my partner feels like she (or I) was doing something ‘wrong’ when I don’t come during sex), or after she told me she wanted me to come.
“Actually, personally, I’m far more into my partner’s pleasure and orgasms, and enjoy the tender soft sultry kind of sex which doesn’t bring me to orgasm far more than the wild ride at the end, but I know some women were irritated by me not coming (even going so far as considering a dysfunction).
“Not that there aren’t men out there who don’t care about their partner’s pleasure, but I just wanted to highlight another aspect of men focusing on their own orgasms. ”
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For a while after I lost my viginit I found myself completely unable to orgasm in the presence of women. I regained the ability when I came to terms with the circumstances when I lost my virginity.
Anyway, I soon discovered as Elementary_Watson did that a man not orgasming became a big thing. It always ended in some sort of drama where I either would have accusations of gayness directed at me or I would end up having to comfort and console my partner and re-iterating that there wasn’t anything the matter with them. I quickly learned to avoid all this by faking an orgasm.
Although I have some sympathy with them regarding how the notion that men always orgasm made them question themselves or lash out when a man didn’t, I am also very aware that the same notions are the reasons why the woman who took my virginty while I was asleep didn’t see the need to get my consent.
Sometimes my SO doesn’t orgasm. I want him to orgasm because I think he feels bad if he doesn’t, and I don’t want him to feel bad after sex. I do like the feeling and look of him orgasming, but it doesn’t ruin the experience for me if it doesn’t happen. I never worry about the functionality of his parts, only about his emotional state. I’m not really sure what to say yet to make him worry less, but that’s what I would like. If he never worried about it, I wouldn’t either.
Hi Folks!
I’ve been with women who were worried about my not ejaculating but I did work out a solution for this. Firstly; I have adopted a policy that the lady always comes first. Cunnilingus is a really handy thing to be willing to perform and, ya, it is an acquired taste for many of us.
Secondly; when I lose sensation or feel that my erection is about to give out I simply continue as I started, pleasuring her first.
If a woman tells me to come for her I tell her I will do it eventually and playfully suggest that if she wants to have it happen a little quicker she’ll have to help me out.
If it’s clear that she isn’t that confident or unable to do more than what she is doing, to keep her mind off of what isn’t happening, I focus totally on helping her orgasm as often as is possible during a love making session.
I’ve noticed more than once that with a lot of the women I’ve been with, if I could help them to achieve multiple orgasms, during a session they would eventually forget to worry about whether or not I came inside them at all.
Like with men; those little sleep hormones do eventually kick in after orgasm for women. So if a guy is confident enough and willing to be totally focused on the girl he is with he can, in a sense, bring her to the point of just wanting to cuddle and snooze.
Between his ability to masturbate her using his hands and what he does with his lips and tongue, she will have had more than her fill and appreciate the afterglow of what he’s done with her as she drifts off to sleep in his arms.
This is what has always worked for me, anyway.