These are comments by Mark Greene and peter on the post “Why Men Can’t Have It All“.
Mark Greene said:
“Well said, Peter. As a stay at home Dad, I’m pretty sure that my focus on raising my son did some damage to my revenues as a graphic designer. (As most contractors know, you have to network and pursue business constantly … so although I got my work done, new business suffered.) But on some other levels it helped me better understand what matters to me in life so being a stay at home Dad can be looked as a process that shifted my focus and put me on some new paths.
“But however you look at it, the dialog about men not ‘having it all’ is unheard of. There is a tendency in our culture for the men who raise children to be devalued. That is, looked at as doing this wonderful work because they have no alternative. We and our spouses can be hit with that message over and over again in subtle ways.
“And if money drops off, well, that is proof that we are somehow ‘slacking’. Tough stuff, all around.”
peter added:
“Absolutely—it is tough stuff all around, and that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I have the same struggles in balancing family and work and money, but in a way, I think that’s good. It means that we are taking all of these crucial elements as seriously as they should. It’s refreshing to know that there are so many fathers who are on the same page.”
Photo credit: Flickr / DrStarbuck
About the Editors
Right on the nose! I had the same exact thoughts when I passed by a magazine in my local pharmacy. It had a male actor on the cover swimming with his child & the caption above simply read “Forgetting Mommy Already?”
Is the inverse ever asked when a Mom’s pictured with her daughter? Should we just assume that she’s a more fit parent simply b/c she’s female? Why is it that an attentive dad is simply seen as doing the best he can..somewhat of an underdog in the parenting realm, especially when he just might be giving his child exactly what he/she might need?
Still scratching my head here.
Greg Santomero
http://angelasclues.com/dad-daughter-swim/
There’s nothing to head scratch on that one. That magazine article and healine teaser had nothing to do with stay at home dads or fit parenting based on gender. It was about a notoriously divorced Hollywood couple and their battle over their child.
Speaking of double standards, had Tom Cruise done to Katie Holmes what Katie did to Tom, he would have been critcized in the harshest possible terms, and called profane names, rather than celebrated as a hero for women.
While I’m thankfully a little in the dark about the whole Tom/Katie thing & your point does sound accurate, the magazine’s headline teaser has a lot to do with fit parenting based on gender. A dad and his daughter enjoying time with each other should be just that (regardless of where they fit in the pop culture strata) & we don’t need to ponder whether or not the girl’s forgotten about her mother simply because she’s having fun with her dad. The headline is completely making the assumption that the primary person in her life (mom) is being replaced..by the lesser valued Dad. Would the same statement be made with the genders reversed? Further proof of Mark & Peter’s stance that “men who raise children are devalued”.
Can this not be about one or the other gender getting the short straw? The truth is, part-time and full-time parents in general have less time to network, work overtime, and be exceptionally ambitious unless they can afford lots of help with children. The truth is NO ONE, regardless of gender, can “have it all” a long as what that means is a well-adjusted family with lots of time for nurturance and togetherness, high-paying jobs that generally require long hours and travel, a halfway healthy sex life … I get tired of this “having it all” concept dividing the sexes and making everybody feel like they aren’t good enough. How about we decide that “having it all” doesn’t necessarily have to mean a $75,000 car, a multi-million-dollar home, every trendy electronic toy, a corner office, perfect and high-achieving kids (let’s redefine what achievement means?), a perfect fight-free marriage … and instead ask what we need to do to maximize the health and strength of ourselves *and* our families?
“And if money drops off, well, that is proof that we are somehow ‘slacking’. Tough stuff, all around.”
There is it. When it comes to doing what the old gender roles say the male gear’s job in the machine is to go out and work and make money. The reason dads that do the child care are devalued is because they are not doing “what they are supposed to do”. Similar to when kids act up and people point to the mother. Raising children is what women are “supposed to do” according to the old gender roles.
Lose of money is used as “proof” that the man is not doing his job.
Children not being perfect dearies is used as “proof” that the woman is not doing her job.
And this is influenced by the definition of “all”. For a long time “all” for men was to have the high paying job, lots of material possessions, and a wife to take care of the 2.5 kids and fancy home. How much he put into directly raising the children played no part. In fact that part is removed so that he can work harder at his “all”. Because remember for the most part however much he is making chances are his efforts are making someone above him on the food chain a lot more money than he will ever see).
“The reason dads that do the child care are devalued is because they are not doing ‘what they are supposed to do’.”
I think it’s also the case that the reason dads who do primary child care are devalued is because child care itself is devalued, and, like most unapid labour, is regarded as “women’s work”.