This is a comment by wellokaythen on the post “Is Marriage Obsolete?”
I can’t answer the question until I know what we’re actually talking about.
There is actually no such thing as “Marriage with a capital M,” meaning there is no single, universal, agreeable, self-evident thing that is the same for everyone. There really is nothing very deep you can say about ALL marriages that can be covered by the expression, “that’s what marriage is.” There are lots of marriages of all kinds. Marriages exist, but “marriage” as a concept is something people define for themselves within a marriage. They may let other people define what marriage means, but that’s still a choice.
This also means that there is no such thing as “a real marriage” as distinct from any other kind of marriage. Maybe one marriage is more sustainable than another, but that doesn’t make it more real. Every marriage that exists is a real marriage. The article is asking whether something is obsolete without bothering to say what the thing actually is.
This is like asking, “Is technology becoming obsolete?” Well, some forms of it are obsolete, some are becoming obsolete, and some seem to be going strong. Marriage forms are a type of social technology. Different societies at different points in history set up different kinds of marriages, though they may not have used any word comparable to “marriage.” Some kinds of marriages seem to be disappearing, while others are becoming more common.
It’s like asking, “Are contracts becoming obsolete?” Some are, some aren’t.
If the question is, “Is the ‘til death do us part’ kind of marriage disappearing?” then I’d say yes. That’s just one definition of marriage, though. People who are married for 10 years and then get divorced had an actual marriage. That was a “real marriage,” like it or not. If one or both of them remarry, that will also be “real marriage.”
Photo credit: Flickr / p r o m i s e
wellokaythen. Ithink your response was ‘dead nuts on’! Although I’m conservetive Politically, I think this ‘Defense of Marriage’ act was an abomination. How can anyone say that Polymorus and ‘Swingers’ can be legally married but manogamous gay couples can’t be? Marriage is somthing private between the 2 people involved. Whilr I agree that you should respect religious beliefs and not force them to go against their core beliefs, there is no reason , in a legal and civil sence, ANYONE who wants to enter into marriage, should not have the legal right to do so!
Polyamory and swinging works for some people. Just because it doesn’t work for you doesn’t mean that their bonds aren’t just as sacred–just in their own way. You can have a committed relationship with 3, 4, whatever people as long as everyone is on board. This might not be easy, but many people make it work. It can be just as meaningful and intimate. There will be jealousy, but there’s jealousy in almost EVERY relationship. If my partner got another girlfriend, I’d hope that it’s a mutual decision and that we *both* like her and have chemistry with her, since… Read more »
My point wasn’t that some types of marriages shouldn,t be allowed. My point was that Marriage is something between the 2 people involved in it and ONLY between them! It’s not right for you, me, or anyone else to say ,Well allow this and this kind of marriage, but not that kind. Look, I’m no fan of marriage in the modern wold and I’ve said on more than 1 occassion that if I were young and single today, I’d see no reason to get married PERIOD! But that’s about me personally and I also feel that no one has the… Read more »
Just out of curiosity, is there an alternative to marriage for someone who wants to be committed to someone and also have a big party celebrating it? There should be events like celebrations of love or something like that, legal or not. I guess legal marriage protects the partner who devotes themselves to the household and sacrifices a career (which nowadays isn’t just the female). Personally, I wish that I’d never gotten married. It’s made me lose a lot of money, ruined my credit score, and I don’t think I even married the right person for me. At the same… Read more »
I think about my mother, too. She left her family, including a dying father, and crossed an ocean for my dad. She abandoned her career (she was very bright and a professor in a very scientific field) to move to a country where she didn’t know the language to be with him and to raise her children. She took care of every practical thing ever for my dad–from finances to cleaning to booking hotels to taking care of the cars to cooking, etc. If, for some reason, my father were to decide to leave her, had they not been married–she’d… Read more »
See, now, this is what I’m talking about. To me, when someone says “I never should have gotten married,” the wiser thing to say would be “I never should have agreed to THAT KIND of marriage.” To say no marriage would ever work for you is maybe jumping to conclusions based on very simplistic thinking. There are different kinds of marriage. Getting screwed over in one kind of marriage doesn’t mean that all forms are horrible or obsolete. When someone says, “I learned my lesson and I am never getting married again,” that person is reacting to the KIND of… Read more »
I think the point of discussing marriage is to address real life issues within a marriage. The definition is not important as most readers come here for answers to their marriage woes. It’s not a comment of the day because all it does is deflect one from responsibility and choice. This could get real messy in someone’s head if they are having trouble in their marriage. Step it up a bit and let’s assume marriage is marriage by any definition and start talking about problems and resolutions. Real life is not academic. Real life is suffering and pain and men… Read more »
I was trying to call for MORE individual responsibility and choice, not less. My point, which I awkwardly circled around, is that your marriage is *your* marriage. It’s the particular relationship between you and your spouse. It’s not the relationship between you and an institution. If you want to know what will work in your marriage, look at the specific relationship you have with your spouse right now. Look at the kind of marriage relationship that you want and the kind of marriage that your spouse wants. Look at the specifics of your relationship and figure out what works and… Read more »