Leap of Faith
This comment by Dave on the post Open the Door: A Survivor’s advice on Not Shutting Out the World
I am a survivor, and I have to shake my head at this article. I really do see where the author is coming from about being vulnerable; It’s a message like Plato’s Allegory of the Cave. It is, however, not that simple. For me, and I suspect others like me, it’s the hardest thing in the world.
I do not, and cannot, trust other men. In fact, I can count on one hand the number of male friends I have, and none of them I let get close to me. My abuser was a fairly stereotypical masculine man, and such behaviors in other men, trigger a strong defensive reaction in me; even now, twenty years after the abuse ended. As a consequence most of the truly close friends I have, which are not many, are women. My wife worries that I am a social isolate.
The other thing that keeps me walled off from the world is the stigma of being a survivor. I live in fear of others finding out. I had one girlfriend break up with me because she was terrified if we ever had kids I would abuse them. Another person looked me dead in the eye and asked if I abused kids. Then there’s the homophobia associated with male survivors. I have had been called pansy, and much worse when others found out. I do not openly advertise the fact that I am a survivor. All of these reactions came from people I trusted enough to reveal my past to.
In my experience, survivors like myself, cannot truly open up, and cannot truly be vulnerable while the very real social consequences of being a survivor keep us defensive and walled off.
I apologize if this was longer than I expected, once I got writing I could not stop.
====
Let’s start a conversation:
How do we help survivors feel comfortable to open the door, lower the walls and participating in a meaningful and rewarding social life again?
_____
See more posts in our Editors’ Favorite Section
Like The Good Men Project on Facebook
Photo: J_Rocka /Flicker
Dave, thank you for your response and I completely understand how you feel. I will never say that “I know how you feel” because unless I have been in your shoes, I can’t come close to how you feel. You are in my prayers and I wish you the best. Take care,
Thanks Tom
I came on a bit strong but I was trying to at least show you what it was like. I wouldn’t want anyone to live a day in my shoes or know what I feel. I would prefer it if kids never had to grow up like that. But we do and and it takes a long time to undo the scars left by others. If it helps we suffered trauma for enough time for biological changes to occur in the way we think and it is very hard to undo.
Hi Tom The problem isn’t you – it’s us. We simply do not see things the same way as you and our early childhood trained us to be this way. You have a fundamental belief that people are good and kind and most likely going to do the right thing. We have a fundamental belief that everyone on this planet is out to get us and if they haven’t yet it’s because they don’t know about us yet. To give you a small idea I spent 13 years of my school life being assaulted, bullied, humiliated and shamed by other… Read more »
Okay, this makes me crazy on so many levels I can’t tell you. As kids who were abused, I am so sorry and as people who have felt (strike that) not felt but have been judged and criticized I am also sorry. Words cut deep and for those of you who have had those words enter your ears, I can’t imagine the pain you’ve gone through. I may sometimes struggle with some of the articles here at GMP but there is one thing that’s clear, GMP has always offered a platform that allows people like you to get their stories… Read more »
Dave, It has taken me a long time (40 plus years) to learn to trust men. My father tried to commit suicide when I was 5 years old. One of the lessons I learned was that getting close to a man can be dangerous to him or to me. Growing up, like you, I tended to get along better with girls than guys. I joined my first men’s group, initially to have something to do when my wife was with her women’s group. Over the years I learned to trust myself as a man, to trust other men (though I… Read more »
Hi Dave I hear you I’m only just starting to let my family in (my abusers were teachers and parents at the schools I went to). It’s hard to explain to people that in my eyes when dealing with others I see only three outcomes 1) They will hurt me 2) At some point when I (really) need their help they won’t be there. 3) They don’t believe anything I say. I don’t trust anyone really and I have never found a reason for a fourth category (such as I trust you). I’m hoping to change that but it’s hard… Read more »