A handful of examples that explain what gaslighting is and is not.
The post by Yashar Ali, “Why Women Aren’t Crazy” is one over our most popular posts of all time, with well over 1 million pageviews since it first ran. It explains a form of emotional manipulation known as “gaslighting”. As Ali explains it:
Gaslighting is a term used to describe manipulative behavior used to confuse people into thinking their reactions are so far off base that they’re crazy. The term comes from the 1944 MGM film, Gaslight, starring Ingrid Bergman. Bergman’s husband in the film, played by Charles Boyer, wants to get his hands on her jewelry. He realizes he can accomplish this by having her certified as insane and hauled off to a mental institution. To pull of this task, he intentionally sets the gaslights in their home to flicker off and on, and every time Bergman’s character reacts to it, he tells her she’s just seeing things. In this setting, a gaslighter is someone who presents false information to alter the victim’s perception of him or herself.
The post has generated over 950 comments, with some people unclear of when saying to someone “You are over-reacting” crosses the line into. This recent comment by Saint Sithney looks at a couple of examples in an attempt to clarify what gaslighting is and is not:
“Gaslighting is not trying to calm down someone who is truly being overemotional. It is taking normal displays of emotion and twisting them to make the person showing the emotion in the wrong.
For example, I once witnessed a man throwing a tantrum over his pizza having incorrect toppings. Full out tantrum – cussing, screaming, throwing things, threatening to hit the girl at the counter and beat up her manager. That is not a normal emotional reaction to being upset over an incorrect order. It would not be gaslighting to say, “You need to calm down – you are taking this way too seriously. It’s a PIZZA!”
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad freeNow, another example I know of from a different restaurant. A group of men were celebrating their buddy returning safely from deployment in Iraq. They brought out barbecue, and the soldier ran, retching, from the table. His last job in Iraq had been morgue duty and it had reminded him viscerally of a bomb-charred body he had had to scrape out of a car. It would be gaslighting to suggest that his PTSD was him being too sensitive and that he should just get over it. He witnessed something truly terrible, and he reacted in a way that is normal for PTSD sufferers.
If you say something really hurtful to a woman and she cries, that is a normal emotional reaction. You can not say “You’re being oversensitive, just because you’re upset that I hurt your feelings”. That’s victim-blaming, and it’s a cowardly move to absolve yourself of guilt. Own up if you were dumb enough to say something really hurtful, or if you innocently triggered someone’s PTSD. It’s what a real man would do, instead of this “Well… YOU shouldn’t be hurt just because I hurt your feelings! You have no right to make me feel guilty, so I’m going to make you feel guilty and crazy for daring to make me unhappy.” What kind of man would do that to a woman he cared about?
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Here is a video that explains the term in more depth:
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And finally, here is a movie trailer from the original movie Gaslight, from which the term was coined. It may not shed much more light on the term, but it sure is fun to watch.
photo: lianza / flickr
Hi Archy You write: ✺”Violent, hysterical, overreacting bigtime, breaking stuff, acting in a manner that the overwhelming majority of women n men do not act (think keying cars, etc), extremely verbally abusive, etc. These are all behaviours that men are not allowed to do, why would some women think it’s ok for them to do? “✺ It is NOT OK Archy when women are abusive or behave totally out of control. And if a men accepts this from a partner he will have problems in that relationship. Can Australian women act like that without loosing face and respect? I think… Read more »
I think Archy’s point is that, while you’re right that it’s not okay when women behave like that, and I’m sure that most people would agree, usually when someone hears about that sort of thing the general response is:
“Whatever he did, he must have deserved it.”
Well from what I’ve seen it’s far more accepted in women than men. I’ve seen women slap guys in public, zero consequences, if a guy did that he’d probably get the cops called or a punch to the face from some bystanders. As KC Krupp says if a man is being hit, etc then usually someone will say he probably deserved it, like Tiger Woods being hit by his partner. Generally it’s a case of too much assumption of male guilt and way too little accountability for women.
“I’ve seen women slap guys in public, zero consequences, if a guy did that he’d probably get the cops called or a punch to the face from some bystanders. As KC Krupp says if a man is being hit, etc then usually someone will say he probably deserved it, like Tiger Woods being hit by his partner. Generally it’s a case of too much assumption of male guilt and way too little accountability for women.” I suspect this is one of those things that depends on cultural context. I’ve been in situations where it’s accepted as ok for a man… Read more »
I’ve been told to calm down after a temper rage, I’ve witnessed plenty of men n women told to calm down after a temper rage. Acting like a “crazy”, angry, and aggressive person and being told to calm down is not gaslighting. Overreacting to small situations and being told to calm down is not gaslighting. Yeah you feel an overload of emotions, and it’s ok to feel some emotion but overdoing it IS bad because it IS scary to see, it IS violent. Crying hysterially because you spilled the milk is pretty damn annoying too although in many cases the… Read more »
That is NOT gas lighting. Gas lighting is not just telling someone to calm down, it is manipulative, it is purposeful, and the abuser is lying to the victim in some way. Telling someone with PTSD to calm down after being triggered is a jerky thing to do (albeit understandable for someone not the soldier’s shoes) and you should apologize, but it is NOT gas lighting. It is also not gas lighting if the guy didn’t know that the guy would be triggered. Gas Lighting: – The soldier told his buddies that the BBQ reminded him of the corpse and… Read more »
Sorry, got cut off by the refresh. It should have said:
“If he were to say “Why are you yelling at me?” when she had not raised her voice and he knows she wasn’t really yelling then he is gas lighting, but if he really feels like he’s being yelled at then not gas lighting.
I really have to disagree with this one: “Someone confides in a friend that they think they were raped and the friend responds with “No way, so-and-so would never do that, are you sure you didn’t just imagine it? You were really drunk last night.” Victim blaming? Yes, but not gas lighting (now it would be gas lighting if the friend knows that person was actually raped.)” This is absolutely gaslighting. It doesn’t matter if the person knows that their friend was raped or not, they’re refusing to listen to their friend and take what they’re saying seriously. They’re not… Read more »
So I’m curious. If the the accused tells their side of the story and someone responds with, “No way. You are a rapist. You’re just trying to find excuses to justify your actions.” Would that be considered gaslighting as well? I ask this because all too often when a rape claim is made people tend to take absolute sides (either declaring that it did happen or declaring it didn’t happen) before they even get all the facts straight. It would seem to me that such behavior, no matter which side it comes from, would be a denial of someone’s experience… Read more »
First off: I realize that I may have interpreted KC Krupp’s comment differently than he intended. There’s a lot of implicit stuff in that scenario which he may not have wanted, but the fact that he says it would be gaslighting if the friend knew the victim was raped makes me think we’re on the same page, just evaluating it differently. Anyway. I don’t think the situation you wrote would be gaslighting. Denial of experience is – in my opinion – a necessary but insufficient condition for gaslighting. There also needs to be a distortion of a normal emotional response… Read more »
but it’s also really hard to imagine a case where a man is falsely accused of rape and people tell him he’s being unreasonable for being upset.
Considering what can happen to the accused its not that hard to me.
All In all I’d say that it could be, but not always.
You interpreted my comment correctly, and while I agree that the friend is being a terrible friend by not listening, this is still NOT gas lighting. For something to legitimately be gas lighting the abuser MUST give false information or distort information to the victim. Now, if the friend were to say “So-and-so would never do that! Are you sure you didn’t imagine it?” and the friend knew that this person had previously committed rape, then yes, now the friend is gas lighting; the friend is misrepresenting the person’s character by saying that this person ‘would never do that’ when… Read more »
After the Gulf War, I’ve spent over twenty years with this exact same PTSD trigger; I do as little with any kind of fire as I can, and everybody I socialize with knows I don’t help at the grill at any kind of gatherings. I have gotten to the point where I will eat a hamburger or other grilled meat, but if it if the slightest bit pink inside I am done. If I order steak or a hamburger at a restaurant and it is pink inside I am done. I don’t want to hear about how tough it’s going… Read more »
I’m sorry to hear about your struggles, and I apologize if my comment in anyway seemed as though I was disregarding your experience. I was simply illustrating how the actions described were not gas lighting not suggesting that I condone or approve of anyone behaving in a way like that. Good luck on working through your struggles, and I hope you’re able to put all of it behind you one day.
No apology needed KC; I didn’t get any sense you had any disregard for any of us that had those kind of experiences nor did I get the idea that you condoned any of that kind of behavior. My comment was just a little personal perspective on the article. Thanks for the good wishes and back to you!