“Wanting to cuddle on the couch is not proof men are more physically needy.”

This comment is by Spencer on the post Can Men Live Alone?

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“Dating sites are loaded with men who list among their desires “cuddling on the sofa with a movie…” or similar.” – Ginger, Philadelphia

Yeah, I’ve been noticing this a bit. There are quite a few women that forever reason are trying desperately to flip the script by stereotyping men the way that women have been stereotyped, I guess it’s some way to reassure themselves. Ginger takes men putting in personals profiles that they want to cuddle and watch a movie as proof that men are more physically needy. I guess if she also comes across men saying they love to take a walk on the beach (assuming that’s what they believe women want to hear), then men love the beach more than women as well.

I was at a meeting a few weeks ago where we were discussing monogamy. An older woman kept insisting that men were really needy and wanted women to come home to, that they were lonely. A younger man kept trying to tell her that he didn’t want to settle down and was appreciating having his options to date different women – didn’t see any reason to dedicate himself to one yet. The older woman didn’t have anything to say. She just couldn’t deal with it – an actual man explaining that he wasn’t like that. She’d settled on her narrative about men – and would continue to see confirmation about it everywhere and ignore that which falsifies it.

This analysis is hardly new. Yes, us men are not supposed to have certain types of bonding outside of with our female partners. We’re not supposed to express certain emotions. But, women don’t want to accept their responsibility in this and their talk of “emotional cheating,” being jealous, and attempting to shame a man into giving attention to only her – not thinking of others, not being happy about things unrelated to her.

Too many blame the patriarchy, when most of what men pick up on how to act is through interactions and being told not only by men how to be, but also their significant others, or picking up on how their mothers speak about their fathers when they are absent.

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Comments

  1. “or picking up on how their mothers speak about their fathers when they are absent. ”
    The way parents talk about a gender I would guess has a major influence on the child similar to how racism can be passed down a generation.

    Great comment though, assuming people are more needy for enjoying a very “normal” activity is silly.

  2. Dating sites, like JDate which my sister-in-law has tried, is full of lies and exaggeration on people’s profiles…From old photos (one profile photo was 20 years old and 80lbs.lighter!) to descriptions of their personalities (one guy was psychotic and dangerous…we put an end to that right away!) and hobbies (one guy was a major pothead), it was shocking for her to discover the truth behind what she saw online ….

    That said, we do know 3 success stories with JDate (2 marriages and another true love match)….I guess you have to know how to pick them….

  3. cuddling on the sofa with a movie

    That’s what’s called a couch date. Maybe this isn’t true of every guy, but for many saying that is a way to lure women into their homes so they can get sex.

    emotional cheating,” being jealous, and attempting to shame a man into giving attention to only her – not thinking of others, not being happy about things unrelate

    But wait a minute, a lot of men are the same way. In short, men dont like to share either even though they think they should do as they please. Id venture to say that men don’t like women fantasizing about other men (but they do think it’s sexy for women to be quasilesbian). The problem is that men feel ENTITLED to do what they want while proclaiming what they do has nothing to do with their spouse.

    • I hate how everything I do is viewed through the lens of getting laid. Just because I like watching movies doesn’t mean I’m “luring” you.

      “Maybe” that’s not true of every guy? Are you kidding? There is more to men than just having sex.

      • Amen to that. If you go looking and expecting men to be doing everything to get laid, no wonder there are so many people bitter n angry at them. Funnily enough some men enjoy cuddling, and they also enjoy sex, neither overrides the other!

        • @Archy
          No one has to look for it. Even men will admit they want a “couch date.” If men don’t like how they are characterized, they should change their behavior.

          • The only thing that needs to change is your sexist attitude towards men.

          • Nice misandry there…Should women stop going after bad boys who abuse them or chasing only the rich guys? /sarcasm
            See I can be silly and use stupid stereotypes as well! Or we could all stop generalizing so much. If you had said SOME men, I would have agreed but you are saying it as a statement inclusive of all men which is wrong.

      • Yes, but really, you have to admit It can very easily go the other way towards sex with cuddling on the couch. It is more likely the norm in situations such as these. Men know this.

        • I am a man and don’t know this. I just think of cuddling as cuddling, if it leads to sex then good, if it doesn’t then good. Nice assumptions though….

        • Yeah, who would ever think that physical contact between two people who are attracted to each other, could ever lead to sex?

          How is that my fault? I’ve never “lured” a girlfriend over for a quiet night just to screw her. Sometimes, believe it or not, we just want to hang out with each other.

          Have we ended up having sex sometimes? Yes. But guess what? That’s what grown ups in a relationship do. Stop victimizing yourself and get over it.

          • Maybe you haven’t, but many many men will lure a woman. It would be less of an issue if men would be honest and say what they really want. It’s probably a less serious issue with couples who are dating, but men will try this on just about any woman.

            • Well if many woman know many men are inviting them over for an attempt at sex, and still go, then wouldn’t that suggest they’re open to the idea of sex? Or is it only some women, or only you that understands this?

              Men fear being open about their intentions due to being shamed for them, how fast will they be called a creep when saying they want sex openly? I’d invite a partner over to cuddle and have sex if we both want to, but how do you word that? How do I say it so it doesn’t make her think I ONLY want sex? Because I want more than JUST sex you know and many others I’d say are similar.

              Maybe we need to teach people to shame others less when they are honest, teach people to be more open so we can all communicate our desires without much fear. Men could say they want sex but that could end it before it happens, they could just invite someone over to watch a movie without indicating what else will happen, but that’ll just leave women like yourself wondering their intentions.

              I will say this though, if you believe that is why men do it then you’re biased already and that is what you will see in their behaviour and intentions, which may be quite different in reality.

            • then wouldn’t that suggest they’re open to the idea of sex?
              Well, that’s pretty much how men see it…

              Men fear being open about their intentions due to being shamed for them,
              Some men are pretty open about it, but I guess they dont get as many hits. Hence the suggestion of couch dates.

              I’d invite a partner over to cuddle and have sex if we both want to, but how do you word that?
              I dont think it’s that big of a deal of people are already partnered

              Men could say they want sex but that could end it before it happens
              I think that would work. The women who don’t like could say no, and everyone can move on

  4. Ah Ginger. So naive. A man broadcasting he would like to cuddle and watch a movie isn’t an admission of being needy, it’s evidence of a certain level of maturity. In other words, he’s figured out that broadcasting: “likes to recline on the sofa with a sandwich passing wind, scratching myself and watching football”, while perhaps honest, is not a good way to make new female friends who might be willing to drop their panties a couple times a week.

    If you are a woman who find men willing to cuddle from time to time a sign that he’s ‘needy’ and a negative, prepare yourself to be trolling J-Date for men in your 30′s and 40′s.

  5. Last night’s episode of ‘The Office’ had a plot line that explored this topic in hilarious fashion. I recommend checking it out.

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