This is a comment by Cy Young and Bonnie on the post “6 Ways to talk to Your Son About Male Violence and Healthy Masculinity”.
What messages have you been bombarded with about violence as a man? Were you taught how to punch so you could defend yourself on the playground? Were you told that man who expressed their emotions were “pussies”? Cy Young and Bonnie tell what messages they have heard told to them and other men.
Cy Young said:
As a 29 year old man I can personally attest to having heard every single one of these “manly” man messages in my life. For the men who are older saying they’ve never picked up on these messages it’s probably cause you weren’t bombarded with them in the media growing up, my generation was.
Bonnie said:
Well, I have no experience of being a man, but I’ve suffered from depression for a number of years, and in that time I’ve seen a very small number of men in the support and therapy groups I attend. What I pick up on most strongly is that while it’s OK for me to cry and talk about how I feel and what my problems are and ask (beg, scream) for help, they can’t. I think it’s probably linked very strongly to the high number of men who successfully complete suicide that they’re just plain not allowed (by society’s perceptions) to show weakness, to need help.
I have a friend who is obviously going through something very painful right now. He can’t talk about it. It was obviously really hard for him to even admit there was something wrong.
From these things, I feel that the first three points at least are well targeted. We learn our gender roles very early in childhood because we mimic what we see around us, and certainly the most common depictions I see of men are all about strength manifested in duty, responsibility and the absence of emotion. So I think making feelings and pain admissible for men will be an important step towards improving mental health for men in general.
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Photo credit: Flickr / CarbonNYC
Alastair… I agree with you to a point. Men and women define each other based upon whatever expectations they might have of what they want in the other. This part, what the other sex wants is important, and speaks to your point about women telling men that if they were more like women, problem solved. Messages, like that one, are constantly being expressed in culture by men and women and are forced on the other sex. Are there other influences, of course, but none with the power or verve of the expectations of the opposite sex. The power of our… Read more »
The idea that men just need to be able to express their feelings more and that traditional notions of masculinity are all to blame, while very common around here, is frustratingly simplistic. People deal with their problems in different ways. People also articulate their identities differently. With these differences come strengths, weaknesses, and particular needs. These differences also often tend to be heavily gendered. I don’t believe that this gendering is entirely or even primarily attributable to society’s notions of masculinity, although those certainly play a part. All too often, what I hear from various articles and comments on this… Read more »
Excellent piece of writing here. I’m going to read this multiple times. You’re rightly pointing out one extremely common case where people assume one size fits all, when it really doesn’t.
Unfortunately, a lot of well-meaning people (and not so well-meaning people) will simply say that you are in denial. You must be so emotionally repressed that you think you are not a very emotion-centered person. How terribly the patriarchy has brainwashed you…. : – )
Ditto. I hope you submit that as an article, Alastair.
Thanks, Marcus. I might submit something that fleshes out some of its ideas soon.
As an African American man who’s life has spanned many generations and has studied these issues, I can say with confidence that messages of uber masculinity have been present in the African American community since slavery. Rap music didn’t invent them, nor did the mass media.Blaming rap music exclusively is one big political cop out. To my knowledge, this country has never stopped to weigh the effects of 100’s of years slavery, during which horrific violence was normal, on it’s victims. However, we have no problem understanding that if one white woman is raped, she will need love and the… Read more »
Excellent point in that last paragraph especially. Men learn these values from women as well as from other men. It’s not just dads teaching violence out there.
As a mother of boys, it makes me sad that this is still the standard. I really hope that my boys can grow up in a world that honors their feelings as well as the capabilities of women. I want both my sons (and the second one isn’t even born yet) to feel that they are free to express themselves in whatever way is necessary. This might end up being hard for them as my husband is somewhat reserved emotionally. I have noticed that he is very comfortable showing affection to our son and hopefully that translates in our son… Read more »