“While women don’t like being objectified, we do want to be attractive to our male partners.”

This is a comment by Erin on the post “I’d Court You if I Didn’t Have to Objectify You First“.

Erin said:

“Curt, you got a lot of good qualities going on that any woman would be lucky to experience. I loved your piece. It’s very open and intelligent.

“Don’t assume that all us women are being hit on all the time. Certain females very well may get hit on all the time, but a lot of us regular girls aren’t. Some of us would love for a nice man to talk to us in public. I for one prefer this over internet dating. But I never had many men come up to me and hit on me in real life.

“But I understand why a cold approach is difficult for men. Perhaps it would benefit you to get involved in an activity that you like that includes both other guys and women. Usually sharing a common area of interest with another member of the opposite sex is a great way to break the ice. And I’m not just talking about romantically but the more time you spend with members of the opposite sex, the more you can see them for the human beings they are.

“I personally think objectification can be a fine line. While women don’t like being objectified or have their objectification glamorized like a lot of media does to women, we do want to be attractive to our male partners. I don’t think there is any woman that really wants to be in a relationship where a man only likes her for her intelligence but isn’t physically attracted to the body she was given. It’s a package deal because people are package deals. While we aren’t just our bodies, our bodies come with us. A woman also doesn’t want to be in a relationship where a man only likes her body or makes her body the holy grail of his sexual existence. We do want to be seen as whole people after all. But part of being seen as a whole person is taking into account our minds AND our bodies.”

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Comments

  1. Some of us would love for a nice man to talk to us in public.”
    I’d love to talk to women in public but so often I hear of boundaries and how annoying it is for women to be hit on in public. I’ve taken the advice like read her body language, if she’s reading a book then leave her alone, if she looks tired or cranky then leave her alone but when is the right time to say hi?

    “Usually sharing a common area of interest with another member of the opposite sex is a great way to break the ice.”
    Yeah I find that helps in one of the clubs I am in. I always look at women as humans but I’ve been plagued by shyness with them.

    • They do want to be talked to, flirted in public…but only by attractive men who meet their specifications.

      Women also reserve the right to throw a fit, if God forbid, the man is not up to their requirements.
      Women feel disgusted and creeped out if a man they are not attracted to expresses interest in them. They feel they’ve been violated, cheapened. They are thinking in their minds “How dare he”

      Men need to be extremely careful with women. They should only approach a woman if they are getting clear signals of interest.

      • This is the strategy I derived from being rejected (and usually not very nicely) almost every time. If I interest a woman, she will find a way to get my specific attention and then open a conversation. If she doesn’t, I’m not out anything, and she has no reason to be hostile to me.

      • It depends on the woman, which of course makes it quite tricky. If a (subjectively) unattractive man walked up to me and was chatty, most likely I’d converse until it became boring or inconvenient.

        • Rachel

          why do you women folk throw around this beauty/physical attractiveness being subjective and in the eye of beholder warm-fuzzy,feelgood clap trap so much?

          Why do you desperately try to portray your sex as the less shallow one? By any means, women are not more forgiving to men on looks than vice versa. And beauty is not that subjective afterall.

  2. Personally, I don’t feel those kind of feeling are exclusive for women. I’m a man and I want to be attractive physically to my female partners too. We want to be wanted for our whole package too. Not just our personality, power, or money.

  3. I don’t think there is any woman that really wants to be in a relationship where a man only likes her for her intelligence but isn’t physically attracted to the body she was given.

    I don’t think that a person who has lost any sexual interest in their partner or altogether, a situation that seems to be a fairly common, has all that much of an interest in being physically attractive to their partner either…

  4. I was drawn to this line too: “I don’t think there is any woman that really wants to be in a relationship where a man only likes her for her intelligence but isn’t physically attracted to the body she was given.” I don’t think many guys–your “average” guys–would feel the same way, most of us being happy if a woman likes us despite our looks.

  5. But I understand why a cold approach is difficult for men. Perhaps it would benefit you to get involved in an activity that you like that includes both other guys and women. Usually sharing a common area of interest with another member of the opposite sex is a great way to break the ice. And I’m not just talking about romantically but the more time you spend with members of the opposite sex, the more you can see them for the human beings they are.

    This is one of those lose-lose suggestions. Men who don’t try the common interest approach to meet women are faulted for not seeing “whole human beings”. Men who do, especially in a typically male-dominated interest like gaming, are faulted for treating every woman who shows up as a dating prospect, which is rude because those women should be allowed to just enjoy the common interest without constantly being hit on. If he just appreciates platonic friendship at first and later develops romantic feelings that aren’t reciprocated, that sets him up to be labelled NiceGuy(tm), because he must have had an agenda all along. If you remove any romantic potential from the equation, then it’s simply advice for making platonic friends with either sex, which is nifty, but not very relevant or helpful to issues of dating and attraction.

    I’m not saying it’s a bad idea – meeting women through pursuing a shared interest – but guys can and do get criticized as much for pestering women who just want to enjoy the convention/meet-up/activity without getting hit on as they do for cold approaches. If a woman doesn’t want to be met by you, it doesn’t much matter if you approached her cold or waited until the fifth meeting of knitting club to say “hello”, but you get nowhere by assuming rejection without even trying, so guys will try.

    • Bay Area Guy says:

      This is one of those lose-lose suggestions. Men who don’t try the common interest approach to meet women are faulted for not seeing “whole human beings”. Men who do, especially in a typically male-dominated interest like gaming, are faulted for treating every woman who shows up as a dating prospect, which is rude because those women should be allowed to just enjoy the common interest without constantly being hit on. If he just appreciates platonic friendship at first and later develops romantic feelings that aren’t reciprocated, that sets him up to be labelled NiceGuy(tm), because he must have had an agenda all along. If you remove any romantic potential from the equation, then it’s simply advice for making platonic friends with either sex, which is nifty, but not very relevant or helpful to issues of dating and attraction.

      Exactly how I feel.

      I don’t want to sound like a conspiracy theorist, but I can’t help but think that more and more barriers are being erected to make the dating marketplace as difficult for men as possible.

      • Yup! We left behind the Mickey Rooney school of dating with WWII and never resumed it.

        Women want more power, then let them have it all when it comes to forming relationships. If you are of interest to a women, she will find a way to open up a conversatin with you. You then have the choice of going along or declining.

    • You hit the nail on the head. And much more eloquently than I could.

  6. You can’t have both. Physical attraction ALWAYS involves some objectification.

  7. I’m hearing a lot of anger and frustration here and I can understand where it’s coming from. All I ask, gentlemen is that you don’t generalize all women. We’re all individuals and there’s no guarantee no matter what you do. I know, that’s upsetting, but it’s the truth. I’m a woman who would love to have men approach me….on the few occasions where I have been approached I have always been civil and decent. I see no reason for anyone to “get pissed” because someone has approached them. Whether or not I am interested, I am polite. I also do a lot of the “asking out” and I do say yes to men (whether they’re hottie or not) because you never know! And no, I don’t have “more options” as I am an average woman who isn’t a Barbie wannabe.
    As for the idea that women are “looking for power” or are “looking to hurt men”, well, I’ll say the same thing I told a friend who decided that “all men are dogs”: if you’ve written off the entire gender, then step out of the game and concentrate on other things. If it’s hopeless to get a date because “all women/men are this and that” then let it go and move on. But if you want to keep trying, then accept that you will kiss more frogs than princes/princesses

    • “I don’t have “more options” as I am an average woman who isn’t a Barbie wannabe”

      You may not have more options that the Barbie, but you certainlu have more options than the average male..

      • An average looking woman may be able to get casual sex more easily than an average looking man, but her chances of getting into a good relationship are no higher.

        • Life is a journey, not a destination.
          You might as well argue that since we all die in the end, we all have it equal.

          just like that, one’s love/sex/dating life is more like a journey rather than a destination.

          One guy has only had one gf in his lifetime, that he got after bending backwards, after a lot of effort and pursuit, and goes on to marry her.

          Another guy has flings, affairs, casual sex, fwb’s and a variety of relationships with over 50 women and then goes on to marry one woman.

          The destination and end result for both men is the same.

        • So women like yourself, like to downplay the advantage they have in the dating/sexual marketplace by narrowing things down and only considering the ENDING UP part. By claiming that the aim of all dating and sex is to find a lifelong, committed, loving and perfect relationship, and anything else is failure.

          You dont acknoweldge that what we humans fundamentally want is sex, physical intimcay, some companionship and sexual validation and it is a lot easier for women to obtain these things than it is for men.

          You’d be living in denial that you need marriage to obtain these things in this day and age.

  8. Women want to have it BOTH ways, and thet get just what they deserve!

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