This is a comment by Tim & Jules on the post “The Appeal of ‘Bad Boys’“.
Tim said:
“Because romance and wooing is, more often than not, one sided. Ideally, why should a man need to put more effort to get what they both want—sex and intimacy?
“If a man is desirable, if a woman is truly attracted to a man—physically and sexually—he wouldn’t need to bend backwards to earn sex and affection from her. But you imply that men need to earn sex from women.
“Why shouldn’t sex happen naturally and effortlessly for both partners, if both of them need it equally? If after marriage, a man removes the aspect of wooing, charming and earning sex/affection from a woman, then that aspect was unfair to begin with.”
Jules responded:
“Your points are well taken and respected. So, in essence what you are saying it that is is an exchange: romance and wooing for the woman in exchange for sex?
“Well, If that is what is happening, then I guess it is so. But, if the woman loves her husband and views him as sexually attractive, then why is the romance and wooing really necessary?
“While married, my ex-wife and I did dinner dates, traveled, stayed at local hotels for a weekend … Still the sex was only once a month. So, my point is there is no guarantee this will work.
“The larger issue for me is just why is it necessary. I cannot grasp why some women will engage in casual sex with some men (no romance and wooing needed) but demand romance and wooing from the man they profess to love … Do you see my point?
“Perhaps my view is too logical? All I know from recent experience is I an enjoying great regular sex with two FWB partners with little romance and wooing. Hence, my view that being a lover beats being a husband, hands down.”
Photo credit: Flickr / notfrancois
Or, the short version: I’ll “step up” when I feel a man puts as much effort into attracting me as I do into attracting him.
People just misunderstand seduction. “Romance” and “wooing” (god I hate that word, it’s so juvenile) isn’t taking her out to dinner at some fancy restaurant. All that does is demonstrate your Provider qualities, the depth of your financial resource, and while some women will settle for a Provider no women is sexually aroused by one, ever. Taking her out to dinner and guiding her to her seat with your hand on the back of her neck is seduction. Outlining what you’re going to do to her later that night over your mussels is seduction. Swatting her ass discreetly in the… Read more »
I guess what I’m trying to say is that throwing out the wooing is like throwing out the baby with the bathwater. However should it be more even? ABSOLUTELY!
Women need to give us something to woo. It’s not enough to show up in bed and be willing once in a while. If a woman wants to be treated like she’s special, be special! If you want your man to be excited about you, be exciting. Or don’t. All the advice of wooing and seducing makes it seem–at least to me–like married sex life is a sisyphian task of managing your wife’s libido. Except that poor guy had it easy, at least he was rolling it uphill. I’ve got to roll it just to stay in place! Or roll… Read more »
Check out Athol Kay’s “Married Man Sex Life” (book, blog, and forum). It’s the most comprehensive and the best guide to relationship game out there.
Why should the guy woo a female? The combination of Evolution/adrenaline making the guy want to do the initial chasing and the beauty of the ritual itself. Wooing is supposed to be a pleasurable bonding activity which then *should* release chemicals in the body/brain such as vasopressin etc. Problems I think arise when the female isn’t allowed to reciprocate in the ritual creating an imbalance and thus resentment on the part of the male. In my mother’s country (as well as others) there is more of a wooing/counter wooing thus making the ritual more “even” for lack of a better… Read more »
You mean there are women in America who still bake?
@bobbt…
Yes, and they really enjoy it – especially when the we do it together.
Dunno where to put this post: I think we need to get real here. Because sometimes, when talking about dating with women, it feels like I’m talking to my sexist Russian male relatives. Kind of getting the same vibes. Women what do you do in these scenarios: 1.A guy approaches you at a party. You are initially attracted. Nut the attraction goes down when you se that he is nervous and isn’t leading the interaction to what both of you want (sex/date/exchanging of numbers). Do you A: Feel disappointed that nothing will happen/start to feel creeped out because he doesn’t… Read more »