This is a comment by Archy on the post “Withholding Sex is Not a Joke“.
Archy says:
“Withholding sex as a weapon IS abuse. Not wanting to have sex because you’re angry is okay, but using it to control your partner is abusive. Dishing it out as a reward and denying it at other times when the person doesn’t behave how you want them to be is not love …
“I’ve seen and heard the effects of lack of any kind of intimacy to know how it can be used as a weapon, it’s great to see people talking about it because it’s one of the types of abuse that is rarely mentioned.”
Photo credit: Flickr / Bilal Kamoon
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It’s something treated as a joke but there are so many things wrong with it
What’s that?
Just keep in mind that it’s important to differentiate between withholding and just being uncomfortable with sex. Just because she isn’t having sex with you that night, doesn’t mean that she’s punishing you by withholding. Here are two hypothetical situations. If my partner spent all night staring at another woman or at a strip club, and then wanted to have sex that night, I probably simply wouldn’t be in the mood. Not because I’m using it as a trump card–just that I’ve lost my self-esteem. Having sex isn’t that fun for me when I don’t feel sexy. If I come home tired, and see that he hasn’t done the dishes he promised to do, now I have to do double the dishes. If I don’t have sex with him, it’s not to punish him, it’s because I’m exhausted and annoyed. It’s because I have less time to have sex because I’m doing double the dishes.
Some women can’t get comfortable with sex when they’re upset. I’m not that type. I can have just had an epic, even violent fight, and still be good to go for sex an hour later. I’ve actually dated guys who have denied me sex because *they* were upset with me. Yet, I do have my triggers that put me out of the mood. With most of my partners, I had a very healthy, very frequent sex life even during times of trouble, and even in relationships that sucked. Yet, one former partner made me feel very insecure with a lot of the things he said. Some of them were on purpose, some of them probably slip-ups. I didn’t find sex with him very fun anymore. I wasn’t withholding, I just couldn’t get turned on by him anymore because he didn’t make me feel beautiful and sexy. We should have broken up with each other a lot earlier than we did. It’d be nice if men wouldn’t immediately go to “she’s withholding because she’s a bitch and wants to control me” and take a second to figure out why she might not feel comfortable with sex with you. It could be the former, but it could also be the latter. There are two sides to the story.