The majority of men aren’t violent, but violence is a men’s issue, and we all have a stake in reducing it.
I’m a college professor. My office sits next to a hallway abuzz with students at every class changeover, so I often overhear their conversations, whether I want to or not. Recently, I heard one male student talking to another about the poster they were perusing, the White Ribbon Campaign: “Men working to end men’s violence against women—how insulting!”
Unfortunately, this is not an unusual reaction. When I talk about the gendered nature of violence, lots of men get defensive—“Hey, I’m not violent”—and they are unwilling to continue the conversation.
So let me say this loud and clear: the vast majority of men are not violent. I am a man and I haven’t had a fight since the sixth grade—and most men I know have similar histories of nonviolence. So why should we talk about violence as a men’s issue? After all, some women are violent, too.
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While the vast majority of men are not violent, the vast majority of violent people are men. In the United States, men commit nearly 90 percent of all violent crimes, and there are similar imbalances nearly everywhere in the world. Imagine if men were no more violent than women. In the United States, it would mean a 75 percent reduction in violent crimes, which translates into about 22,000 fewer violent crimes and 30 fewer murders per day.
We are tempted to believe that men are so much more violent than women because of some biological factor such as testosterone, but research into the biological correlates of violence doesn’t support that hypothesis; besides, the vast majority of men are not violent. Research into psychological factors has been much more successful. Violent men nearly all adhere to toxic definitions of masculinity. In gender-based violence—rape, intimate partner violence, etc.—these definitions of manhood include an especially strong dose of dominance and woman-hating. And these definitions are supported by the men they associate with, and the culture at large.
Violence is a men’s issue, and all of us have a stake in reducing it. Men are also the most frequent victims of male violence. It is physically and psychologically damaging for victims and their friends and families, it puts perpetrators at risk for harm and incarceration or other legal trouble, it causes non-victims to live in fear, and it costs us a tremendous amount of money in law enforcement, prisons and jails, emergency rooms and health insurance, and social services like batterer education programs and rape crisis centers.
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The solutions begin with the awareness that this is largely a men’s problem—we need to take responsibility for preventing violence. Every man can get involved by refusing to participate in attitudes and behaviors that support violence and by confronting men who support violence.
A well-placed couple of words can be remarkably powerful. Express disapproval when other men say dehumanizing things about others or suggest that violence is an appropriate reaction to conflict. Men talk in these ways to win the approval of other men. If you disapprove, they will not get what they want and they are more likely to stop than if you remain silent or go along with the joke.
We can also support local services such as rape crisis centers and domestic violence agencies with donations and volunteer time. We can get involved with national organizations like Men Can Stop Rape. We can participate in or begin a White Ribbon Campaign or a Red Flag Campaign to prevent interpersonal violence. We can mentor young boys and men and help them to see that there are alternatives to physical aggression.
Make it your personal pledge to never commit, condone, support, or remain silent about men’s violence, and we will go a long way toward solving the problem that has affected so many people.
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Christopher Kilmartin is a professor of psychology at the University of Mary Washington and maintains a small private therapy practice. He is the author of The Masculine Self (4th edition) and co-author of Men’s Violence Against Women: Theory, Research, and Activism. Dr. Kilmartin has performed his one-man show, “Crimes Against Nature,” a humorous and educational look at men’s issues, on more than 300 university campuses.
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Paul Elam responds to this article here.
Andrew Smiler of SPSMM responds to Elam here.
The prime statement made “the majority of men aren’t violent” is not necessarily true. In some places in the world, 70-80% of femels are victims of violence (physical and/or sexual) usually by someone shi knows like a husband (please visit http://www.un.org and read about the global epidemic of violence against femels). In those places, the majority of males are violent (easily at least 60% of males IF we factored some males assaulting more than one femel; if not, it is really more than 70% of males are violent). In addition, in the United States, 1 of 3 adult citizens is… Read more »
Vyctorya, I hope you are not a victim of a female perpetrator since you seem to think they do not exist. But do not worry. It is as you say so guard yourself against men, even the good ones, and do not guard against women, even the dangerous ones. This is such sound reasoning, I am glad you came here to tell us this. Let us bolster your sound reasoning with some facts: 70% or more women are the perpetrators of non reciprocal domestic violence, and if men reciprocate that violence, the women are more likely to become even more… Read more »
Online Article…
[…]very few websites that happen to be detailed below, from our point of view are undoubtedly well worth checking out[…]…
Of the men who commit violent acts, how many are black, latino or otherwise non-white? Since you are clear that it’s not a biological thing and more likely a social thing, which I agree with and is in fact far more positive than past things said about violence being inherent to masculinity by many feminists, I’d also say that the violence committed within minority groups to be societal and not a biological racial trait. So when are we going to start telling blacks that it’s their responsibility to be “good blacks”? When are we going to start telling them that… Read more »
Paul Elam and his groupies are simply women haters. It is so obvious that they hate women. I mean, it’s palpable. I really had no idea the depths to which some people harbor hatred toward my sex until looking over this site’s many many articles loathing women. How women are less intelligent, not to be trusted, and apparently we’re just as, if not more violent than men. It just doesn’t make any sense. I have read and read, and at first I thought some of it was positive; i.e. equal custody laws, same protections for men, evolving roles of men,… Read more »
The solutions begin with the awareness that this is largely a men’s problem—we need to take responsibility for preventing violence. Every man can get involved by refusing to participate in attitudes and behaviors that support violence and by confronting men who support violence. And there’s your answer to why men refuse to engage. In one moment you acknowledge that the majority of men are violent but then right here you basically hold us all guilty by gender association by saying that as men we need to take responsibility for the violent acts a few of us commit. You simply telling… Read more »
From personal experience I have to ask. When will women speak up against male on male violence? When I grew up I was bullied without cease. Women just stood there and laughed while I got beaten. When I started beating back and showed my bullies what happens when someone who has trained martial arts for a decade won’t hold any punches anymore then suddenly women jumped to the bullies’ defence, so why should I stand up against violence against women?
I’m sorry for your suffering, but do you think the women you interacted with are, or represent, all women? Are you a bully because you’re male, and your bullies were male?
Someone who has “trained martial arts for a decade” should have picked-up in there, at some point, that you have a moral duty against all violent abuse. That you haven’t speaks very badly of your trainers.
Edit: Sorry. It should read “Inability to do harm.” My error. I apologise.
Mr. Kilmartin With all due respect, even though you throw out samples of empathy for the people who don’t fit your definition of victims and perpetrators of violence and torment: Quote: “So let me say this loud and clear: the vast majority of men are not violent. I am a man and I haven’t had a fight since the sixth grade—and most men I know have similar histories of nonviolence. So why should we talk about violence as a men’s issue? After all, some women are violent, too.” At the end of the day, you still have trouble really seeing… Read more »
Women are attracted to violent men. It is the sand kicking bully who gets the girl, not the 90 pound weakling. If a woman spurns you in favor of some pathological jerk, and further insults you by telling you that she has found a “real man”, why should you care if he knocks her around a little bit? If women have bad taste in men, it is their own fault.
Bravo, Chris, for a very brave and complelling article. Paul Elam in his critique says that you reveal “a dangerous ignorance of what masculinity is about.” But what does Elam think masculinity is about? It is clear from his two articles that he thinks it is an essential part of being a men, whether rooted in biology or psychology, that men must be masculine, and therefore if you criticise masculitiny are committing misandry. There is of course another view, one that. separates sex from gender, and sees the great plasticity of the latter. On that point, I debated Lionel Tiger… Read more »
Hi Ron, You make some interesting points, even if you completely misunderstand and mischaracterized everything I said. I have never said anything even remotely supporting the idea that masculinity is an essential part of being a man. And in fact, have many times argued against that notion, especially where it concerns traditionalism. What I have stated is that the overarching tendency to protect and provide (especially for women) has long been a part of masculine nature, but not that it is essential, especially in an age where gender roles have become prohibitive to self actualization. In fact, I see that… Read more »
Paul: Do you have the capacity to engage in respectful dialogue without resorting to ad hominum attacks and name calling?
Thanks,
Ron
I didn’t make any ad hominem attacks. Ad hominem is not employed where questions of personal conduct, character, motives, etc., are legitimate and relevant to the issue. e.g. known feminist ideologues asserting judgements about masculinity while claiming to be unbiased. And as to name calling, I didn’t do that either, unless you are implying that my calling you chivalrous is name calling. If that is the case, I can only suggest a lot more ventures out of your insular, back slapping environment in academe. It will give you the opportunity to grow a bit thicker skin. The dissent “out here,”… Read more »
I think Paul Elam makes a very good point in showing that the stance of the SPSMM is chivalrous and ironically connected to the traditional role for men of providing and protecting women. The SPSMM seem to be trying to carry that forward by stopping the “bad” men rather than blessing the male victims of IPV and working on giving men the same sorts of choices that we have given to women. Choice for men!
It appears there was a third option.
Precisely, Nancy. It was the promise of feminism that the liberation from assigned sex roles would be a liberation for men as well as women. I have heard the mantra from feminists for decades now, “Patriarchy hurts men, too.” And it is spot on correct. It does hurt men. But the problem with the ideologues that most commonly “claim” to support the goals of feminism is that their pursuit of the balancing liberation for men is half hearted and focused almost exclusively on changing all aspects of masculinity EXCEPT for the mandate to protect and provide for women. In other… Read more »
Oh and by the way, it is of the “masculine nature,” how could it not be “essential”?
Removing one component of a human being does not alter their humanity. Take the instinct for survival; the nature if you will, of human beings to try to live for every moment possible. Is a suicidal person, a really suicidal person, less human for it, simply because they have lost the instinct for survival? Does this not demonstrate that the desire for survival, a distinct part of human nature, is not essential for qualification as human? Let’s take a much more relevant example. It is clearly in the nature of men to seek women with whom to reproduce. But what… Read more »
Children first learn violence from their primary abuser. And who might their primary abuser be? Well, of course it’s their primary nurturer. From Child Maltreatment 2002 (Administration for Children and Families. Child Maltreatment 2002. Department of Health and Human Services, Washington, D.C., 2002. Based on data collected via the National Child Abuse and Neglect Data System – NCANDS, National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect Information): 1) We know that women comprised 58.3% of the perpetrators of child abuse and men comprised 41.7% (Figure 5-1 of the Child Maltreatment Report and accompanying Table 5-1, Age and Sex of Perpetrators );… Read more »
It is a men’s issue because the majority of violent crimes are comitted by men. If the majority of violent crimes were comitted by women, we as a society would be taking a step back and saying “what’s going on with these women?” But we don’t do this for men. Instead, we put all the focus on women, self-defense, walking in groups, never leaving your drink, etc. The burden of staying safe is put squarely on the shoulders of women. That being said, men are also victims of violence perpetrated by men. So both genders are victims of violence. Rape… Read more »
Men often become offended at such articles because they could never fathom admitting that for hundreds of thousands of years men have thought of women as their property to do with what they wish and that includes beating and killing them and the children. Domestic violence laws stopping violence against women is fairly new and still a work in progress. Men should be offended that other men are so violent and give them a bad name. lol..in all my years of being a police officer I can count on less then one hand the times a man was the victim… Read more »
That being said, this: “If the majority of violent crimes were comitted by women, we as a society would be taking a step back and saying “what’s going on with these women?”” is entirely correct. That’s what we’re saying we should do. We should be saying “what’s wrong with THESE men?” not, “what’s wrong with ALL men?” So yes, you are right. What is wrong with men who commit violent crimes? Not, what’s wrong with men in general. That is why “violence I’ve see a case where a woman drunkenly woke a man up, they had sex, and then she… Read more »
In reponse to your comment about Lizzie Borden I’ll just use a quote from the aforementioned herself, “(Interviewer)’And when the feminists and liberals say you’re degrading your friend the actress here and you’re degrading women by portraying them this way, what do you say?’ Lizzie Borden: ‘They’re degrading, no matter what. Everyone gets degraded. I mean, even if she was a secretary in the office, she’s going to get some kind of harassment, whether sexual or verbal — you know? So this is normal. Women get degraded every day, and so do men.'” Are you hearing what she’s saying? She… Read more »
Women are regularly portrayed as being every bit the equal of men, in terms of violence especially. On television, you can find a very popular female Mosaad assassin that intimdates her male colleaugues. They are depicted as sheriff’s, commanding officers in the military, street-hardened detectives in the inner city and captains of pirate ships (despite the fact that men considered a woman aboard ship to be very bad luck). They’re tough cookies who just happen to be always trying to finagle and finesse special privieges for themselves, on the basis of their ubiquitous need to be protected from, of all… Read more »
I’ve just had four attempts to post a comment flipped off on me. For my fifth attempt, I will reiterate that men’s rights forums on the internet manage to publish articles taken from the mainstream media about violent women attacking males and usually getting away with it. I myself have experienced two unprovoked attacks by women who were neither intimidated or inhibited by the propects of either losing the fight or subsequently being arrested for it. In reply, feminists and those that back them, trapse out their shopworn “studies” and wave them around. They also spout their trite slogans, such… Read more »
This piece is simply bizarre. He attacks the only group left to attack – men – and his motivations are fairly clear to me, after living on this planet for 50+ years, but I’ll leave the exercise of discerning them to other readers. They aren’t as noble as he tries to make them.
Paul, Nancy and Denis and to all those who value reason over rhetoric,
Bravo!
Once again, “The Good Men Project” shows it’s true colors. You know, during the slavery period in American history, “Good Negroes” were the ones who denigrated everything about their own culture and ethnicity, and were also the ones who went back and told the slave owners everything that the “bad Negroes” were doing. These were the slaves and later the Negroes who were told that “they were a credit to their race.” Cartoonist Aaron MacGruder caricatures that image in the character from “The Boondocks,” Uncle Ruckus. Are you male members of “The Good Men Project” a “credit to your gender?”… Read more »
In 2006, 846,181 legal induced abortions were reported to the CDC from 49 reporting areas in the US. This total presents a 3% increase from the 820,151 abortions reported for 2005.
Gender-based violence, indeed.
Christopher Kilmartin has taken the initiative to respond at AVfM with a list of studies on men and violence, but he has not responded to any of the issues and critisizms raised on this blog.
Please do not avoid the issues, answer them directly.
A Reminder to Commenters:
Please refrain from ad hominem attacks; not only are they unnecessarily disrespectful, they undermine your argument (if, in fact, you have one) and the goal of fruitful debate.
“Ad hominem abuse involves insulting or belittling one’s opponent in order to invalidate his argument, but can also involve pointing out factual but ostensible character flaws or actions which are irrelevant to the opponent’s argument. This tactic is logically fallacious because insults and even true negative facts about the opponent’s personal character have nothing to do with the logical merits of the opponent’s arguments or assertions.”
“definitions of manhood include an especially strong dose of dominance and woman-hating”
Yet, ad hominen without citing evidence is perfectly acceptable for the submissions.
please refer to the entire sentence from which you quoted, and then back to the definition of “ad hominem.”
Intimate Partner Violence is NOT gender based violence.
Men and boys also get raped by women.
It’s an ad hominen attack on the entire male gender.
Do some research and look up the definition of “hate speech”
http://www.nfvlrc.org
Henry,
I do a lot of advocacy for family violence and I have to ask you a very serious question.
Would a “good man” ignore this:
http://www.breakingthescience.org/DontPutYourTrustInMovements.php
Dennis, I read this, and many of the points it raises are valid/important. But I think you’re misunderstanding the article above to be an attack on men, which it’s not. It may not take your point of view into account to your satisfaction, but he’s not criticizing men. He wants to change prevailing cultural notions—specifically that it’s cool/necessary to be violent in order to be a “manly” (read: acceptable) man. He says, “Violent men nearly all adhere to toxic definitions of masculinity,” not “ALL men adhere to toxic definitions of masculinity.” He says, “In gender-based violence …” not, “all violence… Read more »
Henry – I think you are wrong. If Kilmartin had approached the article or his young college males by saying “1-2% of males are exhibiting toxic masculinity through violence and we need as many good males as we can gather to help fight this problem” I might agree with you. But that is not what happens. What he does is blame the good young men for the 1-2% by claiming that through their not doing anything they are going along with toxic masculinity with the clear implication that they are at least partly to blame. Here’s a quote: “Every man… Read more »
Nancy, You say, “What he does is blame the good young men for the 1-2% by claiming that through their not doing anything they are going along with toxic masculinity with the clear implication that they are at least partly to blame.” and “And it is implied that without doing the above, men are presently supporting toxic masculinity by default and therefore are responsible. Kilmartin says that simply by not being violent, it is not enough. Men are responsible to fix it. Usually those we feel are responsible to fix something are the ones who caused it, right? Duh.” When… Read more »
Since your post responding to my observations has no reply button I will use this one. There is a famous verse that goes something like this, “Let those who have eyes, see. Let those who have ears, hear.” I can’t explain why you don’t seem to perceive the harsh judgement of males in Kilmartins piece. Perhaps you have an overflow of chivalry. Who knows? I would urge you to simply answer Paul Elam’s question, which has been asked repeatedly and never gotten a response. It’s about whether you would run a similar story with Blacks or Jews being the object… Read more »
Well Henry, clearly the dispute is over the definition of masculinity that includes “toxic”.
Masculinity has always been about protecting women, so there is no way that definition would include violence against women as a component of masculinity.
People are not misreading anything and if you think that way then you should be re-considering the public response and your own reading ability..
Nancy, phenominal post!! Your command of logic and reasoning are excellent, and your points spot on!
How can we prevent Intimate Partner Violence and injury to women? IPV researcher Deborah Capaldi, Ph.D., a social scientist at the Oregon Social Learning Center, finds that the best way for women to be safe is to not initiate violence against their male partners. According to Dr. Capaldi, “The question of initiation of violence is a crucial one… much IPV is mutual, and initiations — even that seem minor — may lead to escalation.”
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glenn-sacks/researcher-says-womens-in_b_222746.html
Domestic violence is not just beating a wife or girlfriend. It is sexual assault, rape, molestation and more of the like as well as formerly mentioned. To say that women initiate most domestic violence issues that occur to them…WOW that is unbelievable in this day and age. I am not saying women are not or can not be equally cruel or violent, but how often truly is a woman the perpetrator statistically of rape? Don’t respond with one case here or one there, I want a true statistical rate. To say that men, to even imply that men, have been… Read more »
Stranger rape is NOT domestic violence. Men as a gender are NOT responsible for the small minority of violence. Look at all the experts at the NFVLRC.ORG, lots of quality research is there too. NFVLRC policy statement: “Reports from the WHO (Archer, 2006) also make it clear than in many countries around the world, particularly where women have little political or socioeconomic power, women represent the much larger share of IPV victims. However, the most reliable population of surveys indicate that in Western industrialized democracies such as the United States and Canada, where they enjoy higher status, women engage in… Read more »
“Men working to end men’s violence against women—how insulting!” This is insulting because male violence is directed primarily against other men, not women. Women are more likely to be initiators of domestic violence than men, and mothers are twice as likely to kill or abuse their own children as fathers are. The sexist and denigrating campaign that this misguided author supports features posters in the children’s section of libraries and schools that depict young men as goons dressed in gang attire, shaming young boys for crimes that they did not commit. It goes on to advise fathers to “teach your… Read more »
Could you guys please change the name of this web-site?
The present name implies that it is here to help and support Men.
Obviously it is the EXACT OPPOSITE. It is a web-site designed to assist Feminism, and to push Men further down in the food chain than they already are.
Before you express such drivel please have the courtesy to do a bit of REAL research.
After reading this article a couple of times, I feel compelled to ask the management of this publication a question. Can you name one other homogenous group that you would run an article about, when that article uses research and statistics to blame that group for a social ill, AS A WHOLE? Black? Hispanics? Jews? Women? Gays? Lesbians? Even whites? The answer to that is obviously no. And why? Because you know it would be wrong. Because it would be unthinkable. And yet, where it concerns men, a titled part of your audience, it somehow becomes acceptable- even noble. With… Read more »
It was this man’s hate campaign against elementary school age children that first drew me into the men’s movement, 21 days ago. A poster in my son’s library featuring menacing looking young boys in gang-like attire warned fathers to “teach your son’s young and teach them often, that violence against women is never justified.” My son read this and other headlines, and was shamed and hurt, just as the hate campaign intended. He asked me “what is wrong with me daddy?”, and I woke up from a lifetime of brainwashed-illusion regarding what “women’s rights” means. The feminist movement and its… Read more »
Well said Mr Elam. Black people commit more crime than white people, yet it would be unfair to say violence is a ‘black problem’ as if it were some racial inadequacy. We instead look at WHY it is predominantly black and try to help mitigate the factors causing this. Women commit more infantcide than men, are we to say that is a ‘women’s issue’ and shame women for the crime, even though most women are not guilty? How about looking at WHY men commit so much violence. Ask who often benefits from the violence, and you will not infrequently find… Read more »
> After reading this article a couple of times, I feel compelled to ask the management of this publication a question. Can you name one other homogenous group that you would run an article about, when that article uses research and statistics to blame that group for a social ill, AS A WHOLE? Black? Hispanics? Jews? Women? Gays? Lesbians? Even whites? Precisely. This is another case of anti-male shaming talk. If you said violence is a black issue you would be howled down. If you said child abuse is a women’s issue (women are predominant in child abuse and murders)… Read more »
Having read the blog above, I first wondered at the age of the college-professor author – as the limited viewpoint expressed bespeaks of limited life experiences. Disappointing that the 1st-person voice of this blog is only attributed to a group: SPSMM. Let’s take some personal responsibility here… In any event, “Men working to end men’s violence against women…” is worthy – and specific enough to be relevant in of itself. But as respondent Nancy points out above, violence is a human issue not an issue that relates to only one sex. Hear me out before you assume I’m another defensive… Read more »
wayne— in the body of the story is the author’s name and bio:
Christopher Kilmartin is a professor of psychology at the University of Mary Washington and maintains a small private therapy practice. He is the author of The Masculine Self (4th edition) and co-author of Men’s Violence Against Women: Theory, Research, and Activism.