“Wow! That reply to my incendiary comment about a polarizing topic totally changed my perspective! I feel better about myself and people as a whole!”
~ No one, ever.
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I was at a bar with a few friends during a visit to New York City. An acquaintance asked if she could borrow my phone—hers had died, and she wanted to call another of my friends, with whom she had been romantic. I say “had been” because apparently something had happened before she moved to New York City the week prior.
“Why do you want to call him?” I asked her.
“I just want him to understand me!” she replied.
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Actors are taught how to use a character’s words and actions to peel away onion layers of storytelling and psychology to finally find what we call a “motivation.” Motivations can be simple: “Make them laugh,” or, incredibly complex: “Kill the man who murdered my father while avoiding the damnation of my own soul.”
At a workshop, after a rather bad cycle of mock auditions, the guest casting director simply asked one of the actors in the workshop: “What is your character’s motivation?”
Actors (and people) will discover that, when they claim they want the other person to “understand them,” deeper examination will often reveal that what they really want is to recruit, convert or destroy.
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Can you guess it?
“I just want him to understand me!” she replied.
Neophyte actors are taught that “I just want him/her to understand me” is one of the weakest motivations to play. It’s a surface-level objective that is not only uninteresting to watch as an audience member, but it’s also never a character’s actual objective. This is an incredibly powerful truth when applied to us ordinary beings as well.
Chances are, the person being argued with already understands the argument’s point of view. Let’s look at a polarizing topic which people debate both sides of—gun control and the 2nd Amendment for instance. Both sides’ information has already been laid out, not just once, but several times, so understanding has been achieved by both sides. Getting the other person to understand is impossible: it’s already happened. So why does the argument continue?
One person says guns are dangerous, the evidence is there; another person counters that guns are a right, the Bill of Rights is there. Each one believes an epiphany will sway the other to their camp; if all they really cared about was the other’s understanding, that would be the end of it and they would agree to disagree. However, we often (mistakingly) believe that if people understand us, they’ll also side with us. There is our ultimate goal: we’re not looking for acknowledgement; we’re looking for agreement. What each party really seeks is the validation of their stance, not the understanding of it.
Actors (and people) will discover that, when they claim they want the other person to “understand them,” deeper examination will often reveal that what they really want is to recruit, convert or destroy. This is why arguments often lose track or degrade into name-calling, grammar-policing or other attack tactics.
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The comments section is one issue. Where we must be careful of this is in personal interactions. I asked my acquaintance in New York City what she hoped to accomplish with the phone call—what would his understanding look like? She had no idea. She was a few drinks in, she was hurt, and understandably she wanted to hurt her estranged boyfriend.
We do this all the time. We increase our volume or intensity, like that had anything to do with the validity of our point (the angrier I get, the truer it must be). In the dreaded comments section, this leads to people talking IN ALL CAPS.
What we can do to avoid this is twofold: self-examination is key, first. Before responding to or creating an incendiary comment, ask yourself, “What am I doing? What am I hoping to achieve?” If you’re presenting information you feel another party doesn’t have, then present the information and move on. If you find yourself saying, “I want them to understand,” then look a little deeper. Take a few breaths.
Knowing the motivation allows one to make a more informed choice; will anything you say or do actually change that person’s mind? If you’re about to make a comment that is intended to cut up someone’s argument, and you’re okay with that, then by all means, cut away. But at least be aware of your intent. You may do more harm than you can imagine.
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Photo: mdanys/Flickr
I don’t know. When I argue on line I don’t tend to do it to change the mind of who I am arguing with. I mostly do it to test/ refine my argument, but also more importantly to present my argument to the other people reading the fight. I don’t care about convincing you. I just want to show why my argument is better to the 10 people watching.
Whether face-to-face, on the phone, online, or in a comment – asking ourselves what we expect to accomplish makes sense.
As you say, in some instances we’re venting or releasing in some way, with little control or none at all, and that’s the extent of it. Imagining the possible outcomes takes our remarks another step – imagining the harm that can occur, but also alternative forms of communication (as in resolving conflict) that may be more effective.
Very thoughtful piece.