How can men feel good about themselves as caregivers and homemakers?
This post originally appeared at home made dad.
The foundation on which successful parenting and homemaking is based is your self-esteem as a parent. If you feel good about yourself and and your place in the world, you will be better able to support your family in their growth.
Yet, primary parenting—the role we used to (and still largely do) equate with being a mother—has never had the respect in society of being a lawyer, doctor, investment counsel, business owner, professor or any number of other career choices. In general, care-giving and homemaking is under-valued work, whether we are talking about nannies, daycare workers, or elementary teachers. These roles are generally filled by women, they are paid poorly and receive little respect.
So, how can we as men feel good about ourselves as caregivers and homemakers in the face of all this social disrespect?
I’m not going to lie—it’s not always easy. Some days, I feel great about having the best job in the world. (Great gig if you can get it, I say.) Other days, I feel like this is the only gig I could get.
When I get to feeling this low about it, I return to my first principles of parenting for my inspiration and sense of self-worth:
- Pay it forward—The care and love and attention you pay to your kids today will one day be reflected in their ability to love and nurture their own offspring and will contribute to making them healthy, productive people when they grow up.
- Be the best you can be—No matter what you do, be good at it. Learn to prepare the family’s favourite meals well, clean a bathroom thoroughly, and iron a shirt properly. Know your kids’ favourite playgrounds and playmates. Be the most patient and attentive parent you can be.
- Change the world for the better—Even at the level of our family and home life, what we do affects others and the greater world around us. By being the best primary parents we can and striving for respect in this role, we can change how our kids, their friends, their friends’ parents and our community sees our role.
Hopefully, when you are feeling similarly low, these ideas will help you feel better about what you’re doing to make your kids’ and families’ lives as rich as they can be.
Photo — AdamSelwood, Flickr
About Jay Palter
I confess, I couldn’t actually read this. So many women have gotten caught in the house husband bullshit trap. All it means is you have one extra child. He has little or no income and you get home at 8 or 10 pm to a filthy home, neglected children, no food. There is no partnership involved.
.. What the glurp? Maybe you shouldn’t lump every male primary parent together? I hope you trip into a puddle today, what is this.
Actually, my dad was a stay-at-home dad for a while. You know what? He was actually not that good at it! So my parents came up with a different thing. How odd that I can still imagine there being awesome house-husbands, since I’ve obviously seen first-hand how men screw up everything that has to do with responsibility and child rearing..
Angela, you’re bad for my career. shut it.
@Angela … A man who has chosen to be the primary caregiver is far different then a man who is unemployed and has become that caregiver as a default position.
As they say, what goes around comes around. If I remember correctly, in the 60’s there was a big movement that pushed for the freedom of women and the battle began regarding the unrealistic expectations placed on women by oppressive men in society. Men who worked all day and expected to come home to a clean house, dinner and the table, laundry done and kids bathed and ready for bed. What happen? Double standards? God forbid that any man say something like she “has little to no income.” WOW
And BTW, the stereotype still exists. Couple with no kids … she stays at home and doesn’t work, she’s made a choice as a “home maker.”, he stays at home and doesn’t work, he’s a bum without a goal.
One last thing …. Jay, Your kids are happy, then it doesn’t matter, you’re doing great!
I read a lot of articles these days by men who are stay at me dads but hardly ever anything from their wives. It is an interesting social change. I know four women whose husbands are staying home with the kids, and all 4 women have very mixed feelings about it. Honestly they seem embarrassed about it and they speak of their husbands with a note of disrespect sometimes. They say things like, “I know it’s great for the kids but I wish he had more ambition” or “I really hate putting in so many hours to pay the mortgage, I wish he would contribute financially” or “I always thought I’d be the one who got to take care of the kids, I’m so disappointed with my life right now.” one friend in particular is very bitter about the situation right now but is afraid to get divorced because she knows her husband will fight her for custody and spousal support (interesting how the shoe is on the other foot!). He’s been the primary parent for 10 years. So, now she’s having an affair. In fact, when she talks about her marriage, she sounds like a lot of 40ish guys I know. There’s no sex, she feels her spouse doesn’t appreciate her, and she’s worn out by the burden of supporting everyone financially.
I agree with Sarah that this would be a most interesting and enlightening perspective. I remember seeing similar examples to those which Sarah cites in Sandra Tsing Loh’s famous “getting divorced” article.
I came across some comments from some career women seriously grateful for their stay-at-home husbands before I ever found this site. I would be grateful. It’s probably a matter of whether the situation is a choice that both parents wanted to make, or something that just happened as a result of the finances and luck with employment. Sarah, reading between the lines, it sounds like the friends you’re talking about didn’t choose to be in the situation they’re in.
Jay, you’re my hero! (:
Now, there’s a comment I LOVE! Thanks, Jen.