On being divorced, and how it has helped me stay committed to my marriage and my daughter.
This article originally appeared at Faith Permeating Life and is a part of the What Marriage Means to Me series.
It might sound funny to most people’s ear, but two years beyond my divorce I am still committed to my marriage, or at least to the parts that survive outside of the severing of our committed relationship to each other. Suzanne and I were together for 17 years, and as she told me not that long ago, “we had a good run.”
We have an incredible daughter who we both love dearly, and Alex represents one of those facets of our marriage that goes beyond our permanent separation, as does the friendly relationship Suzanne and I still share. To say we are friends might be a bit misleading; in fact, friendship between us gets pretty confusing at times. Sometimes when the three of us are together it feels quite wonderfully, in fact, like we are as we once were—a mostly happy little family. That feeling can be confusing to Alex as well, so a bit of a separation, the subtle distinction between friendship and being on incredibly friendly terms, seems to work best for all of us.
On a lovely summer’s day I made a commitment to Suzanne, and to marriage, and Suzanne made the same commitment to me. When our marriage ended, the commitment to each other went away; in fact, it went away long before we divorced. We had been together for a long time and we were both afraid to separate but unable to rectify the problems in our marriage that were ripping us apart. We were scared for some very valid reasons; my bipolar made me a bit unpredictable in terms of earning a living, and ultimately the divorce, in part, led me down a path to homelessness. We were still friends, so that made it even more difficult to separate, and the prospect of being alone, single parents and starting over seemed quite daunting.
Even at the worst moments of my circumstances our commitment to marriage, to the incredible “product” of our marriage—our wonderful daughter—was never severed. Every Sunday for 10 months before I got my own apartment, Suzanne would let me hang out at our old house and spend the day with Alex.
The storm, the catastrophe, the madness that finally severed our commitment to each other forever was not pretty, but with a lot of effort and love for each other and a deep love for Alex, Suzanne and I have kept our commitment to marriage alive in Alex; our marriage vows in this case survived our legal separation. Alex’s survival, her wellbeing, her happiness is something we consciously chose not to allow ourselves to sever. In a society where children are often nothing but accessories or human pets, something to show off just while they are all cute and cuddly and then avoid like the plague as they grow out of their cherubic cuteness, such a commitment seems quite often very few and far between. Both Suzanne and I know that we will always have to work hard to make sure we do not fail our daughter by divorcing ourselves from the commitment we made to Alex, to our family, not just on our wedding day but several years later when she was conceived.
So many people I meet are shocked that I like my ex-wife, shocked that we get along incredibly well. It seems de rigueur in our culture to not like your ex. I loved my wife; we shared something so special we chose to get married. Not liking her seems inconceivable and quite immature to my mind. In fact, if you knew the details which led to our divorce (details which are quite sordid by the way), you might at first blush be shocked yourself that we can even be in the same room together, let alone on friendly terms.
In my opinion we need to as a society realize that marriages are quite likely to fail, and we should be educating and preparing our children from an early age of that fact. We should be teaching them for how to deal with this separation if and when it occurs. We should also teach them strategies for a healthy and successful relationship as well. We also should be teaching them that having children is a lifelong commitment.
Divorce counseling prior to the wedding ceremony might be a buzzkill, but it might also make for a much healthier separation, which can greatly benefit, as I have stated, any children that the relationship might produce. Understanding that having children with someone, married or not, understanding that in doing so you are committing yourself to a lifelong relationship with that person and the child you have created would be a massive cultural shift. It would, however, to my mind, be one helluva great thing.
You might wonder if I have given up on marriage. The answer is a very definitive no! I am in fact quite certain that I will be married again and my commitment to my new wife will be unwavering. I still believe in real love, in true love, in lifetime love and commitment. I know in my heart that all that has occurred in my life, the pain, the joy, the deeper understanding of love and commitment, the knowledge I have gained from my divorce, will in fact be incredibly beneficial in my next marriage.
I hope to be married in the not too distant future and to live a very long life as an incredibly happy and devoted husband and father totally committed to my wife and the family we will create. I still really want to attend a 50th anniversary party with my soulmate and love of my life. I know that this time we will need just one more piece to guarantee our success, that piece is called unconditional love, and if shared, I envision an incredible lifetime of love waiting just around the corner.
Photo credit: Flickr / madmolecule
For some, it means a rethinking of obligations: https://goodmenproject.com/marriage-2/has-obligation-become-a-dirty-word/
I’m not advocating for naivete, but that oft-used Einstein quote may apply here: One cannot simultaneously prepare for and prevent war, or in this case, divorce. Couples therapy, rather than divorce counseling, before marriage can help couples address the difficulties of commitment early. Because marriage IS difficult, as well as rewarding and fulfilling. If people end up divorcing, the skills they developed in couples work should help them in that process, or they can seek out more counseling at that time. Divorce (and life) are often hard, even in the best of circumstances. We cannot eliminate all pain.
Thanks for your thoughts on marriage and divorce. Although I do not agree with everything you write, it is good to hear the experience of someone who has gone down this road. I think you extend, and practice, the idea that marriage is about romantic love. Very much like the majority of Western society. I’m very old-school in my belief; marriage is not and should not be about romantic love at all, but struggle. Marriage should be hard. It is cutting you out of wood, making you a better person. That process is painful. It goes against our very nature… Read more »
Patrick thank you for your comment. I have to respectfully disagree that marriage “should” be anything. To say it should be hard and a struggle is very sad to my mind. Marriage is hard, it can and often is a struggle as are most things worth having and doing well in life. As far as we know human beings are the only creatures in the entire universe who experience romantic love. Romantic love is a gift to our transcendence from conscienceless animal to a enlightened, creative, conscious beings who not only live life but who can with hard work and… Read more »
Great Story. I too have Bipolar Disorder and became divorced because of it. I am happy to report that I am now happily remarried. So applaud you for believing in the power of love and for being committed to your daughter.
Shawn, My daughter has seen my fall, felt pain, pain that she couldn’t rationalize being so young. My journey from divorce to homelessness to a rebirth of sorts as someone fighting on behalf of those in need has transformed both of us. It has made our bond stronger, our love for each other more precious, but the healing is far from over. I will continue to grow and must work hard to be an even better father in the years to come… I am truly a very lucky man.! Love, wanting love, being in love, loving someone, love is a… Read more »
I have come to believe that unless you have concluded that your relationship is TOTALLY worthless, it is better to identify the good, enjoy it, and work on the weaknesses. Otherwise you are trading problems for more problems. The idea of “the right person” or the utopian marriage is the stuff of fairy tales and Walt Disney…the desire for same has destroyed many homes.
You make an interesting point about what a realistic view of marriage should be.
But what will your vows be to your wife in the event that you get married again?
Most marriage vows have something in them about being committed until death parts them etc.
It will be hard to make that kind of vow but simultaneously make arrangements for a possible divorce.
David,
The key to almost any relationship is great communication. Being realistic about the realities of relationships is I think very important. I think frank honest discussion on the matter could go a long way into helping couples actually negotiate the rough patches all marriages face and it might just help keep them together forever.
Being post-divorce for some 9 years, I wouldn’t advocate “divorce counseling” as such. In my case, my former wife convinced herself (and others around her) that I am some kind of pariah. She’s deeply unhappy with her life, needing something new or exciting that 18 years of marriage couldn’t apparently provide. Further, having not had a father figure and, potentially having been abused, at some level, by her adoptive father (possibly his sons too) this clearly affected her attitudes towards men. She has never spoken to me in 8 years. I cared for our sons. Her support is having them… Read more »
Andy, I’m six years “out” and much of what you state describes my situation…not quite as severe, but my wife and I, who are well-educated and birthed a son who graduated high school last week, really don’t HAVE a relationship any longer, as much as I have attempted reconciliation, on a “friend, co-parent” basis. However, like the author, I still “believe” I will be a husband again, and will do so with a love and commitment I never gave to my ex-wife. I rather think that pain is the greatest motivator of all, and the more suspended your pain, the… Read more »
Don, It is a very challenging situation to be sure. When I remarry I plan on making a full commitment to my wife, the family we will create and our marriage. I do not feel there would be any conflict in a healthy discussion of how we might prepare and deal with the possibility of a separation. I think it is very important to be great friends before you take the plunge into total commitment to each other. There are however no easy solutions. Leading by example, doing the right thing in even the worst situation can go a long… Read more »
Thanks for sharing. Stories we share heal. I too divorced – last year. I am also bipolar ii. I am also a recovering alcoholic. My side of the street was a mess. When I stopped drinking my mind was let loose and I went nuts. I’m a world apart from the image of myself this time last year. I was jobless, unemployment was about to run out, and I was still living with my ex to take care of the boys and I had nowhere else to go at the time. Amazingly she and I get along well enough for… Read more »
Speaking about it, sharing it is very healing to be sure. thank you for sharing your very personal story so openly. I am so glad you are doing so well.
My life has been completely transformed as well. I am I feel the luckiest man alive. I have fantastic friends and supporters. My friends and colleagues Dr. Dominica McBride president of the HELP Institute where I am director of development, and Steven Cofrancesco the CEO have put tremendous faith in me and my abilities to help their incredible nonprofit help to empower more individuals, families and communities!
A great story. We live in a culture which encourages divorced couples to be in conflict. From the tendency of friends to “pick sides” to the legal challenges that face divorced parents the landscape is covered in hidden land mines. But there is one sure way to clear and mines and take back our lives. And that is for divorcing parents to understand that the end of a marriage is not the end of family. By focusing on our children and putting them first the right answers then come. As a society we have to put aside all the fear… Read more »
Thank you Mark, I love your line ” And that is for divorcing parents to understand that the end of a marriage is not the end of family. ” you totally nailed it. That is exactly the point I was hoping to convey.
Thank you for being so open about your bipolar illness, homelessness, and divorce…I would like to hear more about your stories…. My BFF was married to an amazing man (also bipolar) for 11 years and produced an loving, genius teen…they have been divorced for several years now but I think he hasn’t accepted that she has moved on in her life without him (they are both remarried with various step kids between them)….As part of his mental disorder and his unwillingness to let go of her, he constantly hauls her into court to argue about child custody and visitation issues… Read more »
Thank you for your very powerful comment. Our culture seems to skew toward divorce having to be this tremendously hurtful punishing ordeal. I think if one tries to remember why and how you felt about the person when you first connected especially if children our involved and work from a place of love you can get through almost anything.
You can read a fair bit more about me at http://www.imfromnothing.com.
I’m semi-glad I have found bloggers like you.
I am in high school, not 18 & I am one of the people that learned that not all marraiges will resemble a fairy tale. I’ve seen the misery through the form of television, films, and living with my parents since I was born.
I’m always worried that in the near future, I could end up as depressed as a sitcom character.
But I do want to believe that there is a middle ground.
I do want to be adored sometimes. And I dont want to hide my emotions out of fear.
Troy, thanks for commenting. I think you’ll find this a community of people who share many common experiences. If you ever want to write about yours, email me at [email protected]. Take care.
Thank you for commenting Troy. I am not exactly sure of your situation but I hope my words have helped. If you would like to talk about the issue more I would be happy to continue the discussion with you.
If i can help you find some resources to speak to someone with more knowledge of the issue I would be happy to try to help you find them.
It was great to hear from you, your perspective and input is very much appreciated.
I’m in the middle of a divorce and it’s a very similar situation. My soon to be ex and I get along well, and most of the anger and bitterness that was starting to be the cornerstone of our marriage has dissipated over the period of our now 10 month separation. This is due to conscious decisions we had to make. I made the commitment soon after she left me that I would not hate my wife, nor would I do or say anything to demean her in front of anyone, especially our two kids. I owned my mistakes fully… Read more »
Thank you Joshua, I think the simple act of you and I speaking about the issue in this positive light can really make a difference. I hope you can spread you wonderful perspective on divorce far and wide.
I think this piece is beautiful and spot on. My husband was married prior to me and he and his ex wife continued to work together after their separation to raise a beautiful daughter whom I love and am lucky to have in my life.
Thank you Sarah for you kind words. Writing about my situation really helped me solidify my ideas about marriage and commitment. I’m a very happy people are finding it meaningful.