What’s Your Whiskey? A (Questionable) Guide

whats-your-whiskeyJarad Dewing comments on the whiskey (and whiskey cocktail) suggestions of a well-known Las Vegas casino.

This infographic comes courtesy of Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas, sent specially to me to share with all of you because I suppose they wanted free publicity. Nonetheless – it’s pretty and it’s interesting.

What's Your Whiskey? [Infographic] | Palms

Two out of the three drinks they list as for The Manly Man contain maraschino cherries. I’m sure this is just a matter of personal taste, but I never want fruit in my drink unless it’s muddled to an unrecognizable state of pulp. Like I said, that’s just me. Ten dollars (because that’s just how much I happen to have on me, and probably how much this drink would cost in a large city) says that the “Old-Fashioned” was included simply because of Mad Men recognition.

Kudos for recognizing that women like whiskey. The women I knew who drank straight Scotch tended to scream “Take off your pants!” at whatever band was playing, but then again they were mostly crazy to begin with and perhaps the whiskey had nothing to do with it. That “Kiss On The Lips” looks pretty damn good to me (minus the cherry, obviously) because I love apricots and whiskey and kissing.

Apparently there is such a thing as “sausage-infused whiskey.” I… I don’t even know how that would work. Throw some raw pork and fennel in the still and hope for the best? If by “adventurous,” you mean “you could end up in the ER pooping yourself to death,” then I guess that’s a marketing strategy? I do, however, love that there’s absolutely no reference to the skewer in that “Forty Creek Caesar,” clearly impaled with shrimp and steak and what could possibly be a dried apricot. That’s a meal in a glass, folks.

I’m going to skip the Youngster section because I am old and also those are terrible drinks. There is no good reason to do an “Irish Car Bomb,” not even on Saint Patrick’s Day, which every true drinker knows is Amateur Hour. You will end up breaking your foot on a swingset in a total stranger’s yard, three miles from home, and hobbling back to your dingy apartment because you shouldn’t drive and you can’t walk on the sidewalks either because you might sway into cars and errgghhhh this ditch is wet and cold and cattails keep swiping you in the face. Lesson learned, kiddos.

Palm’s Signature Drinks are a bit beyond my ken, except to say that Jim Beam’s “Devil’s Cut Bourbon” is exactly what it claims to be – a hellishly delightful shot of Americana that oddly makes me want to play the fiddle. Looking at the ingredients, I’d personally replace the mint with fried rosemary. Again, just me.

Luckily for the Palms, their seasonal drinks are a helluva lot more spot-on than their gender-binary concoctions. Juleps and mulled cocktails are essentially foolproof. Eggnog’s a no-brainer. But this raises the question – why is it so easy to formulate delicious libations based on seasons, but not on gender? Could it be that seasons, quarters of the year in which we expect to find particular climates but often are surprised by the variations, are more reliable than gender?

What are your favorite whiskeys or whiskey drinks? How do you feel about classifying cocktails as Manly or Girly? Drinks for thought, my luscious lushes. Leave ‘em in the comments.

Photo via libraryrachel/flickr

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Comments

  1. Brian Pass says:

    The Manhattan recipe should lose the cherry and grenadine, in favor of a simple orange twist. Also, Rye only.

  2. Good whisky, no ice, a few drops of water, hold the rest.

  3. May we discuss vodka or gin instead? The older I’ve gotten, the less I’ve enjoyed dark liquors and wines. More adulterants = More congeners = Worse hangover. It disappoints me that so few people seem to have an appreciation for good gin these days. I know the effervescent-piney flavor of juniper doesn’t appeal to many people, but one of the best gins out there (Hendricks) minimizes the flavor of juniper and capitalizes upon aromas and notes of cucumber and rose, which are fairly non-offensive and neutral in comparison to the piquancy of juniper.

    When I do drink whiskey, it’s primarily shot straight or served neat, and my preference is for Irish whiskeys (Jameson is the go-to, but Tullamore Dew is my true whiskey-of-choice if available). Whiskey mixed with anything sweet or tart that doesn’t bear spice well (citrusy-berry-sweet concoctions) are positively revolting in my opinion. If I’m looking for a whiskey mixer, it will usually be root beer, ginger ale, or mulled cider. Whiskey has spicy, smoky, and bitter notes to it generally, which is why I think anything overpoweringly syrupy or sour just doesn’t compliment its flavor well. The mere thought of a whiskey sour these days turns my stomach.

    Sorry for the alcohol snobbery and excessive verbosity: I work for a winery, so doing that is kind of what pays my bills.

  4. Pretty sure you do not put a maraschino into an old-fashioned ಠ_ಠ

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