A Married Man’s Sexual Epiphany

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About Steve Horsmon

Steve Horsmon is a certified, professional Life Coach and founder of www.Goodguys2Greatmen.com

As an expert on relationship issues affecting single, married, and divorced men, Steve emphasizes the importance of men achieving clarity of their personal values – or Masculine Operating Principles. In addition to making commitments for personal improvements, his clients are also expected to become serious students of women, the nature of emotional safety, and human sexuality.

Using his consistent message of “we are absolutely equal, but we’re not the same”, Steve helps men choose to make changes within themselves that can lead to mutually rewarding intimate relationships with women. These changes are for one reason only - it helps them become the man they want to be.

Find more information and an extensive blog archive at www.Goodguys2Greatmen.com


  1. Exactly. When a man transitions from being a child / responder (to his parents) into a testosterone-based initiator of love, (even at times he thinks she might not deserve it), respect, cherish, caring, listening, working hard for the team, and other good character traits, his estrogen-based wife will respond in kind….and will be extremely sexually attracted to him.

    She will respond so well, in time (after he earns it), she will initiate, and love him back, even at times she might think he doesn’t deserve it.

    End result: Total mutuality, where the couple themselves can no longer tell who is initiating and who is responding, the back and forth flows so seamlessly (on net). Initiator / responder is only for male/female relationships, bonded by sex. Women initiate on their own just fine in the workplace, in academia, and as parents.

    Children of both genders are responders. Male children have not gone through puberty yet to become fully-testosterone-based yet. Embedded is a difficulty: Only males must transform from responders to initiators. Females remain responders. Perspective: Those who are gifted much, have greater responsibilities. For the great giftie of the penis, larger stature, and stronger musculature (in addition to most of the earning power still today as evidenced by things like only 18 of the Fortune 500 firms have female CEOs), men have the responsibility to lead in love and cherish. Studies show that those who feel loved and supported are more productive, in every way.

    Barrier to understanding and wholeness: The maturity it takes to endure the lag times while a husband is initiating. It takes more investment time than most men expect. That’s where coaching comes in – to help a man stay the course.

    Examining the flip side: If the wife is required to initiate too much (on net), then she’s de facto in the mother role, and her husband is in the child role. Over time, who can maintain the hot hornies for their de facto son? No one. (Or very few.)

    Then, because this axiom of initiator/responder is not known, her waning sexual attraction is blamed on her too. (Childish people blame shift instead of exploring how they may have contributed to a problem.)

    She even blames herself, often. Double and triple whammy. Marriage breaks apart….because the real causes have not been pinpointed, therefore real solutions can not be employed.

    Initiator / responder is extremely simple. However, it’s excruciatingly difficult to execute. (And that’s where support coaches come in.)

    The end result, total mutuality and teamwork with one’s life mate (and a hot, wonderful sex life…for life), is worth it…to those who believe in transcendent morality, which includes following through on promises (like wedding vows), especially when there’s children involved, watching and learning by example.

  2. While it sounds sexy and attractive to not care and not want, I think that is not easy to do, especially in an exclusive relationship. I’m sure it would be easier to be indifferent about any woman, for a single guy who imagines other women are available, eventually.

    I think what makes modern marriage harder than a few generations ago is that men used to believe there were two kinds of women————-those who lust & enjoy lust and the marrying kind.

    Because almost every couple of this generation had romantic sex before marriage and in the early years of marriage, the modern husband knows his wife used to desire and enjoy him, but got over it.

  3. Some good points. But there’s nothing on this site about Mixed Orientation Marriages, and that’s where I’m at. My wife came out to herself and me in May after 33 years of marriage. Honestly my first reaction was one of compassion for the immense suffering that has been hers, since when she was young, and first felt same sex attractions, that was unthinkable. Completely outside the realms of possibility. So she’s struggled with these feelings, endured several tormented friendships, and one very brief affair (sex but little love). I was and am shattered, but supportive. We’ve talked more than ever before. I think we were both in denial. A low-sex marriage has become a no-sex marriage. There’s no new close friend in sight for her, and she’s not looking, though I’ve told her that at least part of me wants her to know the joy of a totally giving sexual relationship. We are in therapy, together and separately.
    I would like to believe that young people today are freer to explore their sexuality; that they are less likely to repress their true orientations; and so that they are less likely to find themselves in the uncomfortable place that we are in!
    I’ve found VERY little help, support or advice for straight men married to lesbian wives trying to make a go of their marriage. My low sex-drive wife seems to have struggled against ‘wrong desires’ for so long that she’s succeeded in killing ALL desire. So I’m struggling with how to make love to a low/no desire lesbian wife. Or do we have to part, or only stay together with opening up our marriage to other partners (on one side or both)?
    We are both in a process of mourning. She is mourning the lesbian love that she never had (and never plans to have), and I’m mourning the loving exchange of desire that is the normal part of most marriages.

    • That is such a difficult situation. But I must say I respect you immensely for the thought and tenderness with which you approach it. Good luck and best wishes to you both, my friend.

    • Brassyhub, my heart goes out to you. But I don’t think there’s much hope of you ever having the marriage you (currently) want. I’m the child of a mixed-orientation marriage (father bi/gay, mother straight with low sex drive), and my parents absolutely loved each other and were both devoted to making the marriage work. My mother even consented to my father having extramarital affairs with men, although she grudged it. You know what? It didn’t really work. She wanted ultimately a husband who really desired HER and who didn’t need to live a double life. He wanted a wife and kids, but also exciting sex with the people he really desired, and he resented her sadness. I see that you’re not in precisely the same situation, but I’ve rarely seen a mixed-orientation marriage work (no matter how much they love each other), and the only time I’ve seen it happen, both spouses were more oriented towards polyamory than monogamy. Best of luck to you and to your wife.

  4. Thank you. Your insights are right on. Men should pay attention to this wisdom and will reap the benefits.


  1. [...] This piece from Good Men Project really piqued my attention, so I figured I’d share and see if you felt the same way.  The idea is that, while a lot of relationships end up lacking in sexual passion, it’s not exclusively the fault of the person who is seen as holding back or withholding sex. [...]

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