A friend excitedly told me today that he had an epiphany over the weekend…but he thought that was probably just her stage name. Sorry. That one has always cracked me up!
What’s an epiphany anyway? It’s a sudden realization. It’s a spontaneous understanding. It’s a BFO—A Blinding Flash of the Obvious!
Your transition from horny to happy is based in your transition from expecting things from your wife to expecting things from yourself.
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So when a man has a sexual epiphany, he has finally pieced together the puzzle that reveals the truth about his path to passion—the path to more intimacy. The truth about his path to passion? I know. Sounds a little much, but bear with me for a minute.
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Since before we were born, we men have been aware of our emerging sexuality. Sonograms have proven that we become “in touch” with our pleasure points right from the start.
If you are like most men, and like me, a large part of your life has been spent thinking, wondering, and worrying about how those pleasure points will be satisfied. You likely imagined that the solution was ultimately in the control of others—specifically, women.
The sexual epiphany I am talking about is the point in a man’s life when thinking, wondering, and worrying changes into leading, romancing and enjoying. This epiphany does not just happen with age. It must be earned. It is simple but not easy. If it were easy, every guy would be doing it and would be happy with his sex life.
A Personal Transformation
Your transition from horny to happy is based in your transition from expecting things from your wife to expecting things from yourself. This personal transformation is part of the journey which is full of surprises.
This change brings the brand new benefit of having more self-confidence, more self-respect, and more control over your emotions.
When you discover these feelings and learn how to consistently expect them of yourself, something else changes. I hear this from frustrated wives all the time.
Your sex appeal shoots through the roof! You achieve the status of “sexy man”. Your wife sees you in a new attractive light which is the only light that allows her to see you this way. In fact, many other women notice as well—wherever you are. You morph into that man other guys envy and women adore. And until now, you had no idea that it had everything to do with how you think about yourself.
What happened to you? You are no longer an unattractive, adolescent-minded guy whose emotional and physical satisfaction are controlled by others and what you can get from them. You have become a man who now knows his old sexual neediness came from a place of weakness. Your new strength is an aura of masculine confidence which allows you unapologetically to admit that you want passion but clearly don’t need it. Now this is attractive!
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A man with a sexual epiphany accepts his role as leader of the “romance department” and the “good feelings department”. He is patient, loving, and giving as he shapes the new environment that he wants to live in. These are the values he now holds as important, and she loves them.
His epiphany is crystal clear. His first priority is to create and maintain an emotionally safe, trusting, and loving environment for himself and his wife. His second priority is to invite her to join him in building the powerful emotional and physical connection they have both always wanted. All he needed was to finally get the order straight!
That’s right. She wants exactly what he wants. She just needs him to understand how she arrives there.
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This article originally appeared on GoodGuys2GreatMen and is republished on Medium.
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Am I missing something? All I’m getting are abstractions or vague suggestions for attitudinal changes. “Your transition from horny to happy is based in your transition from expecting things from your wife to expecting things from yourself.” OK, what are they–those things you start expecting from yourself? “You likely imagined that the solution was ultimately in the control of others—specifically, women.” This seems to be a clue: Stop seeing women as the solution to your sexual satisfaction. OK, then what IS the solution? “The sexual epiphany I am talking about is the point in a man’s life when thinking, wondering,… Read more »
A very late response to a very thoughtful comment. Sorry about that. Some of the cryptic writing in article like this are intended to create curiosity and potential clients. It’s a sales pitch with nuggets of quality content and wisdom. It can piss off a reader, I get it. The HOW do you do this answer is contained in much longer books, coaching, and training. I’ve created a lot of free stuff to help with the HOW on my website and YouTube channel. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC13h36xaBvyTPVAES4-4rXw Even there we scratch the surface. As my last video explains, learning HOW involves a much… Read more »
I find this article as contradictory as it is one-sided. First, just as a man grows up when he identifies that his expectations of having to be served sex by his wife are childish, so too does a woman grow up when she stops ignoring a man’s need to experience intimacy as a physical reciprocation of touch and affection. There are two cups in a relationship, and rarely to you find one party is the culprit for not putting something worthwhile in them. Second, safety in a relationship is a shared responsibility, but if a man is shamed by his… Read more »
Husbands will always remember what their wife was like before (and just after) they married her.
Women will often forget being attracted to their husbands, and only find the next guy attractive.
It is cruel evolutionary trick, to mix genes.
Thank you. Your insights are right on. Men should pay attention to this wisdom and will reap the benefits.
Some good points. But there’s nothing on this site about Mixed Orientation Marriages, and that’s where I’m at. My wife came out to herself and me in May after 33 years of marriage. Honestly my first reaction was one of compassion for the immense suffering that has been hers, since when she was young, and first felt same sex attractions, that was unthinkable. Completely outside the realms of possibility. So she’s struggled with these feelings, endured several tormented friendships, and one very brief affair (sex but little love). I was and am shattered, but supportive. We’ve talked more than ever… Read more »
That is such a difficult situation. But I must say I respect you immensely for the thought and tenderness with which you approach it. Good luck and best wishes to you both, my friend.
Brassyhub, my heart goes out to you. But I don’t think there’s much hope of you ever having the marriage you (currently) want. I’m the child of a mixed-orientation marriage (father bi/gay, mother straight with low sex drive), and my parents absolutely loved each other and were both devoted to making the marriage work. My mother even consented to my father having extramarital affairs with men, although she grudged it. You know what? It didn’t really work. She wanted ultimately a husband who really desired HER and who didn’t need to live a double life. He wanted a wife and… Read more »
While it sounds sexy and attractive to not care and not want, I think that is not easy to do, especially in an exclusive relationship. I’m sure it would be easier to be indifferent about any woman, for a single guy who imagines other women are available, eventually. I think what makes modern marriage harder than a few generations ago is that men used to believe there were two kinds of women————-those who lust & enjoy lust and the marrying kind. Because almost every couple of this generation had romantic sex before marriage and in the early years of marriage,… Read more »
Exactly. When a man transitions from being a child / responder (to his parents) into a testosterone-based initiator of love, (even at times he thinks she might not deserve it), respect, cherish, caring, listening, working hard for the team, and other good character traits, his estrogen-based wife will respond in kind….and will be extremely sexually attracted to him. She will respond so well, in time (after he earns it), she will initiate, and love him back, even at times she might think he doesn’t deserve it. End result: Total mutuality, where the couple themselves can no longer tell who is… Read more »
@Julia Byrd: I don’t care much that this kind of reverse onjectification happens,it is bound by hmun nature.I do it all the time.Its the fingerpointing they do that emanates from this place of moral superiority based on gender and race. They should clean up their frontyard before opening their mouths.
I have a slightly different take. If the woman doesn’t like how you are now, yoiu shouldn’t be with her.
@Hank: Good point.
Maybe we should stop thinking as a man or woman, but as a human,
Oh, thank God. Thank you for saying that. As a woman, I was starting to get miffed, reading everyone else telling me what I’m thinking as a woman. How about, ‘I’ll have a fulfilling sexual relationship with you if you meet me halfway as a human being, and just generally take into account my thoughts and feelings as said human being?’. Really, gentlemen, that’s what we want. Not mind games or power struggles. Otherwise, good luck on your nevetending quest for a fulfilling romance.
You know… sometimes it seems from reading these comments that a lot of men have completely given up on the idea of even trying to be attractive to women. I can tell you that from what I’ve read here, and based on my experience with women, GG2GM’s advice (especially the eight bullet points he listed in the comments section) are spot on. Again, this is hard to describe to those not already in the know. It’s not called an “epiphany” for nothing. But you have to want and desire women enough to want to get up and do certain things… Read more »
Is “outcome independence” another way of saying that women are only (or mostly) interested in having sex with men who aren’t really interested in having sex with them…?
Not really. Most women desperately want to have sex with guys that are interested in having sex with them. The kind who don’t are broken in a way that’s not even worth addressing in these comments. But women have to feel like there’s something more to you and to your relationship with her other than a desire to have sex. This is how I like to think about it: If I’m interested in a girl, invariably there is some desire to have sex with her. So I do have a desired outcome in mind. However, I’m not willing to have… Read more »
Yeah, well, then I’ll just leave them to have sex with the men they are interested in. Thank you.
@Julia Byrd: You are so right. I think I have found a partner who fits that description. She said to me, ” You know if you fall in love with me, make me a promise, don’t tell me you love all the time! I only need to hear it once or twice a year,I will know by how you treat me.” I don’t have to jump through the usual hoops you and I are so familiar and have become so frustrated with. And, get this, she doesn’t believe in the romance nonsense! There are alternatives for men that are not… Read more »
@ogwriter…
“There are alternatives for men that are not being discussed on this thread that should be.”
There are many. Men need to think outside the box, much like the PUA. However, I am NOT an advocate of the PUA methods and tactics (what little I know of them).
Good luck with those finals Bro! Always great to hear from you. While we don’t always agree, I can honestly respect where you’re coming from on a lot of things.
Cheers!!!
@Julia Byrd:Hey man! Oh yeah, one of my former athletes/men-tee,Damian Lillard was named NBA Rookie of the year. How cool is that! Hey man, check out the rapper who says he was raped on stage while performing, thread. I would love to get your opinion.
@ogwriter… I just read that piece. It has been 6 days and Mr. Reece has not responded to you post. I find that amazing! As you noted in your comment, white women really do think ALL men want them. They also have this attitude that ALL men of color desire them. I really cannot stand when a white woman approaches me and I know he sole motivation is because she sees me as novelty. The whole thing is just so twisted in my mind. How can you (a woman) want to have sex with a man just because of his… Read more »
@Tom: Whats up? The relationship is going well and I can’t wait to tell about it. I have finals this week. I will hit you later. Peace, Angel
@John Gottman: The fact that only a few can love unconditionally is proof that it is a rarity among humans. Jesus tried what you say and he lived The entire history of the world has been shaped by war , slavery, pillage, etc. I get the whole positivity thing, but to be enlightened one be free from the known.. You give people false hope which creates the kind of expectations you say are not good and need to be controlled. For instance, who says that anyone should have the right to be happy all of time? Once again this creates… Read more »
This discussion can be looked at a few different ways. If I want something, it is in my best interest to do reasonable things (that aren’t compromising any part of my integrity) in an effort to get what I want. To paraphrase the author, acting in accordance with one’s values is never wasted effort, regardless of the outcome. In any endeavor where I need someone else’s involvement, be that at work or talking to customer service about a bill or whatever, I expect myself to respectfully and considerately pursue my interests. Why wouldn’t I apply that same process to my… Read more »
Thank you Adrian, for an answer well written.
@Adrian… “Why wouldn’t I apply that same process to my long-term relationship?” Because the success rate is low! I spent over a decade in college earning a BA, MA, MS MPhil (Victoria University of Manchester). Why? Because I was passionate about the subject matter and I KNEW their would be a great payoff. Yes, to be successful you have to plan. You can do all this stuff the author suggest and it is often futile. More often than not it will be. However, what the author is suggesting is simply unacceptable (to me). Men and women must be responsible for… Read more »
@Julia Byrd,
Kissing her ass (in the figurative sense) wouldn’t be consistent with my values. I would respectfully and considerately pursue my interests, and if my pursuits fail, I’d pursue elsewhere.
Adrian, You asked about how your own personal feelings fit into this, and I think it’s a good question. To be honest, from a purely seduction/attraction standpoint, sharing too much of your feelings too early in the relationship is generally a bad idea. People will argue with me all night and day on this, but in my experience, the more aloof and non-needy I am early in the relationship, the more likely it is the girl will stick around for the long-haul. However, once the relationship is established, I think you have to figure out for yourself where to draw… Read more »
Maybe you don’t have a lot of girlfriends because you want them to cook, clean, and and do your laundry, and then meet your other “needs”. No thank you. This is 2013 not 1956.
If a man truly doesn’t care about being attractive to others or having an active sex life, then why would he care about having a lover, girlfriend or wife/spouse to try and keep happy anyway?
Excellent question. It sounds like we’re supposed to be independent, not for our own sake but to please other people. Seems like if this really was about self-empowerment and self-fulfillment the author could also recommend getting a divorce or separation, since those are also ways to take time to find yourself.
I do…quite often… when a guy has worked his ass off and finally reaches the point of ultimatum. Totally different article…but you’re right.. A man who has done all he can do to improve himself and to meet her needs will need to move to the ultimatum step and give her a choice. In or out? Same applies to women. A man or woman who wants a healthy, happy, loving, respectful, and sexual marriage needs to consider other options when their partner continually chooses to act in ways opposite of those values. I believe, however, that giving an ultimatum should… Read more »
Yet, in the article you say that a man should improve for himself. Not for a woman or any other person.
So why should a man do all he can to meet the needs of another person, while at the same time expecting nothing (perhaps not even respect or decent treatment) in return?
Flying Kal, good question. In my last long-winded response on this thread, I’ll try to clarify. Short answer, he doesn’t! Caveat: This applies to a desire for a healthy, happy, loving, respectful, sexually passionate, COMMITTED relationship. 1. The first reason a man should seek to improve himself is to align his deepest personal values and goals with his actions because HE wants to be that man. (easy example: the guy who decides he is the guy who ALWAYS puts his shopping cart in the cart corral, not just laying around the parking lot) He wants to improve for his own… Read more »
I’ve been thinking a lot about this over the two weeks since our last discussion (I’ve been hiking in the mountains, among other things. One of the things I’m passionate about.) First I actually thought that you were right, with the caveat that it just doesn’t work for everybody. Now, I’m not so sure anymore. Seems to be a lot of points contradicting each other, about where to focus and how to behave. I could write a very long story, but I really don’t know where to begin. As I mentioned, I stepped out of a long relationship a while… Read more »
“too hard”…
“My message to men is they need to be OK with going first because most chicks really dig that in a man”
I want to ask you, what most guys dig in a woman????
I think this is a great article and highlights some incredibly important things for men on the journey. The unfortunate thing is I think that only men transitioning or who have transitioned into this more post-conventional stage of functioning can actually understand the message! ahh the dichotomy. What I dig in a woman is when she creates a feedback loop with me by letting me know how I impact her. When she seeks connection with me and when she is able to surrender into her natural feminine radiance while maintaining healthy responsibility for her thoughts, words and actions. Thing is,… Read more »
@Steve Horsmon: I counted at least 8 hoops…er recommendations that you listed that men must master before they can arrive in this new better place. As a practical matter, considering that there isn’t much time for reflection in modern American culture, when does the man have time for himself? For the average unaware male, for who the art of self reflection is unknown, It could take a lifetime before he is even ready to focus all of the energy you say is necessary to have a robust sex life at home. Additionally, I fail to understand why a man would… Read more »
@ogwriter…
Ditto Bro!!!
He is assuming “most chicks really dig that in a man.” But, do they dig the man!?
@Julia Byrd: Hmmm. True story. I dated a woman who happened to be white, who liked me mostly because I was black, exotic, dangerous and good looking to her. We were hanging out and she said, for no apparent reason, “You know if Brad Pitt wanted to fuck me, welllll, I would have to.But, I still love you” For me the question and conversation we need to have is as you have stated. Why do many women behave differently sexually with some men than they do their partners and husbands? What is interesting is that the guy at home is… Read more »
ogwriter… what I hear in this is: “I don’t want to change, why can’t she do it?” As if her sexual desire is a switch that she can turn on and off at will. I think it is valid to state if we are going to step up into this higher functioning of maturity to request it of her, and be willing to walk away if she isn’t for someone who will be. The thing is, as we shift into this way of being (as my series is all about that you have commented on) our need to have a… Read more »
Unconditional love and “leading by example” in your relationship or marriage is a MUST for all men. However, don’t you think that at some point, the Law of Reciprocity has to kick in?
How many guys would (or “should”) continue to give and give in their relationships and marriages WITHOUT receiving their wants and needs met in return? Is there a time limit on when he stands up and says “Enough is Enough”?
Or should he just keep giving until he “gives out”?
Hey VUS, Something tells me you already know the answer (for you) having read some of your other responses. ;^) My opinion may be the same as yours. Men and women who are clear on the life they plan to lead and the values they hold dear don’t stay forever with those who act like they want something else. I’m not just talking about sex here, but ALL marital values and desires To your question, a man must define for himself how long is long enough. But, he must follow a process of leading, communicating, escalating, confronting, and eventually giving… Read more »
before I get slammed…the “marital values & desires” I’m referring to are some basic ones:
Mutual respect, acceptance, trust, support, affection, emotional and physical intimacy. I’m sure everyone has their own list of basic, non-negotiable values and desires. I’m in no position to tell others what they should hold near and dear.
@John Gottman: By the way, all of the men who we mentioned who actually practiced unconditional love we all killed for their efforts.
Mother Teresa died naturally, but of the ones who were murdered perhaps they were murdered because their unconditional love and the possibility of it spreading was a threat to the transactional way we have and continue to organize our selves.
@John Gottman: How is it you don’t know much about the very people you have co opted your philosophy from? Jesus Christ invented the concept of forgiveness. Gandhi used it in India to create his nonviolent movement. Mlk a disciple of both men, preacher and an avowed Christian built the Civil Rights movement on the idea of turning the other cheek. Christianity grew out the idea that everyone was deserving of forgiveness. The New Testament is based on this concept. We are not ALL motivated by a belief that life is a zero-sum game. If I was you, I would… Read more »
I am familiar with them but I was not raised Christian nor did I study Jesus or any of the other famous people you mentioned extensively. When you first mentioned them you said that all of them, except maybe Jesus, were mostly *not* unconditionally loving. Since I haven’t studied them extensively I chose not to disagree based on them as examples. My point could be made without proving or disproving that they were mostly unconditionally loving. It’s ironic that you say we are not all motived by a belief that life is a zero-sum game because when you first started… Read more »
This site might be improved if people didn’t post their brochure as comments.
@Hank
? Are you saying some of the comments are way way too long?
I guess I should have been more direct. The basic article is an ad. It doesn’t say anything at all. Some of the author’s comments, without containing much more meaning, then tout his business. I didn’t realize that the author and one of the principal commenters were the same person until I punched through the URL. I’m suspicious of the content in the brochure-like material on the website. I’m enough of a sociobiologist to believe that exuding “character,” if that means being a little more taciturn and jugemental, is going to work with women. Same for “leadership,” if it means… Read more »
Do you question the motives of authors of books, or musicians, or poets or any number of people who make a profession selling ideas?
@John Gottman: 1) I know exactly why the famous people I mentioned were killed, John. That is my point! When someone actually does take the risk to love unconditionally, and, it is rare indeed they can be murdered for doing so. And in fact, that is what we do as cultures. In my mind this speaks volumes as to how culture deals with love and to who we really are. You are naive as evidenced by so much of what you preach. Such as this tripe about how it is possible to be happy in prison. This is spoken like… Read more »
@ogwriter…
I think Dr. King would have called John a white man of goodwill. Yes, he is naive about much.
And you’re right Bro. Challenge everything! this entire piece is nothing more than tripe.
@ogwriter: Not all unconditionally loving people are murdered, maybe the ones that challenge power are, though.. that’s a good point. but just because we have always been one way doesn’t mean we can’t be another way. The fact that some can do it suggests we all can do it and just because that scares people who base their identity and life on being separate to the point that they would kill to protect it doesn’t prove we can’t all do it, it just proves how dysfunctional we currently are, that we would kill someone who just wants to love. You’re… Read more »
@Hank…
Agree. I am just very skeptical and suspicious of the article’s content.
@John Gottman: Before you think to suggest to tell someone who actually has experienced racism and whose people spent hundreds of years turning the other cheek, maybe you will want do some homework first. MLK a famous Blackman who practiced turning the other cheek and whose efforts paved the way for civil rights in this country was shot in the head. Jesus Christ, another slightly famous man who actually created the premise you preach, was horribly, ruthlessly, publicly humiliated , betrayed by a friend, before finally being crucified and left hanging on a cross.A white guy advising a person of… Read more »
From a spiritual perspective, yes, one can be happy in any situation. You can accept the situation you’re in and find peace within while still working to change your situation, but if you are in a prison for example and you can’t get out, thinking about how bad you want to be out won’t get you out, accept where you are for the time being and campaign to get out.
@John Gottman: I didn’t say that humans are incapable of unconditional love. But a human who can be or who does is rarer than hair on a bird. Name one human being that over the course of their lives, more often than not was unconditionally loving.. MLK wasn’t JFK wasn’t, Gandhi wasn’t, Mother Theresa wasn’t, Mohammed wasn’t, King David wasn’t; maybe Jesus Christ was…maybe. How many Mlk’s have there been in the history of the world? How many Gandhi’s? Yet somehow you want me to believe that humans are far more capable than what they have consistently demonstrated over the… Read more »
@ogwriter I don’t know the history of those famous people you mentioned well enough to agree or disagree but it doesn’t really matter whether they or anyone else has or hasn’t been mostly unconditionally loving. You could interpret my answer from my previous reference to the Henry Ford quote. It’s not really about what we have displayed in history as much as it is about the belief in it, practice of it and finally the knowing that comes with it. (which I have experienced) I posted about this in the past on Facebook and I think this will help you… Read more »
@John… “Like whites believe that if minorities gain, they lose, so do we apply the same concept in every relationship we have:” First, only whites in America think this way. It is focused on this obsession by white people over race…Have you ever asked this question? If you have 60% of the population (once 90%), 90% of the wealth, and control nearly ALL the major institutions of power in America, why in the hell would you care about what 10-15% of the population was doing? I asked this to white friends ALL the time. Their answer:oh I guess I never… Read more »
I can’t help but think that most women would read this and nod in affirmation, without any difficulty in understanding the intent (which results in partnership of two leader-givers). Especially those of us who’ve been in less than fulfilling marriages, where we never felt the respect, the welcome of our whole selves, the interest in who we are – male or female – not just what we can provide, in our out of bed.