Favorite toys and a sense of imagination, Megan Rosker writes, are more important than any test score ever could be.
I recently came across Kristin Theiss’s blog klt’s sketchbook. I loved this post about “loveys”, the toys and blankets children carry with them throughout childhood. For my daughter it is her orange blanket, a hand-knit item she has had since birth. Many of us have something. I had a pink rhino that I eventually lost in Houston—when I was 21. OK, it was probably time to let go anyway, right?
Kristen’s post got me thinking about the importance of these objects and of make-believe or “nursery magic,” as she calls it in her post. Are these relationships disposable, easily replaced with cartoonish images of pop toys and groovy TV trends? Or is falling in love with a toy important to how we develop? What kind of children do we raise if they never have the chance to care deeply for a figment of their imagination?
When we push our kids too quickly out of childhood, separating them from their blankies and loveys, we force them to mature too fast. Yet, in our aggressive and paranoid educational atmosphere, there is no place for gentle play and tenderness.
It is so easy, as a parent or teacher, to get caught in the fury and push of educating our children at a younger and younger age, when really, what is the point of an excellent education if we have never learned how to love or care for someone or something else? What are our children going to use their education for? Given today’s push for individual success in the classroom, it seems we care more about the personal future of the individual rather than the success of our culture collectively.
Because our attention has strayed so far from “old fashioned” ideals of childhood, we are now at risk of raising a generation of children who are greatly diminished in their capacity for empathy. We have spent so much time focusing on their success in the future, we missed the importance of what is happening in the present.
It is our capacity to care and innovate for ourselves and others, which makes us truly unique beings. Giving our children the chance to be youthful, to get lost in the dazzle of their imaginations, to fall in love with rocks, books, and stuffed animals, to let them feel the disappointment of losing that one they have care for: all of this deepens our experience as human beings. These are not small, unimportant things. These moments define us far more than any score on a test or letter grade in a class. There is no greater quality we have than the ability to love and care for another. Our focus must be on the success of the individual for the greater good of the society. And not surprisingly, this begins in the smallest moment, like when a child falls in love with a toy.
Kristin shares this beautiful quote from the Velveteen Rabbit:
Real isn’t how you are made” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long time, not just to play with , but REALLY loves you, then you become Real….Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real, you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.
Originally appeared at Let Children Play.
—Photo Flickr/somegeekintn
You’re also confused about what “culture” means. There is no over-arching “American” culture – I prefer the greek “ethos” – , what we hav ise an imperial body-politic ruling a polyglot of many cultures. Society and culture are synonymous, so there is no such thing as a multicultural society, rather there are multi-societal bodies-politic, like ours, what are also called empires. It is not possible to have ethics pertaining to other with whom you have no ethose, no shared understanding of how to order the social world. That is the flip-side of the diversification of any body-politic. Empires are always… Read more »
The ideal you’re describing was how my parents raised me, and it served me quite poorly in preparing me for the real world of cutthroat status-climbing. Although if you have some sort of access to a community sheltered from the broader culture, say, the Amish, this might work.
You can probably do okay by a child teaching them to love if they’re female, but teaching a male to be empathic, loving and kind is straight-out child abuse, as it will eviscerate their ability to compete successfully on the dating scene.
I do not understand at all where you are coming from. I will write a response based on my conjecture alone, but please elaborate on what you mean, and correct me where I am wrong on your opinion. Teaching a male child love, kindness and empathy is abuse? This statement reeks strongly of bitterness. Such traits are crucial to relationships; it’s hard to do that whole ‘relating’ thing without being able to understand someone else’s emotions. I have come to hate the word compete used in conjunction to the dating scene. This mindset of competition only sets men up for… Read more »
I’ve always liked myself. I know plenty of men who like themselves. I also know plenty of men who are miserable and do not lack for dating opportunities. Liking oneself, being friendly and social and getting women to date a man are completely unrelated to each other. I only had a few dates until the age of twenty-seven, despite being athletic, good-looking, friendly and genuinely liking people. At some point, I began to figure that something was seriously wrong with my approach and began asking around to both sexes. It quickly became apparent that, for men, a successful dating life… Read more »
I still disagree. I feel that there are too many factors to count in, and while you may have needed a competitive approach, but I don’t think that it can, does, or even should apply to everyone. I had a boyfriend that had a competitive streak. It was apparent later on in the relationship that his need to “win” led to feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, and insecurity. I found this trait to be unattractive and left him shortly after. I find that most men I meet who are highly competitive to be insufferable. I prefer more emotional, creative types. I… Read more »
I am, by nature, an extremely non-competitive person. It was not until is studiously practiced competitiveness in dating that I had success with women. You, as a woman, are completely clueless as to how it is to function as a man in the dating world. You can only disagree with me because you are a woman and cannot understand what it means to date as a man. Both my wife and I agree that to cultivate non-competitiveness in a man is child abuse, although some men are naturally very competitive and would do well with some training to tone it… Read more »
I would like to point out that, genders aside, you and I are vastly different in our life stages. I am assuming that you are a man in your early 30’s, and I am a 20 year old female. While you have more experience on me, I argue that the experiences that you had in our roughly ten year gap will likely be different than that of my male peers. Your experiences in the last decade are that of a man in an economic boom, where the status quo ruled. My and my peers’ experiences are that of people in… Read more »
“Helping each other” always encounters the free-rider problem. There are only two solutions to the free-rider problem: A) Formal hierarchies B) Very small-scale social units What you’re seeing is that people are gravitating toward the latter as sentimental respect for the former breaks down. That said, we still have a ruling class that benefits through continued enforcement of the former. Why do I pay my taxes? Because if I don’t men with guns will come for me and will kill me if I resist. I feel absolutely no ethical sentiment to pay my taxes, and I often pay for services… Read more »
My kids have loveys too! My daughter has a little bear and my son has a large stuffed snake. It’s amazing to watch them create personae for their loveys. And I think you are spot on with the empathy remark. Being able to imagine what someone else is thinking, real or imaginary, is an important life skill—we are social beings after all.
For me it was carrying around a little stuffed mouse my grandmother made me. I still have her too. She sits on the shelf in my room, and I’d honestly be devastated if I ever lost her.
Your article is “on target” and took me back many years in memories…My favorite toy beginning at the age of 3 or maybe 4 was a small stuffed dog. He was white and very furry in the beginning; however, after many years of love and use, he lost most of his furry coat. I cannot recall how or where I got “Bowser,” but I do recall that as a child I was never withoout him–even to this day, some 62/63 years later, he still occupies a special spot in my heart in my home!
I still have my decades old Koala bear. My father traveled and was constantly on planes. I thought that if I kept Koala by my side, nothing would happen to my Dad. Years later, my kids went through a stage where they had nightmares. I told them the Koala had special powers and would keep them away. So they each took turns sleeping with Koala. And the nightmares vanished. He’s missing a paw, but still available for the grandkids years from now.
This is so nice to read Megan. Thank you! Your pink rhino is smiling right now… 🙂
Hi Megan, These articles sure know how to hit home with me. My son is 38. an R.N., accomplished percussionist, nationally recognized “teck” scuba diver, and active in helping to restore/rebuild live steam engines. (Those 300,00 lb. fire breathing dragons that once roamed this country) His favorite toy was a pelt of rabbit fur, that he slept with for the first 7/8 years of his life. From little, I would tell him stories of all the animals that lived in the woods surrounding our home. He would lay this pelt over his pillow and rest his cheeks on the soft… Read more »