A school teacher realizes that as long as he teaches he will never gain the status of a real American man, someone who really matters.
Real men don’t teach.
At least not real American men. Real American men make money. Lots of it. They make deals and have their secretaries arrange things for them. Real men discuss cars and their second homes, take exotic vacations to places they don’t particularly want to visit but their wives insisted on going.
Real men wear expensive footwear and drink alcohol at pretty much every meal after breakfast. Real men read the business section first and then the sports section or vice versa. Real men care deeply about their favorite sports teams. And they carry their teams’ painful losses around with them for weeks sometimes months—or decades.
Real men drive fast. Real men have no time for small talk. Or children. Though they expect their children to do the right thing. They do not communicate what the right thing is; their children are expected to intuit the correct behaviors by observing their father—who is rarely home.
Real men donate money, but not time, to institutions. Real men serve on boards and occasionally attend church or synagogue. Real American men do not pray at mosques. They would prefer that none exists within their city’s limits.
Real men are politically to the right of center. They trust a man who looks good in a suit. Like Mitt Romney. Who they will vote for him—though women don’t.
Real men are not all that concerned with the future, the environment, small acts of kindness or the world to come. They believe that if there is a hereafter, they’ve done enough good things to deserve a place in it.
Real men worry about their wills and how their money will be spent when they die. They hate the idea that they will die and avoid thinking about it.
Oh yeah, real men are heterosexual. I can’t believe I even included that. It’s a given.
Real men have investments that their spouses don’t know about.
Real men eat meat, regardless of what their know-it-all, whiny physician says at their yearly physical.
Real men are litigators, never mediators or negotiators.
Real men don’t teach—on any level—not even at business or law schools.
Real men deal with facts and figures and products that can be stored in warehouses.
But real men don’t teach. Real men don’t work for the government.
I realized at 19, I was not a real man. And would never become one. I was a student at the University of Texas – Austin and began tutoring kids who lived on the wrong side of tracks. Believe me, in Texas there is a wrong side of the tracks. I knew then I would be a teacher, not a real man, who would have nothing in common with most of his college friends. I knew I would never join them on vacations or live in their neighborhoods or use the word escrow. The problem with being a teacher—with not being a real man, is, and there’s no getting around it—other men don’t take you seriously.
Some of your students don’t even take you seriously.
You teach and encourage and prod and scold and beg and you even take some of these kids home with you, in your mind.
What a teacher does never shows up on the stat sheet. Like setting a pick in basketball.
And here’s the down part of being a teacher, you’re stuck with it. It’s all you want to do; all you can do. In addition to your family, it’s pretty much all you really care about. At some point you ask yourself, “Why?” But by that time, you’re too old to do anything else anyway.
And you know that no matter how well you do your job no one is going to reward you for it. You might get a Starbucks gift card the day before winter break. But that depends on your school’s zip code. Truth is most days you’re just fine with being only a teacher and not really a man.
Today, this morning at 5:42 a.m., is not one of those days. This morning I sit at my desk and question every decision I’ve ever made that led me into teaching.
But in a few hours, I’ll be in my classroom teaching. And I’ll get over it.
A version of this essay originally appeared in the Huffington Post in September 2011.
You should try being an aspiring museum educator!!! After explaining that that is pretty much a teacher who works for and in a museum, I then need to explain why the hell I would want to be a teacher. I agree with your sentiments in this piece. Unfortunately, most men are not skilled at self awareness. If they were, I wouldn’t have to answer the question, “why the hell do you want to do that?” Thanks for the piece!
Yeah it’s amazing how many ways one can be rendered not a “real man”. Quite a few rules and qualifications to make sure men stay in their place and remain useful.
Personally I’m a fan of a man being a man on his own terms.
You chose the way of the teacher. To me that doesn’t make you any less or more of a man.
And shouldn’t someone publish the rules of “being a real man” somewhere. Youth certainly need to know. Thanks for your thoughtful reply. Good ideas to consider for today and beyond.
Ah that would be too easy. Part of being a “real man” is knowing what the rules are inherently or learning them on your own over time.
True. But wouldn’t it but good for say, teenage boys to have some hints. A road map. Some warnings. Something other than Monday Night Football? And cool guys on commercials and the odd uncle or two? Just a thought. Thanks for checking in. That is most appreciated.
Noble? Yeah, I guess that’s a high falutin’ word for “thanks for caring, you get paid with honor and love, but not an salary commensurate with your work and worth.” I am in your corner. Less nobility, strong unions.
By the way, I’ve been teaching for about 15 years, and I get a little pissed when someone refers to it as a “noble profession.” That’s always sounded to me like a pat on the head and a suggestion that I don’t need any pay raise because the job is its own reward. Be happy with what you have, because it’s such a great job, right? No need for a union or anything like that – how about some meaningless statements about how noble your job is? I’d settle for a little less nobility and a little more financial consideration.… Read more »
A little projection there, don’t you think? The word ‘noble’ ranks highly in my vocabulary – no condescension or sarcasm or irony at all.
And speaking as a corporate cold-blooded mercenary – you’ll have to excuse me. i have to chase some widows and orphans out of their hovels. All in a day’s work you know. So little time and so much corporate villainy to accomplish.
Must dash – those widows never know when to give up.
Real men don’t teach? Ouch. That’s going to hurt the feelings of a lot of football coaches in Texas, who think of themselves as educators. Are you saying that coaches aren’t teachers? I’ve never imagined anyone in Texas ever saying such a thing out loud. Brave man.
Steve, I would never hurt the feelings of Texas football coaches. A. I’m from Texas. B. I coached in high school. But I coached basketball, which we know, is not what real men play or coach. In Texas, it’s football and then, well, more football. And of course coaches are teachers. When one plays a sport in school, it’s likely that during the season the athlete spends more time with his/her coach than with his/her parents. So one is learning a whole lot from that person. The good, the bad, and that which should be ignored. Thanks for checking in.
As the wife of a Real Teacher Man, I actually understand what you’re saying. I have had those same feelings of frustration on his behalf. America describes the worth of people by the dollars paid for their labor. Teachers are paid to be young spinster women, and have been from early days. Look at college professors vs. the football coaches at their schools. Which are the Real Men? Of course he could change careers. But that’s not at all how it looks and feels from this end. I just try to help him remember the students who love him to… Read more »
As the wife of a Real Teacher Man, I actually understand what you’re saying. I have had those same feelings of frustration on his behalf. America describes the worth of people by the dollars paid for their labor. Teachers are paid to be young spinster women, and have been from early days. Look at college professors vs. the football coaches at their schools. Which are the Real Men? Of course he could change careers. But that’s not at all how it looks and feels from this end. I just try to help him remember the students who love him to… Read more »
College professors versus college teachers! Aren’t the real men yelling, “Is that how you tackle?” And, of course, very few schools have been put on probation by the NCAA because engineering professors illegally recruited high school students with perfect SAT scores in math.
Thanks for understanding and especially for taking the time to write. So kind of you.
Dennis,
I have taught for nine years and love it.. Thank you thank you thank you. Teachers Rule !!!!
Noblest profession ever. Have you read any Freire or bell hooks and their brilliant takes on teaching ?
If you’ve taught for nine years and love it, believe me, you’ll love it for the next nine or 19. And thanks so much for introducing me to the words of Freire and Bell Hooks. Those are new to me. Thanks for sharing the names and knowledge. That is most appreciated. And thanks for taking the time to comment.
If “real man” is defined the way you describe, then I would prefer NOT to be one, thank you very much. I’ll be my own sort of man. I tend to think that a “real man” doesn’t care if people think he’s one or not, he’s too busy being an actual person. He’s too busy being himself to worry where he fits within ludicrous, arbitrary, impossible definitions.
Men who are obsessed with testing/proving their manliness are by my definition not very manly at all.
I agree with your every word. Thanks for weighing in.
Let me add one thing: I probably fit some of the stereotypes you list – some, not all – and I have never had a low view of teachers. You are preparing our children for the future, which involves courage and sacrifice. Those are two virtues that real men value. And I take it you are part of that group when I say that (the real men, I mean). I will not say anymore about your complaints, which I find irritating. I will say that I do value teachers. More men do than you might think.
Glad you never had a low view of teachers. But of late, a lot of people in the country have. The new stereotype of the BAD teacher has made the cover of Time, Newsweek and the LA Times. Of course, it’s not so much about teachers as it is about privatizing public education so some rich folks grow richer. But that’s for another essay. Thanks for writing in. Appreciate it.
Are these descriptions of ‘real men’ intended seriously? Or is it just misandry? I am completely confused. I am not clear what the message is or why it was written. Surely the author can choose another career at any time? The idea that it’s ‘too late’ is nonsense. Of course you can do something else if you want to. I am assuming you teach because there is something positive about being a teacher for you, somewhere – or at least sometimes. There is no indication of what that is. Is there anything positive about teaching for you? There must be.… Read more »
Hi Tim, you’re first instinct was right. Not intended seriously. Tongue in cheek. Love teaching. That’s why I’ve kept at it for 20 years.