A man’s guide to Aussie animals.
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As a man we have all been dragged around a zoo and had our fair share of photos taken with cute and cuddly animals. Yawn. Sometimes as a man you need to have some man creds when talking to your friends and cute and cuddly just doesn’t cut it. You need dangerous as well.
For example I went scuba diving off the York peninsular a month back saw some fish and was circled by a pod of dolphins for an hour. That’s sort of interesting but if I really want to jazz it up for my friends I can tell them that just 2 miles from where I was diving, a man was taken by a great white shark a week later, they only found his weight belt and one of his fins. It’s just two miles from where we dived. They went looking in the area for the shark to try and cull it and stopped people from swimming in the area for a while.
That’s a much cooler tale than a “stinkin’ dolphin” story and yes it’s true, the beach photo is mine from six or seven weeks ago, two to three miles west of Port Moorowie where the attack happened.
So for those of you in the US thinking of coming to Australia I have compiled a list of dangerous Australian animals that your other halves will probably want a photo with. When you get back home and your partner is showing off your travel photo’s instead of cringing you can nudge your mates and say, that thing there, if I had startled it, it could have ripped my throat out.
1. Koala
Cute and cuddly right, everyone wants a photo with a koala. What the zoo keepers mostly forget to mention is that Koalas live in hard wood trees and have 2 inch claws. The koala’s you cuddle in a zoo probably had a zoo keeper spend three hours with an angle grinder blunting their claws just so some tourists can have a photo taken without major injury (PETA I’m joking the zoo keepers don’t do that, we just plain don’t worry about tourists health and safety). The YouTube video below shows exactly why most Australians are cautious when approaching a koala in the wild. Now some of our American friends may have heard of the term drop bear and have seen us Aussies shrug it off as a myth or a joke, but watch carefully when you camp with Australians, they will never ever camp under a gum tree. I’m not saying the Koala’s are responsible but…
2. Kangaroo
Ninety nine times out of a hundred kangaroos are cute lovable creatures that jump around on two legs. The 100th time kangaroos can maul and disembowel you because, well just because, no one really knows what sets them off. Sometimes they feel threatened if you are silly enough to throw stones or tease them but other times they just decide they don’t like you. They have very powerful legs that end with sharp claws. They balance on their tail and kick you with those claws and if the kangaroo is big enough they have enough force to break ribs and bones. Did I mention that they also grow to be about 6’7″ (2m) tall and weigh 200 pounds (90kg).
YouTube : Kangaroo attacks English tourist
3. Platypus
The platypus is a strange creature, described as a cross between a duck and a beaver. As a rule you probably won’t ever come into contact with a platypus as they are shy retiring creatures and will go out of their way to avoid humans. If you are stupid enough to come across one and pick it up the poison spur on their hind legs will convince you to let them go post haste. This is because the excruciating agony induced by the poison is immediately effective and will leave you incapacitated for weeks.
Now I have always had a theory about bunyips. Bunyips are mythical creatures in Oz that take unsuspecting campers from around billabongs (watering holes). The common folk lore is they are furry creatures with teeth, duck bill, webbed feet and a large tail. Sounds a little like a platypus doesn’t it. Now I am not saying platypus’ take campers at night but circumstantially they do vaguely match the bunyips description and for no earthly known reason they have a poison spur capable of incapacitating people for weeks and are commonly found near slow moving creeks and bilabongs. It wouldn’t be enough to drag them to court but it certainly put’s them in the creature of interest category.
4. Tasmanian Devils
This little 20 pound ball of fury has the strongest bite in the world for its weight ratio. If it weighed the same as a Tiger, its bit would be half and a half times as strong. These little devils are often quite playful but you will notice in the Youtube video that the Zookeeper is quite careful to only put his combat boots into the enclosure.
The plight of the Tasmanian Devil is quite sad, they are going extinct because of a cancer which is transmitted between devils with their bite. You can read more here. They are working on a cure and also isolating a large group of the Devils away from their infected brethren so feel free to donate if you want to help this Iconic Aussie animal.
YouTube : Tasmanian Devil attacks Zookeeper
5. Blue Ringed Octopus
This sea creature made my list because I come across them diving all the time. I want one as a pet, they are simply awesome little things. Unfortunately their venom, secreted by their saliva glands, is 1200 times more toxic than cyanide. There is no known antitoxin developed yet and getting a decent bite from a blue ringed octopus can kill you within minutes. They are found on most rocky reefs around Australia but luckily it is a retiring creature and usually only attacks when provoked. When unprovoked they are an unassuming brown and green color but when disturbed the brown goes very dark and the blue rings turn a really vibrant fluorescent blue.
6. Possum
The possum has an honourable mention due to the fact that these things are everywhere. The native Australian possums live equally well in suburbia as they do in bush land and if they have had exposure to people feeding them they will likely come visiting if you are sitting outside with food. Possums are the equivalent of squirrels in Oz but with a few key differences. They won’t kill you but be warned that their claws are needle sharp. They also find fingers nearly as tasty as an apple slice so once they grab the apple slice it is advisable to remove the secondary temptation of biting your fingers, their teeth are sharp. Actually, after reading that linked article I don’t think I will be feeding possums again any time soon.
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Photo Credits
Main image: Vincent Brown / Flickr
Inset, Mozzie Flats: Luke Davis, the author on Instagram
Koala Claws: Corrie Barklimore / Flickr
Kangaroo: Charlie Marshall / Flickr
Platypus: Robert Young / Flickr
Tasmanian Devil: Travis Variationblogr / Flickr
Blue Ringed Octopus: Frankzed /Flickr
Possum: Robert Young / Flickr