Erin Tatum offers tips to help people navigate showing respect for disabled folks.
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Since able-bodied privilege is one of the most unrecognizable forms of privilege in society, today we’re going to talk about ten ways that you can avoid ableism in everyday life.
(As a disclaimer, I can only speak about my experience as a physically disabled person. In no way do I claim to speak for the entirety of the disabled community.)
1. Take the Stairs
If a person with a disability needs to use the elevator, this seems like a no-brainer, right?
Apparently not.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve been waiting for an elevator with a large group of able-bodied people in front of me only to watch them all squeeze on and leave me to wait for the next one.
Obviously there can be exceptions for people with strollers and so on, but for the most part, the vast majority of people who do this are perfectly capable of climbing a flight or two of stairs – or, you know, maybe have the common courtesy not to push past a person with a disability to get first dibs on the elevator.
If you see a person with a disability in line behind you for the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I using this as a necessity or convenience?”
If it’s the latter, climb the stairs or give the person with the disability priority.
2. Don’t Use Handicapped Restrooms
Yet another commonsense rule.
Accessible restrooms are adapted for a reason, not just for the luxury of added space or privacy.
There are usually also at least three regular stalls for every handicapped restroom, so please don’t be the jerk that uses the one bathroom available to the people with mobility impairments.
I have found that this issue makes people very annoyed because it’s a choice that they make unconsciously and will try to come up with a list of circumstances where it’s okay to use the accessible restroom.
Hint: It never is.
Also, I can’t emphasize enough that if you’re an employee of a given venue, that does not give you the “special privilege” of using the handicapped bathroom. It not only makes you look inconsiderate, but reflects badly on your employer as well.
3. Don’t Patronize Us
I could go on about the offensive use of baby talk for hours, but what it boils down to is blanket stereotypes.
Don’t assume someone’s intellectual capacity based on their physical capabilities or lack thereof.
You would never assume that someone with poor grammar or a lisp couldn’t use their body properly, so why on earth does the opposite apply?
When I was younger, I tried to write it off as a function of age, but still at 21, it’s gotten to the point where even people younger than me will speak to me as though I’m five years old.Complete with baby talk and that excessive enthusiasm where everything sounds like a question
Just don’t do this.
It’s embarrassing for everyone involved.
4. Don’t Address Us through an Able-Bodied Person
Related to number three.
Because of my physical impairments, I’m perceived socially as a small child. Sometimes this results in the assumption that I am incapable of processing direct speech.
I have had multiple people on different occasions ask my mom if I am able to speak while I am right next to her and clearly listening.
In addition, it’s important not to equate verbal ability to the presence of comprehension. Plenty of my nonverbal friends communicate and process at the same rates as everyone else.
Once on a field trip in high school, the security guard even asked my friend if she was my mother!
The level of infantilism is ridiculous.
Address us first. We can probably answer whatever question you have much better than a third-party.
5. Don’t Ask ‘What Happened’
People with disabilities are often subjected to a barrage of questions.
Namely, able-bodied people will often assume that our existence represents some kind of mystery that they need to get to the bottom of. This means that people frequently ask us for the truth or origin story of our condition.
Disability is usually (and misguidedly) associated with a moment of trauma, like an accident.
People put on their ethnographer hat and want to find out why you’re different.
It always makes me laugh that people act disappointed when I tell them I was born with cerebral palsy, as if that’s too mundane.
This tendency to interrogate manifests itself most awkwardly in young children.
Please, please, please teach your children that this is inappropriate behavior as early as possible.
I have had to patiently explain why I’m in a wheelchair to far too many children that I don’t know in public while their parents look on affectionately at their child’s inquisitiveness.
Parents seem to interpret it as a welcome social lesson that a person with a disability just happened to come by to underscore the importance of tolerance and accepting difference.
Don’t allow your child to think that they are entitled to demand explanation and justification from everyone who’s different than them.
It’s not our job to educate anyone, children or adults. Everyone has the right to go about their day without being accosted.
6. Make Sure All Venues Are Accessible
And if they’re not not, think about how they can be modified.
It’s always a bummer when you have to constantly change your plans or are just flat-out excluded from an activity because someone forgot to account for accessibility.
This can be anything from visiting friends to attending public events.
Sure, America has the ADA in place hypothetically for businesses and public venues, but the exact definition of accessibility is often loosely enforced.
My friends and I usually invent our own remedies, such as plywood ramps.
For larger events or public spaces like restaurants and hotels, call ahead and make sure they have the proper modifications.
If you can, it’s always best to visit beforehand to avoid any unpleasant surprises.
There’s also always the option of changing your plans to include a more disability-friendly backdrop.
7. Avoid Misguided Comments
“I wish I had a chair!”
We get it. You want to let us know that you think our chairs are cool.
However, statements like the above inadvertently cherry pick the disabled experience and reduce it to the “luxury” of having an easy mode of transportation.
Most of the time, people are very tickled with themselves to announce this jealousy to me.
Able-bodied people think they’re empowering us by flipping the scripts and insisting that they envy us in some way.
It comes off as very grating because they’re oversimplifying disability.
It’s not progressive or cute.
8. Stop Assuming We Want to Be Able-Bodied
Enough of the hypothetical “if you were normal” scenarios.
What is normal anyway?
For example, many people interpret my appreciation for dance as sad because I’m supposedly pining after something that I can’t do.
A lot of people are sports fans, but that doesn’t mean everyone has a secret desire to be a quarterback.
I don’t go around with a tiny violin following me because I can’t do whatever it is you think I need to be able to do to make my life fulfilling.
It’s the same when people ask me if I would “cure myself” if the technology were available.
I happen to be perfectly content with the cards that I’ve been dealt, and if I did want to pursue treatment, it would be for my own reasons and not a result of some starry-eyed assumption that an able-bodied existence would fix all my problems.
The life trajectories of people with disabilities may be a little different, but that doesn’t mean they’re inherently miserable and inferior.
9. Stop Calling Us Inspirational
Ah, my favorite backhanded compliment.
This one might seem to be the most banal.
On a superficial level, it’s a positive thing to be considered inspiring – until you consider the implications.
When you tell someone with a disability or someone who is otherwise perceived as disadvantaged that you find them inspiring, you are essentially saying that you would find their way of life insufferable and wouldn’t be able to cope if the roles were reversed.
While it’s meant to be a compliment to perseverance, it’s not exactly the best way to raise someone’s self-esteem or general outlook.
Yes, people with disabilities often face more challenges, and their accomplishments should be recognized, but don’t condescend us.
Please stop pretending to be humbled by passively perpetuating our oppression in allowing the ableist status quo to persist.
10. Remember: People with Disabilities Are People First
You may have noticed that throughout this article, I made a concerted effort to use the phrase “person with a disability” rather than “disabled person.”
It’s always important to remind yourself of an individual’s personhood instead of the circumstances that define them.
Everyone deserves to be treated with respect.
It sounds cliché, but don’t judge a book by its cover.
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Superficial circumstances, especially ones as obvious as physical disability, can obscure who a person really is.
Don’t sell yourself short with stereotypes. Get to know us.
Humanity should be shared, not allocated in increments based on privilege or experiences.
A person with a disability could change your perspective on things, but it’s just as likely that you could change ours, too.
Originally appeared at Everyday Feminism
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Erin Tatum is a queer disabled college student currently residing in Berkeley, CA. She is particularly interested in representations of queerness and disability in media. She hopes to advocate for more numerous positive portrayals of marginalized identities in television and film. Follow her on Twitter @erintatum91.
Photo: Flickr/U.S. Department of Agriculture
I have a question.
I require a gender neutral restroom, but often the only ones are the handicap accessible ones. When I do use the men’s onea, a lot of times the only toilet is the handicap accessible stall, even though there are up to three urinals. Obviously, if there’s someone with a wheelchair or a cane, I’ll let them go ahead of me.
Is this okay?
Of course parents are going to “look on affectionately at their child’s inquisitiveness.” We teach our children to ask questions and about how important learning is. I think it is a little extreme to say that this is inappropriate behavior. As others have mentioned, children ask all sorts of uncomfortable questions, because they just don’t know the way that things work or why things happen—this is why they are so full of curiosity, and to teach them that it is inappropriate is just absurd. Now, if someone were to say “actually, it is very personal and something that I don’t… Read more »
2 disagreements. 1) I’m sorry, but the lifts are there for everyone. Don’t push past people, who ever you are, but don’t expect special treatment just because you are in a wheel chair. Many people have reasons they can’t, or don’t want to use the lift. It seems as though you are falling in to the ableism that many with visible disabilities do. That those of us who do not have a visible problem are able bodied. 2) Kids will ask. It is probably a function of still being quite young, but kids will ask about anything they think as… Read more »
As a cyclist, I add “don’t chain your bike to the handrail” to lists like this.
Number 9! Love it!!! I find it disturbing that people don’t realize that when they say “I don’t know how you are able to…” or “I don’t think I could do it if I were in your shoes” are basically saying “I’d rather fucking die than live your life!”
I generally get cranky at these sorts of posts from the stereotyped to the stereotypers. But this one was perfectly written. Well done and thanks for sharing.
The majority of these are, or should be, really obvious, but I do object to parts of the first two. Nobody should ever judge why someone else is using an elevator. It’s up to the individual person to decide whether they want to take the stairs, not up to you to tell them they must. If there’s a queue for the elevator, everyone who wants to use it waits for it. That includes those with disabilities. Pushing past or otherwise pretending not to see someone waiting just because they might be slower than you or seated in a wheelchair? Now… Read more »
1. Take the Stairs If a person with a disability needs to use the elevator, this seems like a no-brainer, right? Apparently not. I can’t count the number of times I’ve been waiting for an elevator with a large group of able-bodied people in front of me only to watch them all squeeze on and leave me to wait for the next one. Some of us with severe heart or lung issues appear quite able-bodied yet are not. Getting glared at or spoken too over the elevator or handicap parking space gets very old……as my beard turned gray it’s a… Read more »
I coach at a local gym, one of our members has an issue with the use of his right hand, and thus, his ability to complete all movements is limited as a result of it. It’s visibly obvious and as his coach I simply asked him how functional his hand was and what he wanted to get out of it. This was the first time I had to engage with anyone in this manner outside of able bodied people recovering from injuries. I didn’t need his story, just how much use he had in his hand. We struck it off… Read more »
Karlos, I think that’s easy to say that she should use every oppurtunity with a child as a “teaching moment” as someone who doesn’t have to deal with being bombared with questions about your body from complete strangers everytime you go out. At some point, I am sure it gets frustating to have so many strangers make personal comments or ask personal questions about your body simply because you don’t fit into the norm. After awhile, it’s defeating I think. I myself am a pretty petite lady and people always find it neccesary to comment on this. Even complete strangers.… Read more »
My take from this – treat the disabled person as you would anyone else, abled or not. Might this mean standing down from attempts to be helpful? Once riding my bicycle I saw a fellow in a motorized wheelchair who was trying to cross a busy street, and cars were not letting him through. Low to the ground in a seated position, it’s possible cars weren’t seeing his situation. On my bicycle, I rode to the middle of the street standing up on my pedals so I was visible, and forced traffic in all directions to stop, enabling the fellow… Read more »
Ask yourself this, would you have stopped if you had seen an able bodied person having difficulty crossing the road?
Hi Erin, Thanks for writing this. While I was gratified to see that I wasn’t violating 9 out of 10, I was a bit torn about #2 based on my own difference. When I read your bio, I thought I would post my question to you in hopes that your double-consciousness might inform your response. I am transgendered, and currently in “that awkward phase” in which neither gender’s bathroom poses a particularly pleasant prospect in public spaces at this time. Sometimes, the only gender-neutral option is the “family/accessible” restroom. I use this one sometimes knowing full well that it is… Read more »
Wish I could delete this post years later! My apologies for ignorance.
In re # 1- I always figured letting someone in a chair cut the line is condescending… But I do have a question…. Several years ago during a truly cruel cold snap; wearing hunting boots, glove liners & long underwear to my NYC office cold- people in the most of the country have no idea how cold commuting by mass transit is. I’ve had frost bite and this was bad enough to wear a balaclava… In any case there was a young woman, wheel chair bound who worked In my building.,, she commuted with a city bus service which I… Read more »
How do you know she was horrified and embarrassed because she realized you had a point? Stockings can be very, very warm. And since I assumed she changes her clothing daily, if she did indeed get frostbite, it’s not as though she’d have dangling icicle feet for a week– she’d notice pretty quickly, even if she couldn’t feel it. (And, by the way, not everyone who is unable to walk is also unable to feel sensation in their legs.) I am an able-bodied person with many relatives who have physical disabilities. My personal take is that while your concern comes… Read more »
Well tis she showed up the rest of the winter in Napoleon .dynamite boots.
I know horrified when I see it, maybe because she wasn’t thinking maybe because she had to be reminded…