Sarafina Bianco debunks two myths about abuse: a closer look at common misconceptions during Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
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1. It’s a women’s issue.
Domestic violence is more about people than women. The further into my recovery I’ve made it, the more I’ve realized labeling abuse as a women’s issue is detrimental to the cause. Sure, most domestic violence messages and resources are directed at and for women, and—I think—that’s simply because the dynamics of abuse have changed.
When women predominantly stayed home to raise kids, allowing their husbands to be the bread winners, it was much more difficult for them to leave. How could they without an income? How could they become independent without a society that understood the dynamics of abuse or liberated women from archetypical roles in society? Then trailblazers started seeking equal rights and opportunities for women to get into the work force so they could live successful, independent lives. Shelters and non-profits grew. So did awareness of abuse against women.
Now?
It’s difficult to find a media outlet who doesn’t cover female survivors’ stories.
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It’s difficult to find a media outlet that doesn’t cover female survivors’ stories. And it’s even more difficult to find one that covers abuse against men. Men are predominantly seen as the abusers, not the abused. Also, the ramifications of witnessing abuse—of being a secondary survivor—are hardly touched, leaving the boys and girls who watched one parent abuse the other are left even more victimized, with no support and feeling as if their voices don’t matter.
Domestic violence is everyone’s issue. Just because we see more of one side of the story than the other, doesn’t mean we should ignorantly assume nobody else suffers. It’s when we close these avenues of discussion that society runs the risk of never understanding how deeply rooted the issue is, and that blocks our ability to eradicate it.
2. One survivor’s story is not more important than another.
While I went to group therapy sessions or talked to other survivors online, it was incredibly common for me to compare my abuse to theirs. All of this, I should mention, happened very early in my recovery. If, for instance, another survivor told me they married their abuser, then it was easy for me to say, “at least I didn’t marry him,” and label them, dissecting their decisions to make me feel superior in some way. On the flip side of that argument, some survivors will look at me and say, “if I hadn’t married mine, I would never have stayed.”
These comparisons of our stories do not lead to a better understanding of anyone. And, in truth, they only serve to make each of us feel alienated, just as we did while we were being attacked. Looking back, I think the comparing enables us to retain a level of ignorance. If I was able to say, “I would do this,” or “I definitely wouldn’t have done what she did,” then I still feel safer and convince myself it could never happen again.
The truth?
Sometimes survivors are harder on each other than society is.
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Sometimes survivors are harder on each other than society. Sometimes it’s easy to label someone else, instead of looking at the hard facts. Because, if I can’t belittle someone else for their decision, then I’m scared that maybe I could make that decision myself. Maybe my husband could become my abuser. Maybe I would excuse and tolerate it at first and hope he would change. Maybe my experience makes me more likely, instead of less, to ignore signs of my kids being abused. Maybe.
And that’s a lot to deal with, especially when your brain is already exhausted by the past. Our futures are where our safety sits. If the possibility of being abused again surfaces, then we feel hopeless. So we don’t allow that possibility in our thinking.
If survivors want to overcome and raise awareness, then we need to stop insulting one another for having a different story from our own.
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The world is watching us, especially this month. It’s our time to start sharing every story we can. It is my hope that more men, more same-sex couples, and more secondary survivors begin sharing. And it’s also my hope that those of us who lived to tell our stories will stop judging one another because of our differences. In fact, our differences are what will help better educate society on the dynamics and prevalence of abuse. I, for one, want to embrace it all.
With more voices, we take back our power.
It’s time to unsilence the violence.
Photo—Moggs Oceanlane/Flickr
Thanks for this article. I have been working on violence against women for a while, but the last time I discussed this topic with someone he reacted somehow harshly stating that many men get abused. Since I do respect this person a lot it shocked me somehow. My focus was on violence against women and since I grew up with a violent dad I would not really dare to attack somebody who is physically stronger than me because I know very well the consequences (and obviously I condemn violence). And so I assumed that this would be the case for… Read more »
Thank you very very much for standing up for abused men. Abused men have largely been thrown under the bus by the DV industry and it’s a tragedy that abused men (and their children) can’t find a safe haven because the non-aggressive parent failed the pecker check.
Please continue bringing light to this important issue.
Hey John. Thanks for stopping by to read. As I just commented above, abused people should be supported no matter their sex. That said, I’d hate for anyone to think women should not be sharing their stories. Instead, it’s important for men, women and children – and secondary victims (families, etc) – to speak up. It’s less common because of what’s currently happening in media, and I’m begging anyone with a story to share it on #domesticviolencechat every Monday night on Twitter at 9EST. If you know any men who might be interested in sharing, please send them my way.… Read more »
Sarafina – I agree with everything you said in your article. It just illustrates to me that the feminist movement are the wrong people to be dictating the discussion on domestic abuse. It’s time that this important issue which, as you rightly point out, is more about people than just women, was wrenched from their grasp to enable a unified, non-gynocentric discussion resulting in positive action for everyone to take over. Just ask Erin Pizzey!
I hate to say anything about the feminist movement, because I think the term has a worse connotation that what it truly deserves. I believe women should continue speaking about their experiences, just as I speak about my own, but I don’t think they should ignore that men are abused. I don’t believe it’s helpful to anyone.
That said, I’m also VERY hesitant to label any voices as negative in this regard. I don’t believe their intentions are to downplay the severity of anyone’s traumas. But I’m also an optimist.
Thanks for stopping by.