Sarafina Bianco is sick of hearing about domestic violence in the media. But maybe not for the same reasons as you.
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Since the media picked up the Ray Rice story, we haven’t stopped hearing about domestic violence or the ramifications players should suffer at the hands of the league. We’ve heard people defend players, stating they shouldn’t lose their jobs because of their personal lives. We’ve seen women stand together and speak out about their experiences, tying themselves to other survivors with the #whyIstayed campaign. And more charges against players have been brought to light, with another three NFL players suspended because of their inability to keep their hands off the women in their lives.
Frankly, I’m sick of hearing about it.
I’m sick of hearing people complain about things of which they are ignorant.
Statistics are thrown around, ricocheting from one conversation to the next. “I heard one in four women and one in seven men get abused,” one woman said, as I stood in line waiting to check out at Target. I had body wash and tooth paste. You know, regular things everyone buys. Then, the woman grabbed her husband’s hand and squeezed. “How is it possible so many people aren’t brave enough to leave? The first time a man hit me I’d be gone. And what about the warning signs?” And suddenly I didn’t feel so normal.
She didn’t know I was a survivor, but her ignorance isn’t excusable.
I wanted to speak out, to share with her how thankful she should be because she wasn’t struck or verbally assaulted or financially ruined.
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I wanted to speak out, to share with her how thankful she should be because she wasn’t struck or verbally assaulted or financially ruined. But the line was long and I’m not in the business of making others uncomfortable because they’ve made me squirm. There are fifteen women in this line, I thought, how can you spout off opinion and theory when it’s almost certain one of them is a survivor?
Anytime a person is trying to understand something they’ve never experienced, it’s common to throw a label on it and box it with the rest of the confusing shit in life. Because if we can say we wouldn’t do something, then we won’t have to fear it.
“I’m not the type of woman to get into that relationship, I’m too strong.”
“Aren’t abusers usually ___(insert labeling characteristic here)___?”
If you’ve asked those questions or made similar statements, it’s time to stop. Adding domestic violence into the “It will never happen to me” set means you don’t have to be scared anymore.
So society does it, at the expense of the people who are being abused (and the survivors), and they go about their business, no more aware of the harsh reality that abuse can happen to anyone, even though they already know a survivor (or will know one).
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So society does it, at the expense of the people who are being abused (and the survivors), and they go about their business, no more aware of the harsh reality that abuse can happen to anyone, even though they already know a survivor (or will know one).
Why would we come forward when we’re always questioned? It’s unfair. And it leads me to my second point.
I’m sick of fans victimizing abusers and blaming victims.
NFL fans, officials and players have solidified my hatred for them and their sport. (Yes, I just labeled all of them the same way you label all of us.) If I hear one more person tell me Ray Rice didn’t deserve to lose his job over his behavior, I’m going to lose my shit. Here’s the thing:
Ray Rice took a position as a professional sports player, very much aware fame was part of the contract. With it, a moral obligation to uphold the law should be included. People watch professional athletes (and celebrities) regularly. These men are told they’re held to a certain standard, yet they aren’t treated accordingly. They get out of charges for crimes while the league covers their asses to make more money.
Meanwhile, they ask the abused women to come forward to take (at least part of) the blame for their own beatings. To ease the blow for the abuser.
Questions and accusations envelop this conversation too.
“Why did she stay?”
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“Why did she stay?”
“She must deserve the beatings because she’s staying with him for his money.”
“If she’s saying she wants to support her husband, then it’s obvious she’s part of the problem.”
I’m sick of society slapping survivors across the face.
Meanwhile, Ray Rice has lost his job. And fans and society ask if it’s fair, losing focus on what’s truly important: helping the survivor and ending the violence. While we feel sorry for someone who hurt another human being, we defend his ability to work for the public. We say he should face charges but keep his job. And every survivor in society is, once again, left feeling like a second class citizen.
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Am I being accusatory? Yes.
It seems the only way to get a reaction anymore.
Sarafina Bianco’s new book, The House on Sunset, is now available on Amazon.
Photo—Helga Weber/Flickr
While I don’t care that the NFL decided to fire Ray Rice (as long as they worked within the bounds of their contracts and employment agreement; fine by me) what does concern me about his specific situation the conversation has been solely focused on Rice and his actions, and while I fully agree his actions were wrong, so were Janay’s. She is clearly physical and not in the “I’m scared and defending myself” sort of way – in fact it’s entirely possible that she hit first (it does look like Rice may have spit on her first, but it’s not… Read more »
I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and domestic violence as an adult. Why do we remain silent? That question has too many twists and curves. I still can’t answer it and I’m 20 years removed from my final abusive relationship.
Twists and curves are right, Susan. It’s a really difficult thing to discuss and explain, especially when we live in a culture who has been, for the most part, blind to the problem.
I’m tired of hearing about domestic violence because of all the myths surrounding it and the fact that it’s trumped up as a “women’s” issue. The reality is quite different. In personal relationships in which DV is not reciprocated, 70% of the perps are women. That’s according to a report published by CDC. A study from the UK says that women are more often the aggressor in relationships. Two different studies. And then you hear stories about Hope Solo who is not even reprimanded for assault. And Kelly Brook writes a book in which she admits to punching two men… Read more »
Hey, Guest77, powerful response. As a fellow survivor, I do not scoff at the fact that DV happens to men and women alike. I would love for more men to step forward and share their experiences, and I encourage you to use the powerful voice you just shared here to do so. DV is a people issue. Men, women and children all suffer and survive. I agree about Hope Solo and think she should be held accountable for her actions. Maybe, and this is speculation, the rumblings going around now will force the league to respond. That said, she was… Read more »
Historically, domestic violence was a “woman’s issue” largely due to how our country was built. Meaning, the history of denied rights to women (not being able to own property, a husband could beat or kill a wife as long as he felt he had a good reason to, men’s complete ownership over the women in their family etc, etc..) Understanding this helps to showcase why it’s been herald as a woman’s issue for so long. It has to do with the history of struggle women went through in gaining basic rights men already had, more then it has to do… Read more »
Also an excellent point, Erin.
http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/dom/george94.htm – Simply not true. Yes women under dated and stupid imperial english law (adopted by the US) were subordinate to there husbands. At the same time men where legally responsible for crimes that their wife may commit. And whilst that did leave women vunerable to abusive men it by no means meant men didn’t suffer domestic abuse, as the above link points out. As far as I can tell there was never a time when it was legal for a man to kill his wife (at least not in english or US history). However it is currently legal in… Read more »
Which links are you talking about, Josh? I guess my confusion is: why are we discussing who gets abused more than the other, when my column doesn’t state women suffer more? Just because I am a woman, does not mean I don’t believe men are abused. As such, it’s known that women were repressed in this country (and many others), and I believe that is what Erin is commenting on. Neither of us have said anything about BWS, although I think that term has been less-popular as of late, and many people are now calling it PTSD. <— That said,… Read more »
“Which links are you talking about, Josh?” links in my comments. “I guess my confusion is: why are we discussing who gets abused more than the other, when my column doesn’t state women suffer more?” – Erin constantly trys to paint everything ones sided to towards women being the poorest victims ignoring the other half of reality hence my link. “As such, it’s known that women were repressed in this country (and many others), and I believe that is what Erin is commenting on” again that ignores the other half of reality. Its like claiming that because the less than… Read more »
Also I will ask, Ray Rice justly by your standards lost his job over his actions, What about US national team goal keeper Hope Solo, She assualted two family members – a male minor and another female, should she too have lost her job? Should the US national soccer governing body (who ever that is) introduce new tough policies to combat DV? I suppose the question I am asking is how is sacking someone who is an abuser stopping the problem? Definitely he needs some intervention, but a public lynching is not the answer. Unless you want a culture driven… Read more »
http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/dom/george94.htm – Simply not true. Yes women under dated and stupid imperial english law (adopted by the US) were subordinate to there husbands. At the same time men where legally responsible for crimes that their wife may commit. And whilst that did leave women vunerable to abusive men it by no means meant men didn’t suffer domestic abuse, as the above link points out. As far as I can tell there was never a time when it was legal for a man to kill his wife (at least not in english or US history). However it is currently legal in… Read more »
“And what about the warning signs?” I would read those Cosmo articles about DV and the red flags…irrational jealousy….isolation from friends and family members….controlling behavior…and I never thought I would see the day that physical violence would enter the picture…the change in behavior came on gradually….the article stated that the violence often occurred at the end of the relationship when someone tries to leave a controlling relationship… I couldn’t see it at the time…he was so intelligent and articulate and kind…and blah blah blah….I still have a hard time reconciling the person I knew in the beginning with the livid,… Read more »
They are so gradual, and so manipulative, you can know the signs and overlook them unintentionally. Thank you for standing and admitting it. Thanks for being another strong voice in the mission.
I truly believe we are always a bit more suspicious than people who haven’t experienced any abuse, but I also think we need to learn ways to cope with it. Had I not, I wouldn’t have given my now-husband a chance. And that man changed my life.
He was worth the healing I needed to do. One day at a time, friend. That’s the best we can do.
Good piece Sarafina – I was talking about this with someone earlier today. I liked the whole #WhyIStayed thing in response to the overwhelming question of ‘why don’t they leave’ but then I realised it made no difference there are still ignorant people who just don’t get it. Recovering from abuse as an adult is tough, its hard work getting over everyone elses opinion of you whilst also trying to recover from all the abuses that were handed out over however many months and years. People are so quick to judge the abused (whether they are male or female) but… Read more »
If we could get that tattoo on their foreheads, the world would be better off. My intention was to be “ranty” today. Sometimes a little anger forces people to see the other side, though I don’t think it’s the only tactic we can use. It is effective. And, sometimes, necessary for hearing purposes.
Thanks for the comment, your insight and support.