Sarafina Bianco has advanced degrees in DV and PTSD. Here’s her crash course on what people should and shouldn’t say to survivors of trauma.
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1. “There has to be a reason this happened.” “This isn’t fair.”
Even though we all know life really isn’t fair sometimes, sugarcoating suffering doesn’t help the traumatized person. One of the many gifts my therapist gave me was the ability to share honestly how unfair everything felt. Beyond the traumatic event, which wasn’t fair, the healing process also took three years of my life. Although I was getting better, I lost two years to my abusive relationship and three years in recovery (with a year of me trying to fix it on my own in between). Yes, you read that correctly: I spent double the time recovering from my abuser (four years) that I spent with him (two). And I lost the second half of my twenties. Goodbye, half a decade.
People were so ready to prove there had to be a reason for it all happening. They were convinced a silver-lining dangled between their sanity and mine.
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People were so ready to prove there had to be a reason for it all happening. They were convinced a silver-lining dangled between their sanity and mine. What I wanted, more than anything, was for someone I cared about to look at me without flinching and say “This isn’t fair,” because, had they, I could have said, “Thank you for noticing.”
Three simple words validated every emotion I felt and allowed me to open dialogue. Although most tried, my therapist was the first to break through. She was also the first to say these three words to me. It was the simplest, most effective thing she said and something I carry with me into every conversation I have.
2. “I thought only soldiers got PTSD.” “Tell me about PTSD.”
PTSD is still relatively new in terms of research and treatment. Because of that, and because the term was originally coined in relation to veterans, there are people who still believe only war vets suffer it.
When I was diagnosed with PTSD, three years after I left my abuser, I spent quite a lot of time explaining to friends and family that PTSD didn’t mean I was crazy, that it wasn’t fake, and that it could, over time, be fixed. Providing the explanation wasn’t tiresome; but correcting the common misconception, which I had to do each and every time before getting to the symptoms, triggers, and remedies, was exhausting. PTSD isn’t only for soldiers.
When you already feel alone in the world, a side-effect of trauma, it’s even more alienating to be told you’re not suffering a disease you actually have.
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Even a year into blogging about my diagnosis, a reader commented, “PTSD is only for vets, so please stop acting like you have it.” At the time I was so insulted and defensive I didn’t know what to say. Now I wish I could have explained that I’m certain soldiers don’t want to be singled out as the only people who have this: the more people who are honest about their diagnoses the better.
When you already feel alone in the world, a side-effect of trauma, it’s even more alienating to be told you’re not suffering a disease you actually have.
3. “If I were you…” “I’ll be here for you with the same dedication one year from now.”
There isn’t a timeline on recovery.
Some people heal faster than they or their helpers expect. For others, healing can be harder than the experience itself. And it can be a cyclical process: one month seemingly symptom-free and the next painfully reverses progress.
When a loved one is dealing with his or her nightmare, it’s easy to get burned out helping. It’s hard to watch people suffer. But it’s also hard to sustain helping.
Put your phone number on their refrigerator. Say, “If you have enough help today, I can help in a week.”
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Everyone is so eager to help immediately following trauma, but each slowly goes back to his or her own life, unintentionally forgetting the other person’s life has changed—forever. When I first left my abuser, my friends came to my side, asking what they could do, but they figured my battle was over after I left him, never assuming the aftermath would be worse. And so their help died off until only a few were left. Then … none.
At the very least, remind the struggling party you can help whenever they need you. Put your phone number on their refrigerator. Say, “If you have enough help today, I can help in a week.” Do what you can to remain present and make it clear you aren’t going anywhere. The worst feeling in the world for someone who is living through trauma, is feeling more alone than they already do.
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Photo—Gareth Williams/Flickr
Thank you so much for posting this. I have never been formally diagnosed with PTSD but I have had a few in the medical field who believe I have it. I was abandoned by my birth mother when I was 2 and abused by my step mother and in some ways my dad when I was 4. I’m 32 and still have night terrors because of it. There are certain things I have to avoid because it will set off a panic attack. PTSD is a condition veterans have. We are veterans and soldiers too. The war we fought was… Read more »
We are many things, Kristin.
If you haven’t, I’d highly encourage you to seek out trauma therapy (especially if you’re having night terrors). It took me three years to rid myself of all PTSD symptoms, but it was the best decision I’ve ever made for myself.
“Healing can be harder than the traumatic experience itself…” I was triggered after I was stalked by my abuser (long after I left him years and years ago)….I was having panic attacks and emotionally wrecked while trying to maintain a full-time job with its own stresses…no one understood or tried to just talk to me…they almost tried to lay me off when I confronted them with the ugly truth of what it is like not being able to sleep and waking up with flashbacks of buried abuse…and fearing that my family members may be harmed by some jerk I broke… Read more »
Often times you’re right, Leia. There are people who refuse to talk about, or even read, the trauma I suffered. This is true for almost everyone I know who has suffered trauma of any sort. After the honeymoon is over, we’re left to pick up the pieces on our own. And that’s probably when we need someone the most.
This is the second week in a row you’ve commented on my stuff. Thank you for your continued support and, please, feel free to comment with any upcoming topic suggestions you might have.
It hurts
For a long time
Over and over again.
It changes the way we view things
It changes the way we react to things
It takes time to retrain ourselves to view and react to things the way we used to but we never quite go back the whole way.
You’re so right, Luke. Here’s to the healing journey. May yours be kind and full of progress. <3
Here Here
Progress certainly, it’s just never fast enough.
Two thing which have been helping me is writing and dancing. I don’t know what it is about dancing but it really helps with being able to let people in. It takes a lot of nerve and courage to start it though.
Dear Serafina, Very well written. It’s good advice for those with chronic illnesses as well. Sometimes, the “trauma” never goes away…we manage better and better but sometimes what people want to hear is that we are cured. That said, telling someone that life isn’t fair can be a double edged sword…it’s a phrase that used more often than not to mean “everybody suffers, what you think your suffering is special?”. Sometimes it’s better to say nothing and choose actions instead of words…I like the phone number on the fridge idea. Sometimes we don’t want to have to ask for help…we… Read more »
Yes, JK, I think what you’re commenting on is the tone that’s used. Simply put, any variation of “I actually DO care and understand you didn’t deserve this,” will suffice if “life isn’t fair” is something you’re uncomfortable with. Of course, I think you already knew that. And self-imposed isolation is something I believe most trauma survivors deal with. When you don’t feel understood by the world, you don’t want to be in it. It’s a nasty cycle and horrible side-effect. Any display of concern from a friend is much more appreciated than nothing at all. In my experience, it’s… Read more »