Thomas Fiffer talks straight about what really turns men off.
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Hint: It’s not your belly or your love handles. It’s not your unshaven legs.
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Women’s magazines are full of tips—often involving “tips” and associated twists, techniques, and touches—for how to handle your man to get him turned on. But these purveyors of sexual proficiency never tell you about the real stuff that turns men off in relationships. Hint: It’s not your belly or your love handles. It’s not your unshaven legs. It’s not whether you waxed down there. And it has nothing to do with how flexible or dextrous you are. The truth is, a man cares a lot less than you think about how you handle him in bed and a lot more than you think about how you handle his psyche. And he’s a lot more likely to get turned on—in bed—if he’s feeling loved and appreciated in his head (the one on top of his neck).
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Here are five major male turn-offs that shut down male libido faster than pouring ice water on his crotch.
There’s nothing that makes a man shrink (figuratively and literally) like making him feel incapable of understanding you.
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1. Telling a man “you’ll never get it.” This tops the list and is outright demeaning, yet men hear it all the time. There’s nothing that makes a man shrink (figuratively and literally) like making him feel incapable of understanding you. It sends his frustration level through the roof and sinks his ego into the basement. Think about it. You’ve just crippled your partner, while reserving the right to complain about how lame he is. How can he respond without sounding defensive and outright contradicting you? Also, if he’ll never get it, why should he bother trying? Your man wants and needs to understand you, and sometimes he needs some help, just as you need help understanding him. Approaching misunderstanding as an opportunity for learning, to connect more deeply with each other, and to build a more cohesive bond is both a big aphrodisiac and one of the best ways to strengthen a relationship.
Acting as if you’re doing your man a favor or making a “necessary sacrifice” to enable his release makes a man feel shamed and unworthy of affection.
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2. Treating sex as an obligation or making fun of a man’s sexual needs. Sex is never an entitlement—for men or women. It’s a consensual act of love and intimacy. Taking a perfunctory attitude towards sex, acting as if you’re doing your man a favor or making a “necessary sacrifice” to enable his release makes a man feel shamed and unworthy of affection. This is not about your technique but your attitude. Rolling over grudgingly, making a joke about how insatiable your man is, or spreading your legs and saying, “OK, go,” is much worse than refusing. But you won’t hear most men say that, because the majority of us who don’t see sex as an entitlement have been socialized to feel fortunate, as in “lucky,” if the gatekeeper agrees. Another cutting remark women sometimes make is, “You’ve earned it.” While this sounds positive, it cheapens sex by framing it as an exchange-based act instead of a gift of love. Obligation sex is cold comfort, and sex should always be … hot.
Forcing a man to open his wallet when he screws up will never open his heart.
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3. Feeling entitled to a material reward for real (or perceived) mistreatment. If a man mistreats you in some way (other than abuse), or you feel slighted, you’re entitled to an apology and a promise not to repeat the offense, not material compensation. Using his mistakes as an excuse to spend money, or demanding an expensive gift to make up for them not only hurts a man’s (or your joint) finances but also makes him feel used. Forcing a man to open his wallet when he screws up will never open his heart; it will only make him feel resentment and turn money into a locus of control and punishment in your relationship. In addition, the nice things you might buy for yourself become tainted with the hurt used to justify their purchase. Gifts should be sweet, not bitter. Do you really want a home full of apologies? Punishment is something parents use to discipline children, and being able to work through hurts in a constructive, adult way is not only hot but also critical to a relationship’s long-term survival.
He can close himself off to things he loves and people he enjoys seeing, or he can risk your disappointment and anger.
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4. Telling him he’s selfish when he does his own thing. If a man’s independent interests and activities make him consistently unavailable to you or unable to fulfill his responsibilities in your relationship, you’ve got a case for selfish behavior—and you don’t really have a relationship. But treating his interests, hobbies, or friendships outside the relationship as selfish indulgences that cause you harm and unhappiness puts him in a no-win bind. He can close himself off to things he loves and people he enjoys seeing, or he can risk your disappointment and anger. Getting a man to sacrifice things and people he values for the sake of your emotional security doesn’t mean he loves you. It means he fears losing you (very different from love) and lacks the self-esteem to stand up for himself as an individual. Men do want and need to feel needed by women, but not at the expense of their own freedom and autonomy. Freedom is a big turn-on for men, and relationships thrive on balance and healthy respect for each other’s independence.
If your old boyfriend was really so wonderful, you’d still be with him, right?
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5. Comparing him to other men. Making comparisons to other men who earn more, look better, or do nicer things for their partners, or worse, past lovers who performed better, is not going make your man rise to the challenge. It’s only going to make him feel inadequate and less loving towards you and open you to similar, inappropriate criticism. Every person and every relationship is unique. And in every relationship, our partners will inevitably, at times, fall short of our expectations or fail to meet our needs. These moments are flash points for growth—in one partner’s abilities or maturity and the other’s tolerance and understanding. Try appreciating the things that make your man unique (huge turn on) and encouraging him in areas where, with a little push, he can improve. If your old boyfriend was really so wonderful, you’d still be with him, right?
Photo—Daniel Oines/Flickr
“2. Treating sex as an obligation or making fun of a man’s sexual needs”
I am on the opposite side of this. My boyfriend has a much lower libido than me and I feel I must beg him for sex or not get any. He is fine with one time every 2 or 3 weeks. This drives me crazy. I have stopped initiating a lot.
This is a terrific piece. I write a lot about relationship dynamics, and this is getting bookmarked for future reference (not to mention I’m sure my bf won’t mind if I remember these things.) 🙂
Well with so many very high maintenance women these days with their Careers, many of us men are turned off by them since they’re very stuck up since they think their all that.
Number 2 was hard to read for me.. I am 22 and since going on hormonal birth control at 20 I have lost most of my sex drive :// I have been in a relationship for 4 years and was initially able to keep up with my boyfriend sexually, but after starting birth control it has become complicated. I know sex is a very important aspect of the relationship for him, but it is often painful and I experience very little arousal. I am exploring different birth control options with my doctor but haven’t tried anything else as of yet… Read more »
Number 5 is the prime issue in my relationship. She can never quit comparing me to the other men she has been with… one of whom she was with for about 20 years. Yet the last line I ask every time and still cannot get a straight answer. And intimacy? Don’t even get me started on that one… wait, I can’t because it does not exist.
#2 hits too close to home. My wife of 27 years back when we were young initiated the process with the phrase ‘let’s get it over with’ romantic, erotic, hot huh? As the years passed those became fewer and fewer until she went thru early menopause @ 39 and the switch went off forever. In hindsight I should have fled then, but I hoped for years that something would change or a medical miracle (female Viagra?) should happen, never did. So I sit here in my bed on one floor of our home while she lies in her bed in… Read more »
That is very sad, Moose. In such a situation, agreeing to an open relationship might be a solution. Or a divorce.
Moose, thank you for so vulnerably sharing your experience. Your comments really touched me. It’s when men like you are willing to share like that, that you enable women who are reading (like me) a new perspective. I’m sorry that you’ve had a difficult time with your wife. I am sure it’s been hard for your wife too going through early menopause at 39. I think a lot of women feel a lost sense of sensuality (yes, ‘sensuality’; not to be confused with ‘sexuality’) as they get older. Sometimes feeling even undeserving of sex and love because we no longer… Read more »
Thank you for sharing this Moose. I can relate. I too feel as tho I’m roommates with my husband sharing expenses. I’ve stopped “begging”. It’s degrading and makes me feel horrible. For the longest time I thought it was me – I wasn’t enough. If I could do it all again (married 21 years) I would talk about sex from the beginning. But in my 20s I was too shy and didn’t have a clue really. Such a waste….
What a lot of people seem to be forgetting is that the primary goal of the checkout-shelf magazines is to make money. The quality or accuracy of the advice will always be secondary to the profit margin. They want advice that generates readership, whether the advice is balanced or not. Prey upon powerful stereotypes and you’ll get a lot more readers. Make the reader think too deeply, or drive the reader away to the competition, is bad for business. No one stands in the checkout line hoping to accumulate graduate credits in gender studies. In fact, if the advice is… Read more »
#2 is definitely a turnoff if it’s sincere, but sometimes it can be treated in a playful and sexy way. “What have you done to deserve a roll in the hay with me?” could actually be the start of a quite stimulating conversation…..
As a woman, I admit to making most of these mistakes. I had to learn to do better with my husband, and thank God for is patience and his voice. I am thankful that my husband and I do have better communication than when we started.
Esther Vilar covered these in her book The Manipulated Man.
These… 5 things… are Secrets? If women do not get that Men like to be treated as they, themselves, desire to be treated… then they may want to start buying cats.
Hate me all you want… but I make sure every woman that I date knows these things up front. Well and quite honestly… these things do not bother me. The don’t because they are sure fire signs that when I hear them that woman will be on an online dating site by the morning… seeking her next boyfriend.
Mat, Some men have higher self-esteem than others or find it easier to enforce boundaries. And some mistake accepting behaviors such as these for being cooperative or accommodating.
Sounds like you’ve been in a few relationships with some terrible women! Personally I don’t think I do any of these things, fortunately. At least I hope not.
Point 2 is a tough one because if you really aren’t in the mood as much as him, you can either say no a lot or go along to get along. And if you go along for the sake of the relationship, meeting his needs, being loving and so on, then yes it may start to feel like an obligation. Maybe the advice is to learn to fake it better? 🙂
Jen, These behaviors are certainly not characteristic of all women, just as the things we lament about some men cannot be generalized to all. I think they key on point 2 is to say no gracefully, to decline the sex while recognizing and validating the need to be physically connected and intimate. Some partners may be sexually incompatible; others who have different desire levels can take pleasure in meeting each other’s needs as an act of love, not guilt or obligation.
And to add : COMMUNICATION, still the best recipe, no ?
Definitely not faking, that will only build resentment + dishonesty.
There’s a lot to be said oin the subject. And point #2, however well-intended and on the mark, doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface, if you get whar I mean (For the record, I have nothing but praise for Thomas for writing this article.) It is pointed out in the article that sex is never an entitlement. Nor should it be demanded in a relationship. (Excpet maybe for those who wish to be “ravished” in their relationship, I don’t know?) So if it’s neither an entitlement or a demand from a partner, why does it feel like an obligation?… Read more »
Agree with you Flying – I’m beginning to believe we use the strong word “entitlement” to avoid having the tougher conversation (at times), and allow the withdrawer to rationalize themselves out of a very important companion activity. Sexual activity, like intimacy, like communication – is relationship table stakes. Unless there is a clear understanding at the onset, or issues with waning libidos, or something else that needs attention – there is indeed a strong expectation that sex, like any other form of intimacy, is ever-present inside a relationship. When one person withdraws from this activity, the conversation should not shift… Read more »
elissa, Sexual withdrawal in a relationship is a dreadful problem. When one partner withdraws and at the same time expects to remain in a sexless relationship, the other is left hanging with an unmet need. To understand the entitlement issue, it helps to distinguish between micro and macro. In each micro moment (or on any given night), sex is not an entitlement. But on the macro level, sex is surely an expectation and a core element of an intimate relationship.
I understand the theoretical components you are addressing. My general point is that the word entitlement is vastly overused and misused. The nuances of life operate at the level of reality – it is not always about enthusiasm; sometimes it is about feelings of obligation, sometimes it is pleasant drudgery, other times about mind blowing intimacy – it is all of these things and more. What it is seldom about is entitlement, yet that’s what we talk about most, much like Ebola outbreaks in New York City. It fits an established political lexicon.
If you are a lower libido partner you can either refuse to have sex when not in the mood (which may feel like sexual withdrawl) or have sex when not in the mood (which may seem unenthusiastic). This is a tough choice! For most of my life I had a great sex drive, but as I approach menopause, I definitely feel less frisky. It is a combination of changes in my body that make sex less pleasurable as well as (probably) some degree of boredom with our sexual routine. Also frankly my husband puts less effort into as he used… Read more »
Jen, What better options do I have as a higher libido partner? I can either try to make love with my partner buying into her consent of “getting along” as somewhat enthusiastic, but with an underlying sensation that something isn’t right, doing my very best to satisfy her, but still hate myself both for not being good enough (to rise her desire), and for doing it in the first place when it eventually surfaces that she was just doing it for my sake in the first place. Or, I can be turned down, lying awake at nights and wondering what… Read more »
hi FlyingKal, you raise good points and I wish I had answers. There are so many reasons why someone might have a lower libido than their partner. One, they might have a libido in a normal range but just want it less (2-3x a week vs daily for example). I remember being in my early 20’s and my boyfriend wanted sex twice a day sometimes. This was too much for me because I got too sore! Also, I felt like I needed some private time to myself. He was always waking me up early or wanting to join me in… Read more »
Jen, I expect the best way to express boredom would be genderless (my belief is that most of the communication mistakes between the genders happen because we assume more differences between men and women than are really there). So if the tables were turned, how would you like your husband to communicate it? For me, I wouldn’t want this to be a negative or a criticism. Were I in your shoes, I’d step up a little to suggest fun ways to change things up. You probably know better than your partner what you’re craving. Then, once you’re experiencing what you… Read more »
Hi Jen and thank you for your answer.
I tried to write a reply, but I think it got caught in the spam filter.
Jen, Thanks for your reply. My post wasn’t so much about the reasons for different libidos, but more about the feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing that the higher libido partner might encounter. And I’ve never been the guy to “require” sex several times a day, but most often, even once a week seems to have been deemed too often by my partner. And I’ve had similar discussions about emotional connection, I know just what you mean. But, most days my GF and I used to hug when we met at home after work. But as soon as I tried to… Read more »
FlyingKal, I’m so sorry you’ve had that experience. I’ve always wanted sex more than once a week (2-3 times a week is good for me) but I have been in relationships where my partner wanted more. I’ve also had the experience though of being in a relationship where he wanted it less and yes being rejected sexually is very hard on the self esteem. It makes one feel unattractive and helpless. I think one thing you have to do is tell yourself that your own sexual feelings are normal and good, that having sexual feelings is a sign we are… Read more »
Hi jen and thank you for your answer, and sympathy. 🙂 You are absolutely right that she had trouble disconnecting from her daily routine, she even admitted so herself. I always thought it was a male “trait” to bring the job home, but it’s kind of funny because I just read a comment on a totally different subject from a man who had the exact same experience. But, she was never open to talk about it. Whenever I approached the subject she would excuse her “below average” libido with “Women just don’t have the same libido as men, it’s biological… Read more »
FlyingKal, There is much more to be said on all 5, I believe. I appreciate your kind words and recognizing that there is only so much one can do in a short article. Ideally, sex should be a natural outcome of intimacy, trust, commitment, and deep connection, and yes, there are many ways of meeting each partner’s sexual needs.
Thomas,
Please note that my comment was directed at Jen and not at you.
And I’m sorry if it came off as criticism of the article. The intention was that scratching the surface is at least way better than doing nothing at all.
Best Regards, Kal.
Most men could care less if women fake pleasure/desire or not (even less if women orgasm or not), as long as they are getting theirs they are fine with that. So yeah, women don’t even have to learn how to fake better, most men could care less if you enjoy what’s going on, if you are feeling pleasure or is ever going to orgasm, really.
This is remarkably bold – especially for this website! Respect and congratulations!
Now I am curious how the other comments will turn out. Appreciation, bloody murder or maybe only deafening silence. 😉
Theorema, There is always room here for this voice, which supports men and their concerns without denigrating, attacking, or stereotyping women.
Yep. You hit probably the top 5 Tom. As for #2 if my wife is too tired or whatever we just make a date for another time in the near future. Maybe because I’m older I can fully understand and respect her. We have different libido levels. Mine is much higher and there is always a way for me to get my needs met if I really want to. My first wife employed a lot of these 5 especially when the relationship was on a decidedly steeper downward slope. Of course that made the descent that much faster, but curiously… Read more »
Mark, I’m sorry you suffered these things in your first marriage and glad you got out and into a mutually respectful relationship.
The reason you will never see these kinds of advice on women’s magazines and blogs is because they have bought, wholly, into the notion that men are superficial and simple beings who only require beauty in a woman, food and sex, and that it is women who are the complex beings possessing far more emotional intelligence than men. If you subscribe to this stereotype that has been pounded into our heads for decades/generations now, of course you are not going to consider a man ‘s feelings as important in a relationship. This oversimplification and over-generalization of men as a whole… Read more »
I think you are completely wrong and completely off topic.
There is nothing in this article that suggest any such thing about women’s magazines or feminism.
Please refrain from using a positive forum like this one to convey your negativity toward women. It’s not appropriate.
Ray, The article is definitely not an attack on feminism in any way. And it is also not a generalized attack on all women’s magazines—more a way of pointing out the misguided nature of some of their content. That said, I think Amy makes some great points about the ways men are stereotyped in mainstream culture.
Amy, Wow. Thank you. The dumb, unemotional man is one of the stereotypes we are working to smash here at GMP. We very much appreciate your support.
Amy,
I think you make the case more boldly than I would, but I basically agree:
The biggest perpetual stereotype about men is that men are simpler than women. Men say that, women say that, people on all sides of the political spectrum say that, feminist and anti-feminist both say it in different ways.
Imagine how better off society would be if we just CONSIDERED the POSSIBILITY that men are no less complicated than women are.
Men are usually much easier to read than women, in general. That is how I feel, and also many other people that date both genders. Nothing wrong or bad with that. I guess that is why they say men are less complicated… in some ways, men are indeed socialized to appear less complicated, to speak more directly and with less details, to not worry about small things or details, etc. That is all much simpler to deal with in the end. And sure, some women are also like that.
Little you know that all of these stereotypes have been around since way before feminism, silly boy (yes “Amy”, we know you are a boy). And just so you know, many men still try to empower themselves by putting women down, too. That is still, and unfortunately, a very common thing. In fact, that was the starting point of all this gender stereotypes/war. The hilarious thing is that you believe feminism is the toxic poison that bred “male bashing”, that all feminists do that, or that only feminists do that. Oh, and also that you had to bring it here,… Read more »
One of the programmes on tv that I could never watch was Everybody Loves Raymond. I couldn’t stand the way he was ridiculed in front of his children. I agree with you Amy. That’s why I love GMP. Uplifts men in their relationships and gives me some lovely insight into their minds. 🙂
Loved this article. Manipulation is one of the worst things in any relationship.
Thanks
Wow! Thank you, Amy, for having the courage to respond in this way, and for articulating something myself, and many of my highly intellectually and emiotionally intelligent male friends feel deeply. In our discussions about this sort of thing, we often feel that we would be attacked, dismissed as misogynist if we were to say something like you articulated. Thank you, also, Thomas, for an article that hits the nail on the head for some of the major concerns my male friends and I discuss. Particularly, in our conversations we often discuss your number one point about denegrating a man’s… Read more »