Thomas Fiffer offers his list of good man dos and don’ts because, in the end, our actions define us.
___
We’re having a conversation here on The Good Men Project about being a good man in the 21st century. It’s the conversation no one else is having. And while there are many ways to size up a good man, the most important measure is the way he conducts himself. A good man isn’t perfect—he’s a mensch, not a saint. But his behavior is aspirational, and he works hard to uphold a standard. The list below is by no means definitive, nor is it meant to be all-encompassing. But it’s surely a good start at characterizing the modern good man.
♦◊♦
1. A good man models respectful behavior. At home, at work, in social situations, even encounters with strangers, a good man always behaves respectfully, not only because it’s the right way to treat others, but also to show others the right way to treat people.
2. A good man honors his families—the one he grew up in and the one he forms—and considers them as one. If rancor arises within or between them, he quickly quells it, and he tolerates no divisiveness or sniping.
3. A good man is generous. He expands his life beyond home and work and gives what he can—his time, his expertise, his resources—to people who need and to causes he cares about.
4. A good man manages his emotions. He expresses his feelings but doesn’t wallow in them. He is spontaneous but not impulsive. And rage is not in his range of behavior.
5. A good man values his time. He completes his work and enjoys his leisure, but he doesn’t fritter hours away on meaningless activities or mindless entertainment. And those he loves come first on his calendar.
♦◊♦
1. A good man doesn’t objectify women. He knows the difference between appreciating beauty and reducing a person to the sum of her parts. And he teaches it to his children, too.
2. A good man doesn’t glorify violence—he abhors it. He understands that fighting may be necessary—to protect the innocent or defend a nation at war. But he sees violence as a last resort that has no place in everyday life.
3. A good man doesn’t avoid responsibility or stay on the sidelines. If it’s his fault, he owns up. If it’s his job, he steps up. When the game’s on, he suits up. And if a person or principle he values is threatened, he stands up and steps in.
4. A good man doesn’t take foolish risks. He keeps what he earns, doesn’t gamble, spends smartly, and invests wisely. He wants to enjoy his future and therefore doesn’t jeopardize it.
5. A good man doesn’t use force or power to intimidate or control, because ultimately, his conduct is more important than the outcome.
♦◊♦
This list could surely be expanded, but it’s offered as a start. After all, we’re having a conversation.
Photo— istock
Sometimes rage is justified, such as at one’s abuser. Sometimes rage is all that stands between helplessness and suicide. If I can’t be called a “good man” because I feel rage at my abusers, then so be it. But I was a child and teen and later an adult and they damaged me in ways I can never repair. Anybody who tells me “forgive them” will be rejected. I try to be good, because of CSA I don’t feel “good”. I don’t even feel like “a man”. I feel like a boy trying to pretend to be a man. So… Read more »
Thank you. I am raising my 17 year old son alone and am doing my best not to malign his father who no longer embraces many of the traits you have shared. I appreciate the teaching tool – he has read it and it is on the bulletin board in his room. We have discussed each of these points and will likely discuss them again.
Simple “things” but so powerful…
I always get inspiration from The Good Men Project . As I single mother of boys I save articles like this on a regular basis to share with my sons as they get older. The timing of this one couldn’t have been more perfect because we had just been at an outdoor cafe in Boston when we saw a dad walk out of a parking garage across the street with his wife and crying baby. He walked about five feet ahead of them then threw the stroller across the street. When it landed he started stomping on it.. His anger… Read more »
Mary, Thanks for your encouragement and for sharing the sad, all-too-typical story of the angry man. Too many people believe they are entitled to anger and rage. I hope he gets help, too, and that this piece will inspire better modeling everywhere.
Thanks for this article. Really helps in educating my sons with it. Not only for men, this is what human needs to be in order to achieve World Peace.
Excellent- but you missed one; a good man tells the truth.
2. “A good man doesn’t glorify violence—he abhors it. He understands that fighting may be necessary—to protect the innocent or defend a nation at war. But he sees violence as a last resort that has no place in everyday life.” My opinion. “A good man respects violence and understands that it may be necessary to apply violence at equal or greater amounts when defending himself, his family or other innocent people. He only uses violence to combat evil and only uses the amount necessary to overcome it.” I really take issue with the word abhor used in your statement. Abhor… Read more »
These aren’t just actions of a good man. These are actions of a good person, no matter what their gender.
I think if more people would live by these precepts, the world would be a much more joyous and pleasant place.
Dear Thomas, I like your points as start for a discussion, because they are described very clear. What do you think about using WORDS like RESPECTFUL, FAMILIAR, GENEROUS, etc. in addition to your description of the points to make the discussion about it more easy? I could imagine to add a point like SELF-AWARENESS related to our body and related to our soul, (find on twitter.com/Sinnmacht at Aug 1st, 2014: Follow the #rhythm of your #body and follow the #rhythm of your #soul. Then follow the rhythm of the #world. …) And especially men today should not focus on (shorttime)… Read more »
Ronald, Self-awareness is the cornerstone of conduct and behavior.
Agreed. I want to meet the men who uphold this list!
Thank you for this article…. I am raising two teen aged boys and I had them both sit down and read this. I want them to understand their roles as men and what is right and wrong. Thank you again.
Shannon, You’re welcome. Thanks for modeling, and i hope your boys appreciated the article.
Great list! Many thanks!
Mayo, Thank you!
Hi.. Thanks for starting this conversation. There is another conversation that few are talking about.. It’s about abusive relationships. Particularly ones where the abuser (for once) isn’t the man..I’d like to hear your views on that and what a man can do undo the trauma caused.
Steve, I’ve published a number of articles on abuse here on GMP, as have my colleagues. You might find the following pieces of mine informative: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/7-deadly-signs-dysfunctional-relationship-fiff/, https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/this-guy-makes-your-abuser-look-good-gmp/, https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/7-reasons-why-we-suck-at-ending-domestic-violence-fiff/. You can also search the site for articles titled or tagged with abuse. The only thing I believe anyone can do to undo the trauma is to focus on his or her own healing and to exclude the toxic influences as completely as possible.