Thomas Fiffer lets loose on six centers of male shame that need to be dispensed with.
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Have you ever felt ashamed to be a man?
That your masculine nature, and the behaviors that accompany it, make you at best an insensitive fool and at worst a dangerous predator?
That examples of the small percentage of men who commit crimes or behave badly towards women abound, while you rarely see footage lauding the vast majority of law-abiding men who treat women respectfully?
Have you ever felt … that your masculine nature, and the behaviors that accompany it, make you at best an insensitive fool and at worst a dangerous predator?
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The truth is, some men do bad things. So do some women. The world is, unfortunately, full of bad people who use aggression and violence or manipulative tactics to get what they want, hurting others in the process. Any man who abuses or assaults a woman, a child, or another person; who threatens or bullies; or who acts disrespectfully or disregards boundaries; should be ashamed—not of being a man, but of perpetrating offensive, hurtful, and unacceptable behavior, and the same goes for women. There are some things, however, that men never need to be ashamed of, despite the way we’re stereotyped and portrayed in the media. Here are five:
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The same hormone that makes us sexy and appealing to women endows us with our unique male energy.
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1. We’re male. We have testosterone coursing through our veins. The same hormone that makes us sexy and appealing to women endows us with our unique male energy and gives most men our love of physical activity, our assertiveness, and our taste for things like contact sports, first-person shooter video games, Dirty Harry and Die Hard movies, and cooking meat over a fire. We don’t just do this stuff because it was modeled to us. We actually enjoy it. Enjoying male activities doesn’t mean we don’t also like curling up with a good book, playing board games, watching a chick flick, or learning to be a gourmet cook. But we should never be reluctant to embrace traditionally male activities or preferences that we actually like and prefer, because they’ve been stereotyped and demonized as “man-things.”
A man’s inclination to take charge of a situation (unless he is unfairly excluding the voices or concerns of others) is a healthy, productive character trait that helps move the world forward.
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2. We like to lead. Many men have a desire, even a need, to be in charge. If it’s purely based on wanting to have power over others, it’s unhealthy, but in most cases, our leaning into leadership is about getting off on motivating people and getting things done. A man’s inclination to take charge of a situation (unless he is unfairly excluding the voices or concerns of others) is a healthy, productive character trait that helps move the world forward. Think of all the discoveries, expeditions, and charges for change (the crusades excluded, of course) that were led by men. If everyone always deferred to everyone else, we’d live in a hell of perpetual politeness, so never be ashamed of your propensity to want to be the top dog.
The truth is, the world finds superior physical strength threatening and sees it as something wonderful to have on call but kept under wraps at all other times.
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3. We’re strong. Superman was the ideal physical male specimen. And yet, he had to mask his true identity in the persona of “mild-mannered” Clark Kent. Why? The truth is, the world finds superior physical strength threatening and sees it as something wonderful to have on call but kept under wraps at all other times. Physical strength is an asset, and one that need not be hidden. A strong man is not, by definition, a threat or a lover of violence. And having braun doesn’t mean we don’t also have brains, because the two are not mutually exclusive. Strong men built—and continue to maintain—the world’s physical infrastructure, and physical power, as long as it’s used respectfully, should be a source of respect, not shame.
Being blunt doesn’t mean you’re not sharp; it means you know which tool to use for which job.
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4. We’re direct. Men tend to be made fun of for oversimplifying or not understanding the complex nuances of a situation. But often directness is what a situation calls for, and endless beating around the bush impedes progress. I’m not saying women aren’t direct, too, just that it’s a trait we typically associate with men and often link incorrectly with insensitivity. Saying what you mean simply and forthrightly saves a lot of time and spares a lot of guesswork and misunderstanding. And it’s always good to know exactly where you stand. Being blunt doesn’t mean you’re not sharp; it means you know which tool to use for which job, and when to spare the can of varnish so the truth can shine on its own.
Caring for the woman you love by taking care of things for her is not patronizing; it’s being a good guy, and it’s something you never have to feel bad about.
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5. We (hetero men) like to take care of women. My friend Bryan Reeves wrote an amazing post here on The Good Men Project called “The Sexiest Three Words a Man Can Say to a Woman,” in which he said he finds “something deeply compelling about being with a woman who can take care of herself, and who enjoys allowing him to take care of her anyway.” Bryan is talking about a women who understands a man’s need to care for her. Many of the behaviors we call gentlemanly or chivalrous—opening doors, carrying bags, or paying for meals—are portrayed as patronizing to women or making the appear weak. Caring for the woman you love by taking care of things for her is not patronizing; it’s being a good guy, and it’s something you never have to feel bad about.
Men like sex, and liking sex doesn’t make us predators or deviants or perverts who objectify every woman we see or think about it doing it seven seconds.
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6. We like sex. You heard that. Men like sex, and liking sex doesn’t make us predators or deviants or perverts who objectify every woman we see or think about it doing it seven seconds. But we enjoy sex, we want sex, and we’re not ashamed to say so. Belittling men for having sexual desire is like belittling a child for wanting to play. It’s our nature, and to deny it is to deny who we are. When we initiate with a woman (and we’re often the initiators), it doesn’t mean that’s all we want from you or all we value you for. It simply means we enjoy being intimate with you and expressing our love in a physical way. Of course, it’s crucial to understand that sex only happens with consent. But men should never, ever feel embarrassed or ashamed about liking and wanting sex.
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I’m glad I’m a man. I’m proud to be a man. I love men. And I think men are awesome.
Hey, Good Men Project readers, check FOCO’s line of World Series family PJs and comfy Hoodeez, all great gifts for sports fans.
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Good article. I feel like I grew up during the culmination of a feminist backlash against traditional values which had left a lot of males of my generation feeling emasculated and like they have to deny their own natural impulses. It seems unthinkable today that gestures of affection and kindness are intended to be just that, and not an attempt to invalidate a woman’s own capabilities. We don’t think you are incapable of opening a door, just as we dont think you NEED a birthday card, or a wedding ring, or dinner cooked while you relax. These are simple expressions… Read more »
Men are notorious for NOT taking care of women… or men, or their own children, parents or even themselves. Men, in general, definitely don’t take care of people when they need them the most: when they are sick. For example, men leave their spouses at a much higher rate when they get cancer than vice-versa. Much less men take their children to the doctor and pay attention to/give them the medicine they should take. Much less men take care of their own elderly parents than women. Many more women take care of their spouses’ parents than vice-versa. And so on.… Read more »
I’m really sorry that you’ve had such bad luck in life. Perhaps change your location/social circle/job. Sounds like you’re associating with the wrong people.
Interesting point of view. I am hard pressed to understand why these points are pointed specifically at males. While I get that this site is The Good Men Project, I believe that any and all of these points can be applied to both sexes. Women, just as much as men go through these exact things.
I feel extreme shame and embarrassment for wanting to have sex. I’ve felt this way for almost 10 years now and i don’t see it getting better despite therapy and prayer. I’ve had sex before but i could barely get it up and didn’t enjoy it that much. I don’t wanna sleep with hookers because that is just disgusting!
I’m not really sure any of these things any man is ashamed of.
An intersting article. From a perceptive I’m not used to reading. However I will have a bit ch about chivalrous behavior. If you’re offering help cos you think it’ll help me out that’s super and you’re an upstanding gentleman. If you’re offering to help me to make yourself feel good you could be being patronizing. If you ‘help’ me after I’ve declined you better watch out. And if you add an expression like you’ve just done a magic trick you’re an ass. Seriously holding a door open for me when five meters awat, fully mobile and carrying nothing but my… Read more »
“I feel ashamed” Notice the feeling is self imposed. If we feel ashamed then there is an internal feeling that we somehow have that has nothing to do with society’s judgement but our own. If we feel and know what we are doing is right than there won’t be any shame involved.
Karen, not sure if English is your first language or not, but “I feel ashamed” is not a phrase that obligatorily connotes self-directed shame. It is entirely possible to be be made to feel ashamed. Instead of telling the men on this site what/how they feel, maybe you could do them the courtesy of listening while they talk about what they feel, without being editorialized by the women commenting.
Michael. The comment “not sure if English is your first language” can be viewed as an insult. I have had the same comments directed at moi (ooo, that is not English) and I felt it was an insult. When someone uses I in a sentence then that suggests that they are feeling that themselves, no? Your last sentence deserves a hearty STFU buddy, I don’t care if your male or the comment came from a women, (comment deleted about your masculinity). I absolutely hate males or females telling someone who takes the time to comment that they are out of… Read more »
This article is awesome! It hit the nail on the head for a lot of men! You can find something negative to say about pretty much anything if you want to but overall the article was great! Keep’em coming!
Hear hear. I agree. It’s great to read something like this. It’s articles like this that brought me to GMP in the first place. I love most of the articles featured but I really love this one.
A good reminder of our maleness. I have never made apologies for my maleness and have never been ashamed. It never seemed to be an issue in the circles my family moved in. As such, the points you raise are good foundations for those dads out there raising sons and for sharing with daughters and other women what makes men tick.
Speaking of “sex” ….. Sad that you didn’t add the perspective of the man who chooses to wait until he gets married. Ya want to talk about shaming? There is a substantial population of men who aren’t interested in sex as a form of recreation, a population of men who see “sex” as special and wait for that one special person. But that population of men (and women) fall into the category of “religious faithful” which is yet another area where men are shamed because of their views. I work with teen boys from between the ages of 15 and… Read more »
Tom, You point out an interesting Catch-22, which is that some men are shamed for wanting sex, while others are shamed for not wanting it.
Thomas, so glad I grew up in when I did. I was never shamed for feeling horny, it was as simple as knowing that it was age appropriate and normal.The difference is that I was taught self control and values that said that the “real deal” is saved for marriage. That’s not to say that there weren’t plenty of fantasies. I became a “leg man” because of the Playboy Bunny one of my older brothers dated. MY wife, even at her age now has GREAT legs. Let’s face it, society says you’re not cool unless you have sex. When ya… Read more »
Hi Thomas May I ask a question? As a woman I have no right to invalidate men that say they feel shame about sexual desire,and feel shame for wanting sex. But can you please explain and use more word to tell those of us that do not understand what you mean,and do not understand how these men feel. Is the feeling of shame a feeling that come when they are rejected when they try to initiate sex? Do they feel shame while they make love? Is this feeling of shame a shame for not having a sex partner to have… Read more »
Silke, What I’m getting at is the stereotype that all hetero men want is to get into a woman’s pants, that the effort to get to know a woman, treat her nicely, and begin a relationship is all a tradeoff for getting sex. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being attracted to a woman and wanting to have sex with her, whether you have a relationship with her or not. The only issue is in how you go about expressing and acting on your desire and pursuing consent. Women, both in relationships and out, often reject men’s advances in a… Read more »
I think a lot of women feel shame around sexuality as well, so when we sense a man who is paying attention to us is strongly motivated by a desire for sex, it can feel demeaning, like we are not seen as a person but as a sex toy. Of course there are men who feel that way so it is complicated. It is important for women to judge by the man’s behavior (respectful vs. harassing, for example) and not jump to conclusions like “ugh, another guy who just wants to get in my pants.”
I fully support this list for human beings. It needs to be said that genetics and hormones are a lot more complicated than “men” vs. “women.” The man/woman gender binary spectrum is out-of-touch and out-of-date. Plenty of females are everything in this list, and plenty of males definitely do not like to lead and are very indirect and shy, and it has little to do with the nurture factor. I’m talking the complex interplay of genetics beyond the social construction of gender roles. The fact is, these are human traits, and if they’ve been conditioned to the male gender for… Read more »
Thank you for bringing this to the discussion, Tracy. I couldn’t agree more, nor could I have expressed it as well as you have here.
Thomas, thank you. I’ve missed this kind of writing. Well done.
Thomas, this is fabulous. I am biased; as the author of Men are Great, I love seeing anything that celebrates and acknowledges the greatness in men. Thank you!
Karen
Thanks, Karen. This piece has received a range of responses, and I appreciate your support.
I liked most of this piece. But I got a little hung up on the last one about sex. This could be a topic onto it’s own because I don’t completely get why men feel they are shamed about sex. Heterosexual men have the most cultural freedom regarding sex then any other sexual orientation or gender. Pop culture, sex culture, mainstream and not mainstream all pander to the heterosexual male fantasy. On one hand, I have heard a lot of men express frustration over feeling shamed about their desire for sex. And I’m trying to understand why because I recognize… Read more »
Pop culture may cater to the hetero man’s fantasy, but it’s just that, a fantasy. It creates expectations from men that are unfair for them and for women, because they are unattainable. With women as the primary gatekeepers of sex, men are forced to ask to be let in to relationships and sometimes seen as wanting a relationship only for the sex. While this may be true of some men, most of us actually want a healthy, intimate relationship with a loving partner. I agree that the majority of women are not looking to belittle men for having sexual desire,… Read more »
And what of the men who do feel deep shame about their desires? I understand that this piece wasn’t necessairly about undoing that shame rather to name it as unmerited, but what can be done for those guys who do feel shame, even if they “shouldn’t.” How can that be undone? Jonathon, if I may add, I understand your point on many gmp articles using the word “shouldn’t.” Well, I’m one of those guys who do feel shame about my sexual desires. It’s how I feel. But I don’t think the intent or heart behind the vast majority of the… Read more »
Nick, Thanks for your comment. You get what we are doing. And I agree with you about the word shouldn’t, which is why we avoid it. I purposely used “don’t need to be” instead of “shouldn’t be” here, to make this piece liberating and not a judgment of men who do feel shame over these things.
Thomas, certain kind of fantasies may create expectations for men as well but these fantasies are primarily created for men by other men. I am not saying that the expectations men confront are less harmful then the expectations women confront. But even though there are expectations put on men, these expectations are still primarily driven by men themselves and often times, these fantasies make women feel their own fair amount of shame around what they are realistically able to be or give. So what happens when both sides feel shamed? I don’t have an answer for this because I get… Read more »
Erin,
I think the answer to your questions lie within your own words of “a lot of”, “some”, and “sometimes”.
Human behaviour are not binary, based on our genitals. We are all located somewhere on a vast Bell curve.
Erin, again. Sorry if I’m ranting, but I felt like bringing up another thing. On one hand, I have heard a lot of men express frustration over feeling shamed about their desire for sex. And I’m trying to understand why because I recognize that it’s a legitimate expression. But on the other hand, as a woman, sometimes the stuff men desire around sex are things that make ordinary women feel shamed about in turn. Sometimes the way men go about their desires for sex, yes, makes women feel shamed too. Sometimes, men do treat women like objects. That is also… Read more »
Finally, something positive about men on this male bashing website.
James, I’m not the only one on GMP writing positive things about men, but I’m glad you appreciate this piece. We’re here to support men, not bash them. As Ethics Editor, one of my focus areas is conduct. And calling out unhealthy or hurtful conduct in a way that shows men how to be better is not bashing; it’s providing a framework for improvement and growth. It’s also important to celebrate how amazing men are and what we love about them, as I’ve tried to do here.
Thomas, I’ve tried to explain this before, and I don’t feel like I’ve conveyed it well, so I’ll try again. A lot of men say that the editorial tone of this site is shaming, and to a great extent, I agree. However, I would say that perhaps the better word for it is “alienating” because of a behaviorist approach. The vast majority of articles is ABOUT men, as if we were laboratory specimens, or a wildlife species to be managed, or–dare I say it–objects. Even the articles in which the writers relate their experiences, it’s done in order to push… Read more »
Jonathan, I am sorry that you feel as you do about GMP. Our mission here is not to shame or alienate men in any way, but to provide a forum in which a community of men and women can write openly and honestly about the male experience from a variety of perspectives. There are many articles in which men write honestly about their experiences, and I can tell you these are not edited to inject a judgmental or behavioral slant. If I came across as shaming men who feel ashamed about the six things I mentioned, then shame on me.… Read more »
Hi Thomas. This is a good article, but I have to agree with James and Jonathan . I started reading GMP to maybe improve myself a bit, but I started noticing things . Most of these articles are written by women, and blaming men for everything.
Every now and again, I come across an article such as yours that makes me stick around awhile longer.