A Father’s Pledge to Help End Domestic Violence

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About Jason Greene

8 years ago, my family made the choice that I would be the one to stay at home with the kids. 3 kids later we still believe it was the best choice. I now navigate my days helping with homework, running kids around, coaching sports, and doing chores. Read more at TheJasonGreene.com and follow Jason on Twitter @TheJasonGreene.

Comments

  1. “1 in 4 women will experience domestic abuse in their lifetime and 1 in 3 women will experience a type of sexual assault in her lifetime.”

    Those findings have been dubunked, in case you didn’t know.

    “We constantly hear about the danger of bullying in schools, and kids are taught to stand up to and speak up against bullying. When is society going to do the same? Stand up and say enough is enough?”

    Only you choose to frame it as girls are the only ones bullied by boys. I was abused by both genders yet time and again I keep coming across the subject of bullying where girls who perpetuate it against boys is hardly mentioned or brushed aside in favor of the popular “Boys bullying girls” trope. Now think hard how it makes a survivor like me feel where only ONE side of the issue is presented constantly.

    “It is my duty to teach my two sons that they are to respect women.”

    That’s it? Just respect women? Does that respect also mean taking any unwarranted abuse from them like what a “Good man” does? Women abuse as well, girls additionally. The fact that you don’t include teaching your sons to stand up for themselves, that it’s all right for them to get support should they find themselves on the receiving end of abuse from girls and women, is pretty troubling but not surprising since domestic violence to you means “Man perpetrator, woman victim”

    So to sum up, you teach your sons to respect women while your daughter to not feel disrespected. That doesn’t bode well for your sons should they find themselves on the receiving end of abuse from a woman or girl. Don’t your sons deserve not to feel disrespected either?

      • These are all about rape. Read my article again. But let’s say the numbers are off, which according to the CDC they are not. And the study is only a little over a year old and ongoing. Still, abuse of any kind is terrible regardless of whatever the one in ? is. The thing that happened to you was terrible and I understand that you feel hurt because men like you are overlooked. This is the last time that I’ll respond to something you’ve said. I hope you can find peace and healing.

    • Dear Eagle,
      I’m sorry that you were bullied at a point in your life. It wasn’t right and those that took that horrible action against you should’ve been held accountable. The act should’ve never happened. I truly am sorry.

      I’m also sorry that your story is not represented here. You are right; boys are attacked physically by both genders. I could’ve also included verbal and emotional abuse in this article as well. In writing this piece, I had images of people that I personally worked with and that caused me to become passionate about what I was writing and overlook some other areas. While working in the prison system, I met with hundreds of men convicted of abusing women and children. As a caseworker with Family Services, I encountered thousands of women who were abused. It was their battered and bruised faces that were stinging my heart as I wrote.

      “It’s my responsibility to teach all three of my children that violence is never an appropriate way to resolve conflict and that physical aggression is never anything other than a reprehensible act of cowardice. That nobody should be made to feel like a victim.” All 3 of my children are taught equally to not victimize others.

      Your comment about debunking the “1 in 4” statement I disagree with. Show me a credible source that says otherwise. Here is one that supports my statement. http://www.cdc.gov/media/releases/2011/p1214_sexual_violence.html
      I’ll believe the CDC is a pretty credible source.

      • #ObeseSparrowCult

        Yes I do remember the CDC Report and having to read the whole thing. The news releases made some fascinating reports about life in the USA. It’s amazing too, because so many people saw the press release, downloaded the full report and then couldn’t find the 1 in 4 figures being reported without some rather odd mathematics being done. It’s still not clear when or where the CDC findings and views were subject to independent scrutiny and peer review. But some basics aside, lets take the CDC figures you quote as 100% gospel.

        About 1 in 7 men has experienced severe physical violence by an intimate partner at some point in their lifetime.

        You only mention 1 in 4 women. Given the population of the USA since when did 157,000,000 US Citizens just vanish, All male – and if you take that 1 in 7 it means 22 Million men (1 in 7).

        So you teach your kids to ignore and bypass 22 million other Americans because they are men?

        You said: A while back, I attended a fund raiser for Sanctuary For Families, an organization dedicated to serving domestic violence victims. I heard many personal stories from women who unfortunately have found themselves in that 1 in 4 category.

        Any men speaking?

        I checked the website of Sanctuary For Families – and if you are a man with children fleeing domestic abuse, you are left in the cold. They even have of their front page ” Window Dressing and the Ongoing War on Women “.

        Odd isn’t it because in this war on women the people being abandoned and provided NO aide are the 1 in 7 men that the CDC say also will experience “severe physical violence by an intimate partner at some point in their lifetime.”

        22 Million US Citizens left out in the cold because they are not Women and Not Girls. So boys are left out i the cold too.

        It’s odd the language that gets used – there is a supposed war On women and a Crisis with men and boys. Hmm- well at least Crisis is the right word when you have 22 million men left in crisis because of this war On Women.

        Odd how the window dressing looks then – and such an odd war where the victims and people in need are segregated by sex. I’m wondering what was the last time that occurred in The History Of Warfare? Women over here – men stay there and line up next to the empty pit.

        So shall we try it again from the top with reality and less misuse of factoids?

        Factoids the best feed for you and how to best enjoy #FatSparrowCult.

  2. Not surprised you guys delete my comment with the evidence debunking the 1 in 4 study. This place hasn’t changed.

  3. Your comment about debunking the “1 in 4” statement I disagree with. Show me a credible source that says otherwise.

    I did. But the people here at The Good Men Project deleted my comment. Which goes to show whose side they’re on.

    • Eagle – it’s the season for tropes. Students went to College in October and got all radical when they got tweeted at. As I’ve noted about the USA October to December is the Big R season and the net goes nutty with the slightest factoid or bad tweet. The denial of reality is common in cult behaviours. I did write about it here.

  4. “You are right; boys are attacked physically by both genders. I could’ve also included verbal and emotional abuse in this article as well. In writing this piece, I had images of people that I personally worked with and that caused me to become passionate about what I was writing and overlook some other areas.”

    If you want an image of what it’s like for the other side, for people like me, read this article I contributed last year:

    http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/bullied-by-girls-and-women-one-mans-account/

    Secondly, regarding evidence of the 1 in 4 study being debunked. Unfortunatly, the comment I made with the links is gone.

  5. Okay, people. I’ve had it for real.

    I supplied a link to my article and you put it into moderation. Stop doing it!

    • Mr Supertypo says:

      Eagle comments containing trigger words or links usually end up in moderation. its a automatic procedure. I have to say, Im quite satisfied with the moderation so I think you are being a bit to harsh.

      Relax man.

      • Well I can see the frustration. So many ladies can type the R word and not be blocked – it goes up on-line no stopping it. But if male contributors use that R word it’s mod land for certain. They just don’t trust guys to be able to use that word and know what it means.

        • GMP Moderator says:

          I assure you MediaHound the moderation of keywords is not done on a gendered basis. If for no other reason there is no certain way to tell a male commenter from a female one.

          • So it is by individual then. Is there a gender bias in the individuals?

          • Mr Supertypo says:

            thats also my impression. But I noticed that the auto-moderation comes in when somebody post links or use some trigger words. If the message is not spam or offensive, between a couple of minutes and few hours it gets online. I never experienced that a message of mine vanished.

            • Many have and it’s always around Sacred Cow Subjects. It gets very odd when you are reading a response to a message that has vanished – happened only yesterday. The Subject males and abuse in a foreign country. The response ends up dropping to the bottom of the comments.

            • Mr Supertypo says:

              I dont know, never noticed. But as you say, it happens to others then I stand corrected.

            • Dear Typo it’s been done to me repeatedly! P^) Some are not happy that I check facts and read. Meddling Rational Archivist. But Bias only works for so long when faced with factual reality.

  6. Pam Lawhorn says:

    Jason, I am so proud of you. Great article. I was a victim, and so glad that you are dedicated to training your children. If everyone whose has children would do the same what a different world we would live in. It is not to late to take a stand and speak our hearts. I stand with you and promise to influence the woman I come in contact with to encourage them that they are worth so much more and deserve so much more…Love does not hurt; it brings healing Love never fails. 1st C orinthians 13 tells us what love is really like.

  7. Nice article. As a father of a young girl, it’s interesting to see the role models she’s supposed to emulate. Repeatedly, it’s the pretty princess — which is the theme of birthday party after birthday party she attends. The message seems to be: look attractive, wear the right clothes, passively wait for your prince charming. Conversely, a lot of what I see pushed on boys encourages aggression. When was the last time you saw a toy gun geared towards a girl? In not so subtle ways, we give the message that boys should be the aggressors, and girls the passive recipients.

    And while I agree with the former commenter that boys and girls are both the recipients and perpetrators of violence and bullying, I think there’s little argument that a girl has a considerably higher chance of being sexually assaulted than a boy, and when it comes to physical confrontations, girls are at a distinct disadvantage when boys are he aggressors. But as your piece points out, “nobody should be made to feel like a victim.” And that applies to boys and girls, and women and men, people of all ages and all genders.

    • Thank you Jtree. I get so frustrated with the role models that my daughter is supposed to have. And have you noticed that almost all the Disney Princesses are trying to get married while they’re still teens? What was Ariel thinking?

    • “And while I agree with the former commenter that boys and girls are both the recipients and perpetrators of violence and bullying, I think there’s little argument that a girl has a considerably higher chance of being sexually assaulted than a boy, and when it comes to physical confrontations, girls are at a distinct disadvantage when boys are he aggressors.”

      This is what I’m talking about right here.

      Whenever there’s a chance to tell the other side, arguments against always fall back on the “Women and girls have it worse…” retort.

      This will be my final comment before I leave. Regarding girls having a higher chance of being sexually assaulted than a boy, how would you know since it’s known that abuse of boys and men are underepported? And the kind of abuse they endure, there’s hardly any societal support for their trauma? That they’re made to feel inferior or get the blame for what happened. I can’t count the number of times I’ve seen the phrases “He must feel lucky…” and “What did he do to make her react that way” plus the myrid of excuses society uses to justify a girl or woman abusing a boy or man with issues of mental illness, state of mind, the kinds of justifications hardly anybody ever uses when it’s a man or boy abusing a woman or girl.

      Secondly, when it comes to girls being at a distinct disadvantage when boys are the agressors. You are forgetting that girls and women are masters of psychology and manipulation. Plus, you get a weapon in their hands and not even a well built, muscular man or beefy boy will remain standing unscathed regardless of how much an advantage you claim they have when agressors.

      You also forget that, in this culture, it is drilled into boys and men not to hit girls no matter what the reasoning. Yes, that includes should they find themselves being on the receiving end of abuse. So there’s another advantage women and girls have.

      I could go on about this since this is my forte, but I’ll leave it at that and conclude that when you retort with “Girls and women have it worse…”, you’re invalidating the right of a male survivor their desire for support and thus contributing to the culture that refuses to see and acknowledge the pain and trauma of boys and men who fall victim to abuse, especially abuse by girls and women.

  8. Thank you for being a strong role model for the people in your family, and for taking a stand. Many people just want to shake their heads that such abuse happens, but few take the effort to think about how to embed good values into their family life. That takes real courage.

  9. Mr Supertypo says:

    I stand with Eagle on this one, I dont think its fair to claim ‘ women have it worse’ when so much against boys is under reported or kept quiet. Jason greene, I know you have good intentions, and hat of for that, but may I request that your next article (if you write another one) are inclusive of both genders?

    ciao

  10. DeAnne Greene says:

    As a former 911 dispatcher, and now working in the District Attorney’s office, I have lost count of the number of girls and women I have spoken to. They are different ages, different races, and all religions are represented, but they all have 1 thing in common–they are all victims of domestic violence and/or sexual assault. While violence against men is equally reprehensible, it is not as prevalent. Men are typically bigger and physically stronger than women and that gives them a distinct advantage in a physical altercation. All children need to be taught to respect others and themselves, but historically, society has done a better job of socializing girls to talk out their problems and allowing a boys-will-be-boys mentally to take over when a boy acts out. I am very proud that my brother is part of the charge to correct this problem. What I am even prouder of, is that he is doing it without emasculating his sons. Anyone who meets my nephew immediately knows he is all boy, he is just a boy who is being taught there are better ways to deal with problems than hitting. As a woman and an aunt to a future woman, I am grateful that there are men like Jason standing beside us in the battle to end violence against women.

    • Mr Supertypo says:

      ” I am grateful that there are men like Jason standing beside us in the battle to end violence against women.”

      I admit at cost to sound like a troll I find stopping violence against women, a secondary less important goal. What it is really important is to stop the violence against EVERYBODY, men, women, boys, girls, elders and animal alike. If its only to stop the violence against women, then count me out.

    • While violence against men is equally reprehensible, it is not as prevalent.

      So 1 in 7 is not significant or prevalent in USA Crime stats?

      I have a simple question. As A dispatcher, what is the policy for prioritising responses when a call is received reporting Domestic Violence? Does that Policy document contain gendered language such as women and girls or is it gender neutral and representing all citizens equally?

      I do ask because here in the UK I have had to clean out many police policy documents and remove gender abusive and misused language and make the lanaguage comply with Equality Law. I keep finding so many gander biased statutory documents and policy documents form the USA it’s quite staggering.

      Is gender neutral and citizen focused language prevalent in the polices you follow, or is there a bias issue caused by badly written and anti citizen language?

  11. Joanna Rohrer says:

    A very nicely written article…. I hear your heart in this article to stop domestic violence in the sphere in which you have control. Regardless of statistics and who does what to whom, the heart of this matter is what one person can to do to help change the atrocities inflicted on the vulnerable, the innocent or weak. The author is stating personal reflections on a serious problem, what prompted it and then what he is doing in his part of the world to make sure he and his family are not perpetrators or victims of domestic violence. Now only if each mother and/or father would raise their children to show respect to each other and command respect for themselves, teach them to solve problems without aggression and model mature and wanted behavior in front of the children it would truly be a step in the right direction.

  12. DeAnne Green says:

    Using discriminatory language of any kind, including gender, isn’t just forbidden, it is inaccurate and ultimately dangerous to the officer. The perpetrator’s description includes the gender of the person doing the hitting and the victim description includes the gender of the person being hit. That isn’t discrimination, it is accuracy. In response to the 1 in 7 comment, I can’t speak to instances I am unfamiliar with and have not researched, but I can tell you that in the hundreds of domestic violence calls that I took, only 4 had male victims and only 2 of those had female aggressors. I never had a male victim in a sexual assault call. The numbers for my colleagues were consistent with mine. Before anyone cries that these crimes are under-reported, so are crimes against women. Many women do not report attacks. Finally, no one on here has said that violence against men is acceptable. Reading through the comments it is clear that no one believes it to be the case. The fact remains that the playing field is not level. a 5′ 5″, 135 lb woman does not stand much of a chance defending herself against a 6 foot, 200 lb man.

    • Using discriminatory language of any kind, including gender, isn’t just forbidden, it is inaccurate and ultimately dangerous to the officer.

      That is clear and rational – it males sense that bias and discrimination should not be allowed to either endanger officers in response or official stats. Being accurate and not introducing bias is so important

      Before anyone cries that these crimes are under-reported, so are crimes against women.

      This is disappointing – given that you claim that gender or using discriminatory language of any kind is not allowed. It’s also disappointing that the victim-hood of a male rape survivor or domestic abuse victim has to be made less by that push back to comparison with other people. It is a subtle form of abusing the abused by negating or reducing their experience. I’ve seen that thinking encourage those gathering evidence to “under record” and Mis-record valid data. That is why I focus upon Policy and Training – the places where such tendencies can be ironed out.

      I did ask if the “Policy Documents” used improper gendered language? You have not addressed that point or have I misunderstood your response.

    • The fact remains that the playing field is not level. a 5′ 5″, 135 lb woman does not stand much of a chance defending herself against a 6 foot, 200 lb man.

      It is true that there can be physical disparity which can be seen as a factor in domestic abuse.

      You have missed other factors though. Psychology – Social Pressure – there are many cases where belief has overridden evidence, and it’s assumed that the bigger person is the violent and aggressive one. Even when it’s two males this bias plays out and gets manipulated.

      Such Biases have played out repeatedly and become embed in Policy, Practice And Procedure. It has even had to be addressed with Police who had been trained into the view and policy that there has a or even is a Positive Arrest Policy – in a DV situation arrest will take place and one person will be removed to stop the incident. Even when its the bigger person who is injured, bleeding the identified victim if they are male they are removed – told to leave – and if they ask why they are subject to arrest and removal.

      That Positive Arrest Policy which ignored evidence and which uses gender as the arrest criteria is so Bizzarly against Human Rights in Europe – Constitutional Rights In the USA, people simply can’t believe it when it’s raised and so they dismiss it. It’s a double Whammy.

  13. Mr Supertypo says:

    Yes but, male victims are seriously under reported, I know also women are, but uintil now the numbers make men almost unexistant. That means that probably there are men who not only get abused but are also culturally advised the be quiet about that. People should be encouraged to report abuse, not denied, as this article does. The best way to help these people is actually to speak up, to advice the citizens to seek help. But how are they suppose to do that, when the cultural narrative ONLY shows in large numbers that ONLY women and GIRLS get abused? The first step is counter the this dangerous myth is to INCLUDE men not exclude them. The numbers are irrelevant. IMO all anti abuse papers should be gender neutral and encourage both genders to report. Until now, I only see advices for women.
    If you are a man who gets abused, what message do you get? how does that makes you feel? honestly ask yourself just for a moment. Do you feel welcome or excluded? If you feel excluded, where do you go, what can you do?

    Finally the size is not all important. What if she has a weapon? what if they were many? what if the man was sitting on a wheelchair or was under drugs or medication? what if he is a elder? what good is your size if you get hit on the head by a bat? or knifed down? IMO size is secondary.

  14. It would be interesting to go into the family history of Belcher and his GF/wife….I have a feeling that perhaps his parents or family members have histories of DV in their pasts….and that he was recreating the violence he grew up with in his own relationship….

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